Let’s start a gang

This weekend I watched The Warriors. For those of you who don’t know: one, you need to get some culture into your damn lives ASAP. And two, it’s about a young gang trying to make it home to Coney Island through other gangs’ territory while everyone is looking for them because they think they killed a dude who just fucking loves giving speeches. This movie was made during that sweet spot in imaginary gang cinema where society as a whole had realized that gangs often do something to identify themselves (wearing similar colours or badges, having similar haircuts, etc), and decided that in the future all gangs were going to wear hilarious matching Halloween costumes.

I obviously love everything about this movie, but I especially love coming up with backstories for these gangs. How on earth do you get a whole group of violent young men (and women, but the lady gang are pretty normally dressed women whose unifying trait is that they’re lesbiZZZZZZZZZ WAKE ME UP WHEN THEY ARE WEARING SUCTIONS CUPS AND FEATHERS OR SOMETHING) to all agree to wear the same ridiculous outfit every single day for the rest of their lives? How do you find multiple people who care enough about tourism or mimes that they all decide they’d like to wear nothing else ever again for the rest of their statistically short lives?

But that’s not what we’re here for! Forget the movie recs, forget the backstories! I want to talk about your gang. What do you guys care enough about that you’d like to never wear anything else ever again? Are you incredibly passionate about Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Can you not stop thinking about old timey baseball, but wish it were played by Juggalos? What would you wear and what would your weapons be? Who would be your #1 rival gang?

My gang, the Annes, would all have incredibly puffy sleeves and accidental green hair and we’d be packing broken pieces of slate. Our rival gang would wear rain barrels with straps and they’d have like 4 really jacked dudes in monkey suits who would throw them at their enemies.

The streets would never be safe.

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
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27 Responses to Let’s start a gang

  1. flanny says:

    My gang would be called “Girl Thieves.” My old roommate and I are already a part of it. Basically, we dress up like low-class but dignified Victorian ladies and get jobs as maids in fancy houses and then steal their jewels and disappear. And then we meet in an alley and show each other our plunder and then give each other high fives and whisper “Girl Thieves!” Our enemy is Leonardo DiCaprio in Gangs of New York.

    • flanny says:

      FYI, Cameron Diaz is not a member of Girl Thieves, even though she wishes she was. She’s a terrible, unskilled thief who makes us all look bad.

  2. catweazle says:

    My gang is called the Sad Clowns. We are ride-or-die for Helena Bonham Carter and cocaine, and this is our uniform:

    Our rival gang is just a bunch of self-righteous 13-year-olds wearing DARE t-shirts.

  3. Casey says:

    Once I went to a Rocket from the Crypt concert on Halloween and there was an entire gang of Baseball Furies. I was a little intimidated, actually.

    • old man fatima says:

      You shouldn’t have been! The Warriors defeated them pretty easily and even stole their weapons. Actually, they defeated everyone pretty easily except for the cops. Even the lesbians and they had guns! Do you think the police in this movie were actual police, or just another gang with elaborate outfits and vehicles?

      • Casey says:

        That is a great question. Now that you mention it, I kind of think the police irl are just a gang with elaborate outfits and vehicles, so I’m going to say the latter!

  4. collin0truckasaurus says:

    My gang is just my family and we all wear jeans and hoodies and flip flops and don’t really fight other gangs, just go for walks and eat good food and watch good TV shows.

  5. Casey says:

    I think my gang would be the Secret Cat People. You go to work every day, raise a family, and people think, “Hey, there goes a dog person!” But they are *dangerously* wrong.

    • Casey says:

      We would march through the alleys, snapping our fingers and singing complex a capella arrangements of David Bowie songs and sorting people’s recyclables for them.

  6. hotspur says:

    My gang is the Limerick Margarine Boys (we do accept girls). We compose limericks about our victims as we beat them and take their stuff, and we leave them encased like Han Solo but not in carbonite — in margarine. It’s pretty drastic. If you see one of us coming down the sidewalk with our bowler hat cocked sideways and a churn, you better cross the street.

    Our archenemy is the Sonneteers. Those quill-toting jerks are nothing like the sun — except insofar as they are going DOWN.

    • Sota says:

      Did you have anything to do with the Trump butter or are you margarine exclusive?

    • artdorkgirl says:

      Hey! I was watching a doc on the English monarchy this weekend and there was one guy fighting with Edward II and I swear his name was Lord Hotspur. A relation of yours, no doubt.

      • summerestherson says:

        Hotspur is a major character in Henry IV part 1 (and also real life)!!! He was killed by Henry V (according to Shakes.) Harry v Harry! RIP Harry Hotspur!

    • old man fatima says:

      I would like to hear some of your work, please.

      • hotspur says:

        You don’t want that. The only people hear our work, they end up in margarine, see? Move along, old man.

  7. old man fatima says:

    I wish I had the time to photoshop all of these gangs for you guys

  8. FRQ says:

    My gang would be the Apple Dumpling Gang because I love apple-based desserts and have run out of creativity for the day.

  9. summerestherson says:

    I’m late, but I’m jumping in! I love cheese fries, Jane Austen, and Doctor Who enough to probably rep them for the rest of my life, so my gang would be the Cheesy Janeite Time Lords. We’d wear pinstriped empire waist dresses with bowties and our sonic screwdrivers work on all cheese and potato products. Our enemies are people who like to pit Star Wars vs. Star Trek and also people who let their kids scream and run around like furies in public. If I see your kid acting up, I’ma hit them with some cheese sauce and then make a witty quip about it.

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