Five-Day Flanoscopes

Wondering what’s in the stars for you this week? Wonder no more, because here I am with this week’s Flanoscopes.

Aries: March 21-April 19
This week you’re going to rub your face on a small packet of drugs and then run wildly around the room.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
You will sleep away most of the week.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
You will sleep away most of the week.

Cancer: June 21-July 22
A bird will land on a birdfeeder just outside the window, and, consumed with rage, you will jump towards it and bump your head on the glass. But it’s cool. Whatever. No one saw it. Whatever.

Leo: July 23-August 22
On Tuesday your bathroom will not be cleaned to your satisfaction, and so you will poop on the tile floor.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
You will sleep away most of the week.

Libra: September 23-October 22
While snoozing on a blanket, you will get one foot stuck in the fabric, but just act chill. Just don’t look at it and shake it around a little and then, when it gets loose, just walk away like nothing happened. It’s cool. Whatever. No one saw it. It’s cool.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
There’s a very fine line for you between pleasure and pain, and sometimes you lash out at people unexpectedly.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Sometimes you just like to hear the sound of your own voice. Especially at 3am. You love the sound of your own voice at 3am. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Your hygiene habits are meticulous, but they may seem disgusting to other people. Please take care while cleaning your backside this week, because some people don’t want to see that.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
You will sleep away most of the week.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
You will sleep away most of the week.

*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*


About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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10 Responses to Five-Day Flanoscopes

  1. mordonez says:

    While I would prefer to sleep the week away, I suppose I’ll fulfill my destiny:

  2. mordonez says:

    Wait just ONE MINUTE! I see what is going on with these so-called Flannoscopes, or should I say CATOSCOPES! It’s like, pretty cool.

  3. taoreader says:

    Flanny, I’m having the worst week already, and you just made me laugh so hard, especially because snorting drugs and running around the room (preferably nekkid with a lampshade on my head) is exactly what I want to do right now.

    And I read the Leo one for my OCD sister and she LOL’d.

  4. artdorkgirl says:

    No one saw. It’s cool. It’s fine.

Comments are closed.