A chill is in the air. Echoes of old music float through the room. Whoopi Goldberg is in my back pocket, channeling my dead lover. Somewhere, a spider exists. It’s time to hunt some ghosts.
The Tools of the Trade
I downloaded a free app called Ghost Radar Classic which is meant to tell you if there are any ghosts nearby. It looks like any other radar, split into four quadrants with a rotating green beacon that (I assume) will show a blotch if anything spooky shows up. It doesn’t pretend to any sort of science and there is no explanation of how it works. I decided to test it out.
20 minutes later, my battery was drained and nary a ghost had been spotted. I should have taken comfort, but I wanted more. I wanted an app that would tell me about the hundreds (probably) of ghosts that were in the room with me at that very moment, and Ghost Radar Classic just wasn’t cutting it. I deleted it and returned to the app store.
Next, I downloaded an app called Ghost Hunting Tools (perfect name). This is the Cadillac of free ghost hunting apps. It comes with an EVP reader, a microphone modulator to pick up any words uttered in the nether realms, and a signal pitch reader. I turned it on and sat back to bask in the paranormal.
Readings were pretty low and I was starting to lose faith, when Mr Fatima came into the room and the EVP reader started going crazy! Was I dating a ghost?! Or were the ghosts simply intimidated by his presence? I asked him to leave the room, and the readings quieted down. He came back in and they spiked. The ghosts were definitely reacting to him, but what did it mean? A word appeared on the microphone modulator: LEAVE.
Were the ghosts upset about a young couple living together out of wedlock? Did they object to Mr Fatima in particular? Were they worried we wouldn’t make it to brunch on time if we kept farting around with ghost hunting apps? (We had more than an hour to get there, Ghosts! People travel by car these days and there is a bridge across the basin now, but we appreciate your concern!)
Mr Fatima sat down and started playing his banjo. A new word appeared on the reader: BAD. It seemed we were being haunted by some pretty fucking rude ghosts.
But BAD was followed by WEATHER, and then DRESS. The sweet old ghosts in my house just wanted to make sure we were dressed for the rain! What a bunch of see-through cuties! They were very invested in getting us to brunch on time and warm as a pair of toasts, which makes sense because I imagine they are seriously regretting all the brunches they missed out on while alive and all the times they were a bit chillier than they needed to be. “Life is too short to miss out on chicken and waffles,” said some of the ghosts. “Don’t make the same mistakes as I did in life: be sure to wear a light jacket,” said others.
I was sold. This was the app to use! I’m also going to bring Chompsky with me, because she is terrified of everything so I figure she will be a really good early detection method for any paranormal happenings. She will be my canary. The final piece of my InSpecter kit will be a notepad and pencil. Inspired by our girl Kelly, I’m going to see if the ghosts who are a bit vocally shy might be willing to write out any messages for us.
My first stop will be Canada’s oldest graveyard. I don’t think you’re allowed in after dark, so I will be investigating at the prime ghosting hour of high noon, probably. Let me know in the comments if you have any questions or messages for our departed friends.