Month of Scares: The InSpecter Files

A chill is in the air. Echoes of old music float through the room. Whoopi Goldberg is in my back pocket, channeling my dead lover. Somewhere, a spider exists. It’s time to hunt some ghosts.

The Tools of the Trade

I downloaded a free app called Ghost Radar Classic which is meant to tell you if there are any ghosts nearby. It looks like any other radar, split into four quadrants with a rotating green beacon that (I assume) will show a blotch if anything spooky shows up. It doesn’t pretend to any sort of science and there is no explanation of how it works. I decided to test it out.

20 minutes later, my battery was drained and nary a ghost had been spotted. I should have taken comfort, but I wanted more. I wanted an app that would tell me about the hundreds (probably) of ghosts that were in the room with me at that very moment, and Ghost Radar Classic just wasn’t cutting it. I deleted it and returned to the app store.

Next, I downloaded an app called Ghost Hunting Tools (perfect name). This is the Cadillac of free ghost hunting apps. It comes with an EVP reader, a microphone modulator to pick up any words uttered in the nether realms, and a signal pitch reader. I turned it on and sat back to bask in the paranormal.

Readings were pretty low and I was starting to lose faith, when Mr Fatima came into the room and the EVP reader started going crazy! Was I dating a ghost?! Or were the ghosts simply intimidated by his presence? I asked him to leave the room, and the readings quieted down. He came back in and they spiked. The ghosts were definitely reacting to him, but what did it mean? A word appeared on the microphone modulator: LEAVE.

Were the ghosts upset about a young couple living together out of wedlock? Did they object to Mr Fatima in particular? Were they worried we wouldn’t make it to brunch on time if we kept farting around with ghost hunting apps? (We had more than an hour to get there, Ghosts! People travel by car these days and there is a bridge across the basin now, but we appreciate your concern!)

Mr Fatima sat down and started playing his banjo. A new word appeared on the reader: BAD. It seemed we were being haunted by some pretty fucking rude ghosts.

But BAD was followed by WEATHER, and then DRESS. The sweet old ghosts in my house just wanted to make sure we were dressed for the rain! What a bunch of see-through cuties! They were very invested in getting us to brunch on time and warm as a pair of toasts, which makes sense because I imagine they are seriously regretting all the brunches they missed out on while alive and all the times they were a bit chillier than they needed to be. “Life is too short to miss out on chicken and waffles,” said some of the ghosts. “Don’t make the same mistakes as I did in life: be sure to wear a light jacket,” said others.

I was sold. This was the app to use! I’m also going to bring Chompsky with me, because she is terrified of everything so I figure she will be a really good early detection method for any paranormal happenings. She will be my canary. The final piece of my InSpecter kit will be a notepad and pencil. Inspired by our girl Kelly, I’m going to see if the ghosts who are a bit vocally shy might be willing to write out any messages for us.

My first stop will be Canada’s oldest graveyard. I don’t think you’re allowed in after dark, so I will be investigating at the prime ghosting hour of high noon, probably. Let me know in the comments if you have any questions or messages for our departed friends.

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
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18 Responses to Month of Scares: The InSpecter Files

  1. artdorkgirl says:

    I had to stop reading for a few minutes so I could watch the gif of that little kid get whacked in the head by the open door. It made me laugh probably more than was necessary.

    Ghost question: What do you do for fun in your spare time? Do you have hobbies?

    • old man fatima says:

      Ooh, very good questions. I wonder if it’s possible for ghosts to go online? If I had all of eternity, I feel like I could wade through a good chunk of Wikipedia. Also: Can you leave the graveyard to go to the library?

    • Simon Spiderfleek says:

      Looks like that little kid downvoted you. Toughen up, kid.

  2. flanny says:

    Ghost questions: Who is your favorite person that you’ve met since you died? How do you feel about Zayn leaving 1D and their upcoming hiatus?

    • old man fatima says:

      I won’t even bother explaining that last one for them, because ghosts for sure follow pop culture blogs. What else would they even do with their time?? I bet the Titanic ghosts have a lot of opinions about the Pussy Posse.

  3. FRQ says:

    I approve of app-based ghost hunting. I can search for spirits while doing my online banking.

  4. collin0truckasaurus says:

    ““Life is too short to miss out on chicken and waffles,” said some of the ghosts. “Don’t make the same mistakes as I did in life: be sure to wear a light jacket,” said others.”

    Ghosts just know so much!

  5. Kate says:

    I’ll have to tell Kelly about this cool app. She’s not having much luck with her borrowed equipment.

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