Hark, a spirit calls! Who knows what ghastly grotesques lurk in the halls of the dead? A chain rattles. A naked branch taps its skeletal finger against your window. A black cat crosses a witch’s path underneath a ladder. The wind changes direction while you’re making fun of your little brother and your face gets stuck like that forever. A portal has been opened that cannot be closed again… Let’s talk to some ghosts.
First of all, I have to apologize. This month has been crazy busy and I haven’t had a chance to visit any Titanic artifacts or spoopy old graveyards. I was going to go to Lucy Maud Montgomery’s grave while I was in PEI on the weekend and ask her about the internet, but it’s an hour from where we were staying and the weather was rotten.
I decided that my best bet at this stage was to just have an in-depth interview with the hundreds (probably) of ghosts that haunt my house. Why travel to the grocery store when you have eggs at home?
I needed to set the scene. I donned a flowing black robe (fluffy terrycloth housecoat), lit some candles (pumpkin pie scented tea lights), poured a cup of tea (why not?), and sat at the table with my Ghost Hunting Tools app.
The cat crept silently past me. Did he know something spooky was about to take place? Or was he just trying to get to the cupboard that houses the butter, which I had left open? We may never know. (It was the butter.)
I closed the cupboard and sat down with my phone. “Hello?” I asked. “Hello, ghosts?” The app began to beep. That was a good sign.
I thought for a minute. I wanted my first question to be a really good one. I needed to grab these ghosts’ attention from the get-go, lest they have better things to do. Probably a lot of people are trying to interview ghosts about pop culture these days, and I wanted to make sure that I had a story for you guys.
“That was pretty crazy about Zayn Malik, right? The scandal that happened?”
I don’t actually know what I was talking about. Was there a scandal, other than him leaving? Which one of them is having a baby? Is it the one with the hair? Anyway, the ghosts knew. The app started going crazy as soon as I asked. The EVP readings maxed out. These ghosts had a lot of opinions on Zayn Malik’s scandal! The little ellipses appeared on the screen, letting me know that I was about to receive a word.
“Does Zayn have a drinking problem?” I asked the ghosts. “Does he collect those little bottles with coloured sand from, like, Costa Rica or Florida, maybe?”
The beeping slowed, but I was still getting quite a bit of activity. It was like the ghosts were discussing among themselves. “Psst psst psst Zayn Malik,” they were saying. “Psst psst psst bottles.” I assume they all nodded knowingly at one another, and a few of them shook their heads in a disapproving way, and a few more gave see-through thumbs up.
A new word appeared on my screen: MAD
“Are you mad at him for collecting those bottles? I know that sometimes the tourism industry in underdeveloped countries can be exploitative and harmful even though it is often one of the primary sources of income, but surely you can’t blame Zayn Malik for that? It’s a problematic situation for everyone, but he has a team of PR people and I’m sure they researched it for him before anyone let him spend that 85 cents or whatever.”
The beeping slowed. I could see that I was losing them. Ghosts don’t care about your excuses, Zayn. I needed something divisive to bring these boils and ghouls back into the fold. I had questions and I wanted spectral answers!
“Are you see-through to yourselves too, or only to other people?”
The beeping stopped. I had offended them. It was the “you can’t just ask people why they’re white” of the spirit world.
I think that if we really want to get into the meaty stuff (do ghosts have hobbies, can you go on the internet, do you ever get to leave your house, etc), I need to find a different batch of ghosts.
Up next: I’ll ask Titanic ghosts how they feel about the Pussy Posse.