Month of Scares: The InSpecter Files pt 2

Hark, a spirit calls! Who knows what ghastly grotesques lurk in the halls of the dead? A chain rattles. A naked branch taps its skeletal finger against your window. A black cat crosses a witch’s path underneath a ladder. The wind changes direction while you’re making fun of your little brother and your face gets stuck like that forever. A portal has been opened that cannot be closed again… Let’s talk to some ghosts.

First of all, I have to apologize. This month has been crazy  busy and I haven’t had a chance to visit any Titanic artifacts or spoopy old graveyards. I was going to go to Lucy Maud Montgomery’s grave while I was in PEI on the weekend and ask her about the internet, but it’s an hour from where we were staying and the weather was rotten.

I decided that my best bet at this stage was to just have an in-depth interview with the hundreds (probably) of ghosts that haunt my house. Why travel to the grocery store when you have eggs at home?

I needed to set the scene. I donned a flowing black robe (fluffy terrycloth housecoat), lit some candles (pumpkin pie scented tea lights), poured a cup of tea (why not?), and sat at the table with my Ghost Hunting Tools app.

The cat crept silently past me. Did he know something spooky was about to take place? Or was he just trying to get to the cupboard that houses the butter, which I had left open? We may never know. (It was the butter.)

I closed the cupboard and sat down with my phone. “Hello?” I asked. “Hello, ghosts?” The app began to beep. That was a good sign.

I thought for a minute. I wanted my first question to be a really good one. I needed to grab these ghosts’ attention from the get-go, lest they have better things to do. Probably a lot of people are trying to interview ghosts about pop culture these days, and I wanted to make sure that I had a story for you guys.

“That was pretty crazy about Zayn Malik, right? The scandal that happened?”

I don’t actually know what I was talking about. Was there a scandal, other than him leaving? Which one of them is having a baby? Is it the one with the hair? Anyway, the ghosts knew. The app started going crazy as soon as I asked. The EVP readings maxed out. These ghosts had a lot of opinions on Zayn Malik’s scandal! The little ellipses appeared on the screen, letting me know that I was about to receive a word.


“Does Zayn have a drinking problem?” I asked the ghosts. “Does he collect those little bottles with coloured sand from, like, Costa Rica or Florida, maybe?”

The beeping slowed, but I was still getting quite a bit of activity. It was like the ghosts were discussing among themselves. “Psst psst psst Zayn Malik,” they were saying. “Psst psst psst bottles.” I assume they all nodded knowingly at one another, and a few of them shook their heads in a disapproving way, and a few more gave see-through thumbs up.

A new word appeared on my screen: MAD

“Are you mad at him for collecting those bottles? I know that sometimes the tourism industry in underdeveloped countries can be exploitative and harmful even though it is often one of the primary sources of income, but surely you can’t blame Zayn Malik for that? It’s a problematic situation for everyone, but he has a team of PR people and I’m sure they researched it for him before anyone let him spend that 85 cents or whatever.”

The beeping slowed. I could see that I was losing them. Ghosts don’t care about your excuses, Zayn. I needed something divisive to bring these boils and ghouls back into the fold. I had questions and I wanted spectral answers!

“Are you see-through to yourselves too, or only to other people?”

The beeping stopped. I had offended them. It was the “you can’t just ask people why they’re white” of the spirit world.

I think that if we really want to get into the meaty stuff (do ghosts have hobbies, can you go on the internet, do you ever get to leave your house, etc), I need to find a different batch of ghosts.

Up next: I’ll ask Titanic ghosts how they feel about the Pussy Posse.

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
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11 Responses to Month of Scares: The InSpecter Files pt 2

  1. collin0truckasaurus says:

    ” It was the “you can’t just ask people why they’re white” of the spirit world.”
    This made me IRL LOL.

  2. flanny says:

    Zayn is an introvert and the ghosts probably mean that he’s bottling up his emotions until suddenly they burst out and he makes poor decisions and alienates people.

    And Louis is having the baby. He’s the one who looks like Milla Jovovovovovovich.

    Best post about a ghost ever. A+++++ would read again while eating my lunch!

    • old man fatima says:

      I didn’t expect much when I googled “zayn malik ghost gif,” but this is pretty relevant:

    • Simon Spidermonk says:

      Hey, he sounds just like me! Now I have a favourite One Directionist. Unidirectionite. Solovectorian. You know what I mean.

      • hotspur says:

        Solo Vector needs to happen.

      • flanny says:

        Ugg, I hate to be the one to tell you this but Zayn is the Directioniod who left One Direction, so he can’t be your favorite. This is just like in 1997 when i fell in love with Jude Law and was like, ‘I’m going to make him marry me!’ And then I went on Yahoo! and found out he was already married with a kid. 😦

        • Simon Spidermonk says:

          I actually knew that, but I figured that since the group is breaking up anyway, from the perspective of eternity – which is where I live, enlightened Spidermonk that I am – they’re all former Solovectoroids. Not trying to rub salt in your wound, just saying that I did take that into account and I believe my reasoning is sound.

        • flanny says:

          IT’S JUST A HIATUS!!!!!!!!!!!!$!!#!!#!!!$$$!!!

  3. hotspur says:

    Being a Titanic ghost must be really unsatisfying. Where do you haunt, exactly? The bottom of the ocean? The memorial? The Olympia (sister ship to the Titanic)? The house you lived in before the vacation? Or just any old iceberg? You might always feel unsure but then have very strong feelings too. I bet there’s a lot of debate in the spirit world about it. It might be one of the main issues in their presidential elections.

    • old man fatima says:

      It would suck if you were one of those unhappy socialites and you ended up stuck haunting the bottom of the ocean with a thousand other socialites always judging you. The only thing worse than waiting for the sweet escape of death in order to finally take your bra off and shave your head would be dying and then finding out that you still need to wear a corset and sleep with a head full of rag curlers.

      (Obviously there are a lot of things that would be worse, like being stuck in steerage forever or haunting an abandoned accounting agency.)

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