Flanospooks for the Week

In today’s ‘scopes, the stars provide you with the name of the vampire who turns you. (Turns you into a vampire. “Turns you” is vampire jargon for being turned into a vampire. Or so I hear. I’m not a vampire because I keep away from the following people.)

Aries: March 21-April 19
The Duke of Marlborough

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Alan Cumming

Gemini: May 21-June 20
Vlad the Impaler himself! Lucky!

Cancer: June 21-July 22
Viscount Adleberry

Leo: July 23-August 22
Dick Clark

Virgo: August 23-September 22
Dark Master Kuervorst

Libra: September 23-October 22
Rasputin? Was he a vampire? Something was up with him, anyway.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Larenz Tate

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Kirsten Dunst’s character from the Anne Rice books. Yeah, those are factual and she is a real being.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Captain Monkeypaw

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Pope Sixtus II

Pisces: February 19-March 20
Octavian Bellu

*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*

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About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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15 Responses to Flanospooks for the Week

  1. artdorkgirl says:

    I’m not going to lie…Rasputin freaks me out. I was reading a book about the last Tsar and there was this photo of him that I had to cover up while I was reading because I’m sure that he was trying to influence me from beyond! Here’s the pic, so it can freak you out too:

  2. catweazle says:

    Buffy definitely floated a theory about Rasputin being a vampire one of the few times she attended class at UC Sunnydale.

  3. Does getting turned by Captain Monkeypaw mean I actually get rabies instead of being a vampire? Cause it sounds like I’d get rabies.

  4. hotspur says:

    I get Kirsten Dunst! Woohoo! I hope she upside-down turns me in the rain like in Spider-Man. I want it to be as sexy as possible.

  5. Simon Spidermonk says:

    Vlad the Impaler… hmm. That reminds me of this one time my mom and my sister were talking about this guy named Vladimir who was – according to them – not a very good person, who had knocked up a friend of the family, and I was only half-listening so when I heard the name Vladimir, I intoned, “Vlad the Impaler!” in a fake scary voice, which prompted my mom to make the only sex joke I think I’ve ever heard her make. It was awkward, and I still regret the part I played in making it happen. So what I’m saying is, I don’t want to get turned by Vlad the Impaler and would like to call into question the accuracy of these Flanospooks.

    • flanny says:

      I think that these ‘scopes are still accurate but I regret ever reading this comment and the part I played in your writing it. (It reminds me of the time, during the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, when my mom implied that she would sleep with Bill Clinton because she was attracted to his power.)

  6. summerestherson says:

    I had to Google Octavian Bellu and I am SO GLAD I DID. Once he turns me he’s sure to train me to be the best gymnast there’s ever been! Vampires are notoriously limber and fast if I’m remembering my Twilight correctly.

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