Unnecessary Movie Assignment #18

That last review took forever.  June till January?  Some procrastination may have occurred.  Shameful!  If I had committed to writing just two words a day, I would have finished it one week sooner.

2016 is a new, faster leaf that I plan to turn over, and I will eat that leaf quickly, like it is a salad.  A victory salad of achievement!  You will see!  I guarantee it, almost.  And how do I guarantee it?  Well, we’re going to assign one more movie the old-fashioned way… and then we’re going to launch a new, potentially excellent, speed-o-matic system that I can currently reveal to the public only under its code name: Operation Mistake Binge.

We will get into the details of Operation Mistake Binge after the next review.  (NOTE: If you want to vlog about it in the meantime to build excitement among Millennials, I’m okay with you using the abbreviation “OMB.”)  But let’s pick today’s movie as we have picked them since Biblical times — with a game in the comments!

Real estate figured prominently in our last movie, and also will figure prominently in the real life of whichever monster wins Powerball this week (currently up to $10 jigillion).  Thus today’s game is The Mansion Game.

Tell us about your dream house.  The one you would buy or build if money were no object.  Obviously you’re a great human being, so first you would make sure to buy tiny houses for all the homeless, and cure cancer and the environment, but then, let’s say you still have most of your money left.  What kind of house do you want?  Do you want a giant clock window so you always wake up early and annoyed?  Is every staircase spiral?  Does it have a moat — and if so, is the moat wisely electrified to prevent ants?  Is there an edible escape pod for some reason?  A room only for dolls?  TELL US ABOUT YOUR BEST HOUSE.

The winner will be whoever’s dreamhouse most appeals to either current me or 12-year-old me (depending on what mood I am in when this gets posted).  Be sure and pick a number between 1 and 166, dreamers.


About hotspur

hotspur is the videogum name of Luke Rooney, who usually makes the Kessel Run in 17 or 18 parsecs because, like, what is the rush? We will get to Kessel when we get to Kessel, just sit down and enjoy the run for chrissakes.
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35 Responses to Unnecessary Movie Assignment #18

  1. FRQ says:

    In terms of an actual home, my requirements are quite simple. As my parents would gladly tell you, I don’t know shit about what makes the interior of a house desireable. So long as it has multiple bathrooms and isn’t gaudy looking, I am generally fine with whatever. I guess I’d put in a proverbial “man cave” in one of the rooms, but other than that, I’d let me mom go to town on the interior.

    For me, it’s all about location. I would like to be near either a mountain (because I like to ski and love snowy winter settings) or a beach (because duh). I would also like to be close to a major metropolitan area, as I am a city guy and like my big city amenities.

    The chances of me winning this contest are probably akin to those of winning the Powerball, but what can I say? I feelz how I feelz. #27

  2. flanny says:

    Ooh, what a good challenge! Our own Theresa Couchman might recognize my pick, since it’s from the Genesee Country Museum. Whenever I have to picture a large-but-not-unreasonable-old-timey-possibly-haunted-house, this is the house I picture, ever since I first visited it in middle school. Although honestly, I usually picture the outside as being made of brick.

    Oh, the number of dumb dumb stories I’ve written to take place in this house. It’s an unfathomable number.

    I pick #9 again, even though I picked it before. I assume there’s a new #9.

    • Sergeant Tibbs says:

      Oh, I recognize it too (I’m from Rochester!) and I think it has a cake room, which is the best room! But I really like the Octogon house…so many walls.

      • hotspur says:

        A cake room, you say? I love this idea. Although, if I lived there, I would use it as a pie room.

      • flanny says:

        Oh my gosh, I don’t remember the cake room! My aunt lives in Fairport so we went here a couple of times on vacation when we were younger. Even then I preferred this house to the more unique Octagon house because I am impossible. I think I was like, “These oddly-shaped rooms would be too hard to arrange furniture in.” I DO have a picture of the upper left room in this house, and there’s a creepy doll sitting in a bassinet in it.

      • Sergeant Tibbs says:

        To be completely honest, it might have just been a room with many cakes in it….it could have been the dining room, but why all the cakes?? I change my answer, I wish I lived at the Genesee Country Museum and just chose a new room and house as I pleased.

      • Wait, you’re from Rochester? Are you still in the area?

        • Sergeant Tibbs says:

          I’m at school in Iowa now, but home on breaks. If you ever do a monster meet up during a holiday or summer, count me in!

    • ❤ this house so much.

  3. nastyemu says:

    I would stay exactly where I am, but buy up all the places on my block and kick out everyone that annoys me and close the street to non-residents.

  4. catweazle says:

    My dream home is a castle built on the side of a mountain that is staffed by robot servants. The robots of course have programmable personalities so if I want somebody snarky and misanthropic serving me breakfast on Tuesday but want a kindly old lady to make me pancakes on Wednesday it’s totally doable. At least one full room of the castle will be an adult moonbounce. Another room will look like an elderly British professor’s study. It will have one of those desks with the rollback hoods (you know what I mean, I think?). And a globe that opens to reveal a selection of high-end spirits. There will be a giant library just like the one from Beauty and the Beast, with plenty of those slidey ladders. There will be a music wing which includes every musical instrument I could ever feel the desire to play as well as a state of the art recording studio. The robots will jam with me sometimes. One room will be a mini planetarium complete with a hokey laser light show. There will be a bowling alley and I will use bumpers just because I can. Two different game rooms: one for video games and one for board games. A movie screening room complete with a curtain that comes up at the beginning of each movie. A sauna. The robots can give great massages, of course. Every staircase will have a button that if pressed turns it into a slide. There will be an indoor fountain except instead of water coming out, wine comes out.

    And most importantly there would be a teleportation device that could send me to whatever place I want to visit and also could transport my friends and family over so it’s not just me and the robots all the time.


  5. artdorkgirl says:

    An apartment in Paris. Minimalist, but not fussy and full of art and books. Just like this:

    Oh, and obviously I’d be living on bread, cheese, and wine. It would be lovely.


  6. collin0truckasaurus says:

    My dream house would be exactly my current house but on top of a basement that is totally awesome and maybe has a couple extra rooms for weird stuff that might come up. It would also have Mariah Carey’s closet where my closet currently is. Location would be on a big plot of land with some awesome stuff – like 10-15 acres maybe more! But it’s still close to the city so I can get to all my stuff and I still get Google Fiber when they bring it in. Also there’s never any traffic when I go to work so maybe my own helicopter (pilot included until I learn).

  7. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    I don’t really have a specific dream home, but would love to have a townhouse where we are now, and a condo in either Miami, Austin, or LA – basically somewhere warm so we can escape Chicagoland during the winter months. Multiple bathrooms, attached garage, fireplace in the winter home. I like townhouse/condo living since you don’t have to do yard work. If budget allowed, a single family home might be nice.

  8. mordonez says:

    Catweazle has stolen parts of my thunder with the recording studio–I mean, this is NOT to my taste, and I want to move it about 15 miles south, but it’s on the lake and it has an 8000 sq. foot recording studio!

    I’m not entirely sure that there’s anything that can be done to fix the decor–I really am not looking for a fake-genteel country manor, just a nice stretch of lakefront with something more arts and craftsy on it, but still with an 8000 foot (ish) recording studio/performance space in it’s own wing, a giant kitchen with fancy appliances not excluding a Wok Burner to get my stir fry on, and a large library with a hidden bookcase door leading to…I don’t know, something good. I’m bad at this. I’ll also need a pied-a-terre in the city in case I want to crash for the night. Mrsdonez’s idea is that this should be a condo overlooking Lincoln Park Zoo.

    Oh and there’s an edible escape pod for some reason. And like, a tennis court–a really nice one.

    My number is 123

  9. Sergeant Tibbs says:

    My dream house is an old house with multiple secret passageways (at least one that I find 20-years in), and things hidden in the wall. Hopefully not dead bodies, but like trinkets from the previous wealthy magnate-owner that serve as clues in a long-running mystery. I’d also like a large window that looks out onto a forest or farmland or something beautiful in all seasons. The house will also have magical qualities that let me see a winter view, but I don’t ever have to go out in the ice and wind. Finally, I want a fireplace, a screened porch, and one of those Swedish-style laundry drying rooms. #48

    • mordonez says:

      Swedish style laundry drying rooms?

      • Sergeant Tibbs says:

        YES it’s like a room with a super dehumidifier and a slightly higher temperature so you can hang your clothes to dry and be energy-efficient. I don’t know what it says about me that a laundry room has become an essential part of my dream home and not, like, someone to do all of my chores.

  10. old man fatima says:

    I have always wanted to live in a converted church, so much so that I was thisclose to buying one when I first moved here! It was right across the road from the ocean and had half an acre and a bell tower and all the pews and altar and everything were included and it was 200 years old! But it didn’t have plumbing or well or septic and it was in the boonies, so by the time I got quotes for putting those in and realized I could still totally afford to do it, it had been sold, probably to someone who WASN’T planning on turning the bell tower into a library 😦 It had a gigantic stained glass window with I think he Virgin Mary on it (I have never been to church), and I would have made that my bathroom so I could take long baths and be all dappledwith colours from the evening sun. Here is a picture I found of a bathroom in a converted church that I swear I didn’t know about when I made that plan:


    • catweazle says:

      I had some friends who lived in a converted church but all the pews and altar were taken out so there was just an enormous “living room” and obviously they had parties pretty much constantly. The drunkest I’ve ever been was at a Halloween party there.

      • old man fatima says:

        I went to see an apartment in a converted church on the weekend. It’s being renovated and going to be available in the summer, which is when we’ll be ready to move. It’s on two levels and it has two 20 foot cathedral windows, the vaulted top halves of which are in the bedrooms so each room has one wall that’s just a giant vaulted window surrounded by exposed brick, and there is a washer and dryer and dishwasher in the unit. And it’s dog-friendly! We’re in love. But it’s like 300/month over our budget… so either I need to get to writing those erotic novellas or we’re going to have to give up on the dream! It looks like something from a magazine, we would be so gd fancy. It would be fancier than living in a NY clock! We’d have zero disposable income, but we wouldn’t ever want to leave the apartment so why would we need any???

      • old man fatima says:

        I tried to find similar photos, but nothing was doing it justice, so I drew this beautiful image for you to see what I mean about the bedrooms:

  11. flanny says:

    I can’t believe none of us mentioned having a handsome/foxy ghost roommate. That’s the real dream.

  12. Casey says:

    My dream house is on the edge of a sort of wooded cliff overlooking the ocean and has a really nice lawn growing on the roof.


  13. I’d only want a house if someone else took care of the maintenance/lawn mowing and whatnot, so the real dream might be a super nice condo in a building where I can’t ever hear my neighbors, and there’s some nice public space outside–a sort of college campus situation, but for rich people. I’d like it to be medium-sized and on the second floor, with rooms that are big enough but still cozy, and full of really comfortable furniture. I definitely need an office/library, and a really nice bathroom. And the whole thing would clean itself, or be cleaned by my dutiful robot butler.


  14. hotspur says:

    Hard decision! At first I thought flanny had just pulled back-to-back championships, because the photo of her house is exactly the house I want. However, it later developed that she didn’t even know it had a cake room. I can’t reward such slipshod fantasizing.

    Then it seemed catweazle had a lock. A high-personality robot staff! Slidestairs! And I actually have a rolltop desk! But also, a teleporting device? Correct me if I’m wrong: that is not yet a perfected technology. There is going to be endless construction while they install that, test it on, say, pineapples, find that pineapples rematerialize all wrong, rip out that teleporter, install a better one, test it on pineapples, those look good so the workers try it on a monkey… oops. Rip out THAT teleporter, install 3.0 — so on. I can’t live like this.

    Mordonez linked us to soft rock’s most luxurious McMansion, but there was no boathouse. Artdork’s flat included a view so beautiful it made me sad I don’t get to live forever — but this is more of my Parisian pied a terre.

    The bathtubbed church of fatima is very close to winning. I’ve actually looked at churches too! There is so much you can do with one, and usually they have enough parking. But I feel like a church is very likely to be haunted. This could be good if it’s the ghost of a kindly old vicar or a saucy nun who encourages me to solve murders. But NOT cool if it is a malevolent spirit whose whole deal is “I tried to haunt this place for YEARS and couldn’t get in because it was too holy, but now that this jerk [hotspur] lives here, I can do what I want! Think I’ll make the walls bleed, for starters! Hmm, then what… gotta be big, whatever it is.” So maybe not, fatima.

    Therefore the winner is — Sergeant Tibbs! Secret passages are REQUIRED and it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t find them all in the first six weeks! But now here I am, spending the next 20 years piecing together the mystery of the previous occupant. I can’t tell you how much this appeals to me. I am so rich in this fantasy, I will need a purpose in life, and I don’t own an iPad so this is it! THIS IS IT. And then, late one night, when I feel satisfied and quiet, and my grandkids are visiting, I’m telling them how I have finally solved the riddle… when one grandkid leans on the iron cat statue, and the other one tilts back on her chair… and the bookcase slides aside. A bookcase I never knew moved at all… and the riddle is once again afoot.

    Also v. considerate of Tibbs to include a nice laundry room for my staff. I’ll never see it, but I’ll ask them if it’s nice. So, I will watch movie #48, what luck another horror movie: The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Fatima, we didn’t move into your house, but it’s as if we did!

    • old man fatima says:

      My friend dated a guy briefly who we called Emily Rose because the first night she stayed over, he woke her up in the middle of the night very very serious to say “I just want you to know that I haven’t been able to sleep since I saw Emily Rose, and that’s why I’m addicted to cocaine.” Which is obviously when they broke up. It’s basically a court room drama, though??? It would be like saying “I haven’t been able to sleep since I saw the Halloween episode of Matlock.”

    • Sergeant Tibbs says:

      So sorry flanny about the cake room and very sorry to everyone else for the exorcism of emily rose.

  15. Martinmegs says:

    I don’t know my WordPress login so please consider this comment a manual post like.

    • hotspur says:

      Are you posting from 30,000 leagues over the sea??? On your way to the land of Koalas and That’s Not A Knife, That’s A Knife??

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