Thank the Lord, this weekend is our annual observation of that most holy of days, St. Valentine’s Day. It’s the only holiday where every true celebration results in a good boning.
Sadly, there are some sad sacks in the world for whom it is impossible at this late date to truly celebrate Valentine’s Day. These people are called “single people” or “prudes” or maybe even “having an argument with the person you thought you loved, but but now you are questioning everything.” A good old-fashioned VD roll in the hay may not be in the cards (or stars?? aww, our old friends) for you this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spend the day in a very meaningful way. Here are some suggestions. Some of them are dark!
- Quickly become a rocket scientist and invent time travel so you can easily just skip over Sunday. And then when people ask you on Monday all wink-wink-nudge-nudge what you did, you can say, “Oh Valentine’s Day? It didn’t even exist for me.” Also, this way you’ll kind of live a day longer than you were supposed to! I hope you use that extra day to find love, you pathetic thing.
- Visit your father’s grave to remind yourself that even if you do find your soulmate, it’s possible that he could die decades before you do. So if you’re just going to end up dying alone, why even bother trying to find love? You live alone you die alone pfft.
- Put on elastic band sweatpants and watch This Is Us (the One Direction movie) while drinking an entire bottle of red wine and crying by yourself. Talk about love the boys just love each other so much they’re like fucking brothers to each other oh Zayn why did you ever leave?!?!??!
- Hug a panda.
- Work from home, so when you get in to the office on Monday morning, your boss will be so impressed and you’ll get a promotion. In a few short months, you’ll be Director of Everything and working so hard and such long hours, you won’t notice the emptiness inside your heart. It’s called “being married to your job” and it’s always worked out really well in romcoms.
- Obviously, eating some chocolate is the number one thing you can do as a single person/feuding spouse/loser to celebrate February 14th. It shouldn’t even need to be listed, but maybe some of you have given up chocolate for Lent or because you’re an unlovable fatty. In that case, eat some celery and go for a run. Endorphins released during exercise are scientifically proven to make you feel better! Added benefit to February running: it’s so cold that no one else will be out and see that you have tears frozen to your face.
If none of those things sound like fun to you (or if your father is still alive), don’t despair! You can still have a love-filled VD! Because you’re not loveless on Valentine’s Day, because I love you. I value you as an amazing, unique human being and I think your hair looks great. I love all of you so so much, each and every one of you, but I especially love Louis Tomlinson from One Direction.