The Most Blessed Of All Holidays Is This Weekend


Thank the Lord, this weekend is our annual observation of that most holy of days, St. Valentine’s Day. It’s the only holiday where every true celebration results in a good boning.
Sadly, there are some sad sacks in the world for whom it is impossible at this late date to truly celebrate Valentine’s Day. These people are called “single people” or “prudes” or maybe even “having an argument with the person you thought you loved, but but now you are questioning everything.” A good old-fashioned VD roll in the hay may not be in the cards (or stars?? aww, our old friends) for you this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spend the day in a very meaningful way. Here are some suggestions.  Some of them are dark!

  • Quickly become a rocket scientist and invent time travel so you can easily just skip over Sunday.  And then when people ask you on Monday all wink-wink-nudge-nudge what you did, you can say, “Oh Valentine’s Day?  It didn’t even exist for me.”  Also, this way you’ll kind of live a day longer than you were supposed to!  I hope you use that extra day to find love, you pathetic thing.
  • Visit your father’s grave to remind yourself that even if you do find your soulmate, it’s possible that he could die decades before you do.  So if you’re just going to end up dying alone, why even bother trying to find love?  You live alone you die alone pfft.
  • Put on elastic band sweatpants and watch This Is Us (the One Direction movie) while drinking an entire bottle of red wine and crying by yourself.  Talk about love the boys just love each other so much they’re like fucking brothers to each other oh Zayn why did you ever leave?!?!??!
  • Hug a panda.
  • Work from home, so when you get in to the office on Monday morning, your boss will be so impressed and you’ll get a promotion.  In a few short months, you’ll be Director of Everything and working so hard and such long hours, you won’t notice the emptiness inside your heart.  It’s called “being married to your job” and it’s always worked out really well in romcoms.
  • Obviously, eating some chocolate is the number one thing you can do as a single person/feuding spouse/loser to celebrate February 14th.  It shouldn’t even need to be listed, but maybe some of you have given up chocolate for Lent or because you’re an unlovable fatty.  In that case, eat some celery and go for a run.  Endorphins released during exercise are scientifically proven to make you feel better! Added benefit to February running: it’s so cold that no one else will be out and see that you have tears frozen to your face.

If none of those things sound like fun to you (or if your father is still alive), don’t despair! You can still have a love-filled VD!  Because you’re not loveless on Valentine’s Day, because I love you.  I value you as an amazing, unique human being and I think your hair looks great.  I love all of you so so much, each and every one of you, but I especially love Louis Tomlinson from One Direction.

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About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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67 Responses to The Most Blessed Of All Holidays Is This Weekend

  1. flanny says:

    I want to let you guys know that I am only 75% as bitter and joyless as this makes me sound. Happy Valentine’s.

  2. catweazle says:

    Valentine’s Day generally doesn’t bum me out because I enjoy being single, but this year I am a little bitter on account of Dumbshit McWantsABlowjob. I shall console myself with GIFs of various hotties who would NEVER send me such an appalling text.

  3. collin0truckasaurus says:

    Watch out for that love-filled VD!

  4. As someone who has never been in a relationship on VD and just got dumped a month ago, I am the most bitter this year. So I’m hermitting myself away this weekend so as not to unleash my bitterness on the world.

    I will also be working from home. I wish I hugging a panda instead.

    Now, to stare at gifs of hotties.

  5. collin0truckasaurus says:

    Valentine’s Day is my birthday so if you’d rather celebrate that, you can. No date required. I like gifs of 30 Rock, puppies & kitties, and mechanical stuff happening perfectly ala How It’s Made.

  6. Since I’m currently on an Outlander binge, Jamie is going to be my Valentine. That accent! Those eyes (we all know how I feel about boys with pretty eyes)! That progressive attitude about women’s rights and willingness to admit his failures and learn from them!

    • martinmegz says:

      I don’t know what Outlander is but after seeing this gif I’m sure as hell gonna find out

      • You should because I need someone to talk to about it! It’s a historical/fantasy/action show that takes place in 1700s Scotland with a great female protagonist and a theme song that kills me every time I hear it (in a good way)

  7. Sota says:

    In prime pre-V-day form, I accidentally picked a fight with the guy I am interested in last night and now we are in a tiff. Just seems typical. I wasn’t expecting to do anything for v-day since we arent actually a couple, but ugh. Seems like even if I did manage to get myself into a real relationship, I would prob still eff it up before any holiday anyways.

  8. It’ll be my 15-year anniversary! Of being single.

  9. Commentatrix says:

    I’m not bitter this VD weekend but I am incredibly bored. Being single is boring sometimes! Being in a relationship can also be boring, but right now I am bored by the other thing.

    • flanny says:

      Don’t worry if you’re bored now! Only three weekends until the most exciting weekend of your life! (The weekend I visit. Everyone in LA, please remember I am visiting and need to be entertained.)

    • Go on friend dates! I’ve actually found lately that I am trying to do more interesting stuff because I refuse to be boring when I’m single. In fact, I might be more interesting when I’m single than when I’m with someone. Mainly because if your SO is all “I’m not interested in that let’s do something else” then you just do whatever other boring thing. If you’re single and your friend doesn’t want to do that thing, you find another friend to do that thing. I realize that you could do things with your friends and not SO but then you don’t spend time with the person you’re in love with.

      this is rambly. I am trying hard to justify how awesome it is being single. BECAUSE IT IS DAMNIT.

  10. martinmegz says:

    I don’t mind Valentine’s Day. I buy myself a present (it’s always exactly what I wanted!) and order my favorite dinner and drink a bottle of spumante. As I mentioned on Twitter, the best Valentine’s Day of my life was the year Die Hard 5 came out on Feb. 14. It’s the worst Die Hard, but spending a V-Day with Die Hard is still amazing. Although I though maybe the theater would be filled with single guys out to watch the movie but it was all couples! Obnoxious couples that I wanted to throw my Good&Plenty at.

    My worst Valentine’s Day was the year a guy dumped me the day before because I wasn’t Jewish. Of course he knew the whole time we dated that I was Catholic but somehow it didn’t set in until I had the ashes on my forehead from Ash Wed and/or he had to buy me a damn present. Asshole.

    BNPG: What’s your best/worst Valentine’s story?

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Worst was the year there was a terrible snow storm and so no one came to my party including my friend who told me to switch it to that night because one of our professors was having a party the original night (that I wasn’t invited to) and (and i quote!), “if you leave it there, nobody is going to come.”

      Best was the year mr truck threw me a surprise party for my 30th birthday (bonus – I got to hang out and go shopping with my friend all day!)

    • flanny says:

      My best Valentine’s was actually last year when I ran my second-most recent 5K. It was waaaay below zero, but beautiful and snowy and I ran the whole thing and then got a donut and a beer at the end. And then later that afternoon I picked up one of my best friends from Boston at the airport and we went and got Greek food and then hung out all weekend.

      Worst is difficult because that’d be like having to choose my worst Thursday afternoon or something.

    • catweazle says:

      I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad Valentine’s Day tbh. Like, they haven’t all been amazing or anything but none of them have been terrible. But that may be because I have never been romantically involved with somebody on V Day so I haven’t had expectations to disappoint.

      The best one was probably one year in high school (junior or senior, can’t remember) when I went with a big group of friends to a ’50 themed dance party at a coffee shop. It was mostly couples but there was one single guy there so we danced with each other the whole time and neither of us was romantically interested in the other so it was 100% fine and we also won Best Dressed Couple most likely because he was the only guy wearing a full suit (I had a cute 50s-ish outfit too but it wasn’t anything spectacular) which really pissed off the twin sister of the guy I had a crush on because she wore a full-on poodle skirt and felt she should have won. And I really couldn’t stand her so it was basically the best possible outcome. Stay salty, Lauren!

    • In college I would usually organized some kind of horror movie thing. I think the best, though, was when we all went to the coffee shop/diner to grab the special red velvet waffles they were doing that day. There were like 7 of us singles, mix of guys and girls. We thought it would be packed but it was just us and 1 awkward couple in the corner. So we ended up taking over the music and my one friend taught us how to swing dance and also do the worm. Then a few of us went back to a dorm room and my friend decided we should watch “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” over “Eternal Sunshine.” She didn’t realize Eternal is set on Valentine’s. So instead of a theme movie we watched a gangster movie where the only women that appear onscreen are a poker dealer and the bottom half of a stripper. great choice, loved it.

    • martinmegz says:

      I just spent too much money on new eye shadow for myself but it looks so pretty! I got some Nars Dual-Intensity Eye Shadow. The product rep was there so she did all my make up for me and now I have this amazing smoky eye going so I’m gonna look great sitting alone on my couch watching Jeopardy! and The Amazing Race tonight!

  11. Simon Spidermonk says:

    My hair did look great today. Thanks for noticing!

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