New York Fashion week has come to a close. Dull grey clouds hover over the Manhattan skyline. Tumbleweeds blow down the deserted streets only to get caught in piles of dirty slush. Models slowly retreat to their caves where they will hibernate until September. And what are we left with? Only the beautiful memories of extravagant garments and opulent runway backdrops. Oh, and a veritable shitload of hideous and confusing accessories to mock!
I have carefully selected the twelve worst accessories from New York’s Fall 2016 collections and broken them down into four categories for your appraisal. Pray, heap your scorn upon them and then vote for your least favorite at the end!
Shoes are probably the most reliably nutty accessory you’ll find on any given runway, but these three designers went above and beyond.
(l-r: Christian Siriano, Jeremy Scott, Rodarte)
Let’s start off with the only Project Runway designer to ever achieve mainstream success: Christian Siriano. Christian, I need you to know that the world did not need acid yellow rope-braided snakeprint boots. It just didn’t. But you gave them to us anyway, which at the very least shows a dedication to lunacy that is if not admirable, then notable.
Moving on to Jeremy Scott. I almost didn’t include these Ren & Stimpy cowboy boots because they are so very much in line with Mr. Scott’s oeuvre (you may recall a previous collection of his which included garments patterned with Bart Simpson’s disembodied head). But… Ren & Stimpy cowboy boots.
Rodarte’s boots are more low-key than the others, but they are no less ugly. This style of ruffles popped up in collection after collection this season, like weeds that we’ll all be SO embarrassed we had in our gardens a few years from now. But no other designer was depraved enough to use them on shoes, and for that the Mulleavy sisters deserve to be punished.
Hats Off, Please
Hats are a tricky proposition to begin with. Most ladies these days only wear hats for warmth purposes or if they’re at a royal wedding/the Kentucky Derby. But that doesn’t stop designers from flaunting their questionable millinery every season!
(clockwise from bottom left: Alexander Wang, Mara Hoffman, Gary Graham)
I have never made it a secret that I think Alexander Wang suuuuucks, and it’s always nice to get a reminder of why his popularity is so bogus to me. Nearly every piece in his fall collection was printed with either “Girls,” “Strict,” or “Tender” which I assume was probably supposed to make some kind of point, but unfortunately it did not come through particularly well. This fuzzy orange hat would be ugly even without the nonsensical slogan. With it, it reaches peak ridiculousness.
A big thanks to Mara Hoffman for reminding us that sometimes one need only describe an item of clothing in the simplest terms to convey its awfulness. Oversized velvet beret.
Gary Graham is a designer who has produced collections I have sincerely loved, so I took personal offense at this year’s fall offering. I am really struggling to find the words to describe this headpiece. The closest I can come is that it might be a chunk of wall taken off a house designed by somebody with questionable taste in wallpaper. With tassles. And a strange applique. I don’t know. Take a nap, Gary.
Not Really My Bag
It wasn’t until I had already put together my top 12 and started sorting them into categories that I realized all of the bags were animal-themed.
(clockwise from left: Jeremy Scott, Thom Browne, Custo Barcelona)
Jeremy Scott is the only designer with the honor of appearing twice in this post. I simply couldn’t decide between the Ren & Stimpy cowboy boots and this mint green puppy purse. Stuffed animals were frequently turned into bags in the same decade that Ren & Stimpy was on the air so I guess this collection was at least thematically cohesive, but that doesn’t make this purse any less offensive to me.
Thom Browne is a nutball. You know that sad drunk clown outfit I often post here? That was him. This leather dog wheely suitcase is frankly tame for him, but that doesn’t make it any less of a leather dog wheely suitcase.
I’m just going to list some of the images I see in this Custo Barcelona handbag: two creepy cat heads, a winged heart-faced demon, a scary face with all of its top teeth missing, multiple areas in which the separate elements overlap to form evil-looking faces. It’s not good, guys.
These are the leftovers. The champions of their own respective categories. No coat, gloves, or… stomach charms could out-WTF them.
(clockwise from bottom left: Calvin Klein Collection, Libertine, Delpozo)
You may be looking at this Calvin Klein item and wondering what on earth it’s supposed to be. Would you believe me if I told you that this slice of rock is suspended in the belly button region of an otherwise perfectly normal dress? Well, it’s the truth. To me, it resembles nothing more than a gaping stomach wound. I guess when you’ve been around as long as Calvin Klein you have to really start reaching for new ideas.
I’ve only included a small section of this Libertine coat in the image above, but trust me when I say the whole thing was bananas. I just felt that the randomly placed egg and strip of bacon best encapsulated the spirit of the thing.
Delpozo’s collection was, on the whole, pretty lovely while being completely unwearable in a real world context. But I just can’t get behind these flower gloves.
Now that you’ve had a chance to review the lunacy, please vote for what you believe should win the title of Worst Accessory of New York Fashion Week Fall 2016.