Listen, I don’t know how actual March Madness is structured so I’m just going to fly by the seat of my pants here and I don’t want to hear “Oh no, catweazle, you were supposed to use this complicated algorithm to select one pairing from each division to vote on first and then sacrifice a lamb under the light of the full moon, you dummy!” My tournament, my rules.
Today, we’re going to be voting on the first four pairings from the Comics and Sci-Fi Babes Division.
Oscar Isaac (1) vs. Sebastian Stan (16)
Oscar really needs no introduction, but I’m going to give him one anyway. He is the hottest pilot in the Resistance! His hair is made of magic! His beard game is on point, but he looks equally good without it! Please enjoy this sexy GIF.
I know Sebastian Stan as that little shitbag Carter Baizen on Gossip Girl, but many of you know him from the Captain America movies, and if I understand the internet correctly, many of you want him to kiss Captain America. I just want him to keep being handsome.
John Cho (8) vs. Paul Rudd (9)
On the one hand you have John Cho, who is unspeakably handsome and just wants you to sit down and have a drink with him.
On the other hand you have Paul Rudd, who is like a human puppydog, if puppydogs were sexually attractive.
Michael B. Jordan (5) vs. Chris Pine (12)
I had to look up Michael B. Jordan’s age to see how much of a pervert I was to want to put my face on his face, but it turns out he’s only a year younger than me. Oh happy day! So glad that he’s a babe and not a baby.
Chris Pine is objectively a very handsome man and a good Captain Kirk but I’m still mad that Mia chose him over the hot British guy in The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. I won’t tip the scales of this match by showing you a picture of his ridiculous werewolf-like hairdo from that movie but I won’t discourage you from finding it yourself, because it’s almost as hilarious as his wig in Bottle Shock. But anyway, yes, he is hot, look!
Chris Pratt (4) vs. Zachary Quinto (13)
Chris Pratt’s transformation from schlubby but adorable sitcom star to straight-up foxy movie star has been confusing but delightful! The following GIF has the filename “pratt_abs” and you’re welcome.
Zachary Quinto also started out in TV before moving on to a successful sci-fi movie franchise, but that’s about all he has in common with Chris. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I came away from the first Star Trek with a huge crush on Spock, and then experienced many confusing feelings while watching him on Heroes.
Voting will close at 11:59PM ET on Friday (well, I don’t know how to actually close it, but that’s when I’ll look at the results).