Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: Miscellaneous Studs Part 2

Welcome to the last set of matchups in the first round of voting: part 2 of the Miscellaneous Studs!

Jon Hamm (6) vs. Channing Tatum (11)

This is an interesting matchup because while both of these men are much lauded for their looks, neither of them does a thing for me! First we have Jon Hamm who is objectively attractive and has been funny in many movies and shows, but who I can never not associate with human trash pile Don Draper.

Then we have Channing Tatum, who is sort of a delightful puppydog of a person but who suffers from what I call “Ryan Reynolds Syndrome”: a demonstrably “hot bod” that is undermined by a goofy face. But full disclosure, I did once have a dream that I made out with him and it was… interesting.


Ryan Gosling (3) vs. Michael Shannon (13)

Pop culture moves so fast these days that crushing on Ryan Gosling seems almost charmingly retro at this point. But we haven’t gotten over him yet, have we? He’s still got it!

I’m not going to try to explain to you why Michael Shannon is in this competition because you either think I’m crazy or you’re silently nodding your head in approval. I am not ashamed to say that he can get it, but I leave you to your own opinions.


Adam Scott (7) vs. Bradley Cooper (10)

Adam Scott is a tiny man with a somewhat weasely face, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t all work for him. Who among us would not swoon at the prospect of a dinner date with Ben Wyatt?

It made me feel slightly ill to include Bradley Cooper in this competition because I find him gross and unattractive but I am committed to this project to the point that I will put my personal feelings aside and tip my hat to the general populace. Here he is.


Joe Manganiello (2) vs. Jason Segel (15)

What can I say about Joe Manganiello? He was a big part of the reason that I kept watching True Blood as long as I did. He was the only stripper in Magic Mike who I actually was attracted to (sorry, other dudes). He is so singularly focused on having a cartoon bodybuilder physique that he wrote an entire book about it. He is a feast for the eyes.

It’s cute that Joe is matched up with Jason Segel, since they enjoyed a brief bromance turned frenemies situation on How I Met Your Mother. Jason is sort of the antithesis of Joe. He has probably never seen a single one of his abs! But he is an adorable teddy bear of a human being, which gives me confusing feelings about teddy bears.


Voting will close on Monday at 11PM ET, and the next round of voting will commence on Tuesday. You can view the full bracket here!

About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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35 Responses to Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: Miscellaneous Studs Part 2

  1. flanny says:

    I voted for Bradley not because he is friends with Jude Law (I don’t know!), but because we are birthday buddies.

    • catweazle says:

      You disgust me.

    • flanny says:

      And yes, following those guidelines I would also have to vote for Marilyn Manson. But we January 5thers gotta stick together.

    • FRQ says:

      Side note: I went to research my birthday on famousbirthdays.com, and their celeb rankings for each day are nuts. For example, today’s batch has Ewan McGregor as 3rd most famous, after Elizabeth Koshy and King Jacob, whoever the fuck these people are.

      • Sota says:

        The top row of my birthday date was you tube “stars” and Gregory Peck was down near the bottom of the page. So I think that website must be run by 12 year olds.

      • flanny says:

        That King Jacob is a literal infant.

        • summerestherson says:

          I Googled him and now I’m even more confused. “His social media stardom originated from musical.ly in 2015 as an 11 year old.”

          What….what is musical.ly??????? I’m scared. I’m old. Help.

        • flanny says:

          I just now googled him and the first result I got was from famousbirthdays.com. So maybe his parents own that website. Also there’s a youtube, and I can only see a truncated description, but it’s this: “Hi peeps.Now I’m going to do a video every day but I might now do it on wendsday just cuz gymnastics.” I don’t know why but that makes me sooooo angry!

        • summerestherson says:

          Because of gymnastics!!!!!!!

        • flanny says:

          Also, you are a baby infant. What life do you live that you could possibly have enough content to have a video every day? And why do you think you have an audience for that supposed content who is tracking your posting to the point where they want to be informed if you’re only going to post once a week?

        • flanny says:

          I just went to paste something in an email to a student and hadn’t yet actually copied it, so King Jacob’s quote was pasted instead. I know how to talk to millennials!

      • Erika says:

        Only three people in the top 25 I’ve even heard of. That thing has a ridiculous number of nobody Internet “celebrities”. Although apparently I share the same birthday as Garrett Dillahunt.

  2. Sota says:

    Soooo many times in this competition I have been met with the dilemma of “scientifically hottest body” vs. “guy I want to love me IRL.” I swear you did these match ups with that in mind intently Catweazle.


    • Marshall is the best part of HIMYM. I just want him to have his own show (with Lily of course, but she’s just a side character).

    • hotspur says:

      I voted for Jason Segel on the basis that I have watched the first 20 minutes of End of the Tour and it is very very good (so far).

  3. summerestherson says:

    Joe Manganiello is undeniably attractive, but he doesn’t really do it for me. Jason Segel is an adorable puppy person and I bet you he’s a good hugger too.

    Ben Wyatt is my actual perfect guy, and while Bradley Cooper has very pretty eyes I find him otherwise unappealing so this was a no brainer.

  4. collin0truckasaurus says:

    This has some tough matchups!! Related, did you guys watch the new Pee Wee movie on Netflix? Cause Joe Manganello is in it and it’s great.

  5. Kate says:

    I voted for Michael Shannon under tweeted orders from catweazle.

  6. Erika says:

    I went to the dudely cabaret in Vegas recently, and one of the guys was trying very hard to be Joe Manganiello. Not that I have a problem with that.

  7. saffie says:

    I hae never heard of Michael Shannon and I don’t know if I’m attracted to him, but… that GIF you chose. Ouch. He gets a vote.

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