So, real March Madness is over now I think? I do know that the month of March is over. But let’s be real here, we all know that the hotness of men is WAY more important than sports and therefore it makes sense that this tournament takes longer. We really need to examine the competitors as closely as possible in order to make the right choices, after all!
Anyway, Round One is over and the results are in! Let’s take a look at how things shook out:
COMICS AND SCI-FI BABES
Number One Seed
Poe Dameron Oscar Isaac skated past poor Sebastian Stan, with a whopping 95% of the vote. And Sebastian thought that the worst thing that would ever happen to him was that one time when Carter Baizen was sent to work as an indentured servant on an oil rig by a powerful southern family as punishment for dumping one of their daughters!
The next matchup was a bit more of a nail biter, but ultimately John Cho emerged victorious over Paul Rudd with 62% of the vote.
Michael B. Jordan pretty much wiped the floor with Chris Pine, earning 84% of the vote which hopefully will help ease the pain of being snubbed by the Oscars this year.
Next up is the first true upset of the tournament, with #13 seed Zachary Quinto taking down #4 seed Chris Pratt, though with only 57% of the vote. Call him Spockarella! (No. Don’t. I take it back.)
I should have trusted you all more when seeding this bracket because I had Mark Ruffalo as a #11 seed and Henry Cavill as a #6 seed. The universe righted itself, though, and the Ruffs won with 64% of the vote.
Less surprising was Chris Hemsworth’s victory over Cillian Murphy, with an impressive 71% of the vote. Sorry Cillian 😦
Moving along, Tom Hardy took down Ryan Reynolds with an even more impressive 74% of the vote.
Finally, the husband of our illustrious blogmother Theresa, Chris Evans, triumphed over Charlie Cox with 67% of the vote. Charlie put up a good fight for a TV superhero!
First off, nobody will be surprised to hear that Idris Elba beat Tom Mison with 90% of the vote, proving why he is a #1 seed.
Next, sorry Flanny but MY BOYFRIEND BEAT YOUR BOYFRIEND! Chiwetel Ejiofor very correctly sent Jude Law packing with 80% of the vote, which is not enough tbh, but it’ll do.
Newly-minted movie star John Boyega took home 62% of the vote in his match against Russell Tovey, which I will interpret as punishment for the behavior of Kevin (Tovey’s character) on Looking. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, KEVIN!
I think this should have actually been called the “Sorry Flanny” division because not only did we say farewell to Jude Law, but her child husbands in One Direction were also taken down by Colin Firth, who won 81% of the vote even though he is well past his prime.
The first upset of this division is Jonny Lee Miller’s surprising victory over Daniel Craig, having won the votes of 59% of us.
But in an even bigger upset, relative unknown Samuel Anderson, a #14 seed, took down #3 seed and internet fave Tom Hiddleston with 54% of the vote, proving that there are a lot of Doctor Who fans on the internet! Ta ta, Hiddles!
It’s got to be pretty hard to be Eddie Redmayne right now. First he misses out on his chance to win back-to-back Oscars. Then he gets eliminated in the very first round of the Tournament of Hotties at the hands of Matthew Goode, who claimed 80% of the vote.
And finally, in a turn of events that made me question everything I thought I knew about the internet, #2 seed Benedict Cumberbatch was defeated by an actor I thought very few people had even heard of, #15 seed JJ Feild. If you had asked me a few weeks ago which TV Sherlock Holmes would make it to Round Two of this tournament, it would not have been Jonny Lee Miller!
OTHER NON-NORTH AMERICAN FOXES
The first of multiple pleasant surprises in this division is a true David and Goliath story. #16 seed Alfonso Herrera took down #1 seed Michael Fassbender, scraping by with 52% of the vote. Get it, Hernando!
The next matchup was also closely contested, but ultimately Sam Hueghan bested Domhnall Gleeson with 54% of the vote.
In the first decisive victory of the division, sexy TV vampire Alexander Skarsgard won 75% of the vote against sexy TV cannibal Mads Mikkelsen. Better luck next time, Denmark!
Although he did not win this match, I was proud of my boy Gaspard Ulliel for only letting Gael Garcia Bernal win 61% of the vote. Solid effort, mon frere.
David Tennant v. Colin Farrell was a bit of a teeter-totter for a while, but at the end of the day 54% of you said “Allons-y!” and left Colin in the dust.
In yet another pleasantly surprising upset, 67% of you preferred the good looks of Godfrey Gao over the more universally recognizable James McAvoy.
My teenage heart was slightly broken to see delicious dish Diego Luna lose to Rodrigo Santoro, who netted 75% of the vote. Fools, all of you!
Lastly, Romain Duris was not able to Cinderella his way into the next round, as Ewan McGregor took home a tidy 75% of the vote.
Never in a million years would I have dreamed that Chris Messina would put up such a good fight against Monster Boyfriend Jake Johnson! But thankfully, Jakey squeaked by with 52% of the vote.
No offense to Matthew Bomer, but if Jesse Williams hadn’t won this round I would have been VERY confused. Mr. Williams and his ripped torso won 75% of the vote.
My lack of confusion did not last very long, though. Because The Fucking Rock won 64% of the vote against Sam Rockwell. SAM ROCKWELL! Love The Rock and all, but really guys??? (I am very good at being an impartial host of this tournament, aren’t I?)
I had never heard of Tyler Hoechlin before, but apparently a lot of you guys have because he sent home America’s Last Top Model Nyle DiMarco with 52% of the vote. How do you say “Bye girl bye” in ASL?
Whenever checking in on Jon Hamm v. Channing Tatum, I couldn’t help but mentally portmanteau them to Jon Hamming Tatum. This subconscious togetherness was reflected in the vote, which was an EXACT TIE! 50/50, y’all! I rectified the situation in the most scientific way possible. As a result, Channing Tatum will be moving on to Round Two, and if you disagree you only have yourself to blame for not monitoring my Twitter more carefully!
I face a bit of an ethical dilemma with the results of Ryan Gosling v. Michael Shannon. See, the Gos was trouncing Michael and that made me sad, so I tweeted asking my fellow Shannonheads to come save him. Truthfully I did not think this would have any effect, as my followers are few, but I have to think that this was the reason that this particular matchup ended up getting twice as many votes as the others from this round, with Michael Shannon winning 67% of the vote. I’m sorry! But there’s no way of really knowing whether the results are legitimate or not so I’m going to take the lazy route and honor his victory. And I promise not to solicit any more votes in the future!
The results of Adam Scott v. Bradley Cooper made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. If I concentrate on the fact that 76% of you voted for Adam, I can almost forget that 24% voted for Bradley! Ya lunatics!
And in the final matchup of Round One, traditionally hunky Joe Manganiello sent the lovable and cute Jason Segel packing, winning 63% of the vote.
So, how are your brackets looking? Tell me in the comments!
But before you do, please join me in voting for Round Two of the Comics and Sci-Fi Babes division! And please note, the following images were all found by google image searching “[Dude’s Name] sexy” so you’re welcome!
Oscar Isaac (1) vs. John Cho (8)
It’s Star Wars vs. Star Trek with this matchup! Will you choose the
Hottest Gayest Best Pilot of the Resistance, Oscar Isaac?
Or will you pick [whatever Sulu’s job on the Enterprise is, I forget and am too lazy to look it up], John Cho?
Michael B. Jordan (5) vs. Zachary Quinto (13)
Michael B. Jordan’s comic book movie may have bombed, but his hotness stock hasn’t gone down a cent.
Zachary Quinto’s eyebrows could play Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows in a movie. That’s not relevant, I just thought about it and felt the need to share. Also, he’s hot!
Mark Ruffalo (11) vs. Chris Hemsworth (3)
It’s a battle of the Avengers! But we’re not asking whether The Hulk could beat Thor in combat. We’re asking which one makes you feel strange things in your bathing suit area! Is it Mark Ruffalo, who has a sort of shabby, earnest charm that you could probably spend the rest of your life loving, not that I’ve thought about it or anything?
Or is it the man deemed hot enough to play a literal Greek God, Chris Hemsworth, with his rippling muscles and flowing blonde locks?
Tom Hardy (10) vs. Chris Evans (2)
In the words of Bane, Tom Hardy is “shmmtifuuhhhSEXYmmmphfrannHOTwllllbdssstry!” Very funny and timely jokes aside, dude is fine.
Captain America may be as wholesome as a glass of milk, but Chris Evans is disgusting! If we’re judging by the impure thoughts he inspires in others, at least.
Voting will close on Friday at 11PM ET!