Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: British Hunks Round Two

Welcome back to the tournament! Apologies for the delay, but I am a deeply lazy person. Luckily if there’s anything that can spur me back to productivity, it’s the prospect of doing intensive google image searches of “[hot actor’s name] sexy” — although this time around the results were… well, we’ll get to that. Enough yapping, let’s get to voting on the British Hunks division, Round Two!

Idris Elba (1) vs. Chiwetel Ejiofor (9)

The word “sexy” is a bit redundant when paired with Idris Elba’s name, and the results did not disappoint.

On the other hand, in the entire first page of search results for “Chiwetel Ejiofor sexy” there was not a single shirtless pic which is a massive failure on the internet’s part. But the news wasn’t all bad…


John Boyega (5) vs. Colin Firth (13)

The internet did not surprise or disappoint in John Boyega’s first page of results, though. There were a staggering number of pictures of him with costar/movie boyfriend Oscar Isaac, and even one that melded their faces into a creepy looking Boyegaac hybrid. Anyway, I don’t want this to spread too far so keep it to yourselves, but I have a bit of a weakness for a man with nice arms wearing a black t-shirt. SCANDALOUS, I KNOW!

Look, I don’t know if this picture is old or new or what and yeah I know you can’t really see his face but it is Colin Firth drinking red wine in a bathtub and if you don’t think that’s inherently hot then why are you even voting in this tournament?


Jonny Lee Miller (11) vs. Samuel Anderson (14)

If you had asked me yesterday which person in this tournament’s search results would yield the most pictures of random naked men with boners, it would not have been Jonny Lee Miller, and yet here we are. I’ve seen a lot of penises today, but sorry pervs, none of them belonged to Jonny. You’ll have to settle for a pic of him on a bed with clothes on.

Ok, I spoke too soon. Samuel Anderson produced wayyyyyy more penises, with bonus explicit gay porn stills! But between all the BJs and butt stuff, there were some lovely photos of our guy. Just kidding! There were a few screenshots from Doctor Who episodes sprinkled amongst the wangs, and I had to resort to removing “sexy” from my search term to finally unearth this gem.


Matthew Goode (7) vs. JJ Feild (15)

When first this showed up in my search results I thought it must be fake but after being forced to scroll past dozens of meticulously screencapped moments from a nude scene he did in some random movie I feel I know his body well enough to identify it on sight, and so I choose to believe that this is real. It’s like a dream come true, really.

He Davided the Goliath out of Benedict Cumberbatch, but can he take down another titan? It’s hard to judge this pair without seeing JJ wearing nothing but a union jack, but I think we can all use our imaginations.


Voting will close on Friday at 11PM ET!


About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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8 Responses to Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: British Hunks Round Two

  1. artdorkgirl says:

    That no-name who bested my Ben better lose this round! Much like a certain drag queen that Ru should have been cut but is still hanging around while the more talented go home. (Yes, I’m saying JJ is the Derrick Barry of this contest)

  2. Sota says:

    Colin Firth in a tub. YEP.

  3. Ugh, this is getting really tough.

    • hotspur says:

      Not for me. I have a simple rule: Only vote if someone was in Trainspotting.

      I want to see that movie win every award it can.

  4. Today, I am thankful for these posts and incognito mode, so I too can search for all these gentlemen + “sexy”

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