Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: Sexy Sixteen Results

We’re getting close to the end of this glorious tournament, and despite some early upsets the majority of the gentlemen advancing to the Exquisite Eight are high seeds. Michael Fassbender has the unique shame of being the only top seed not to make it to this stage, and I like to imagine that today he finds himself inexplicably cranky. Anyway, let’s examine the results!

Oscar Isaac continues to live up to the title of The Internet’s Boyfriend, 2016 as poor Michael B. Jordan simply could not repel sexiness of that magnitude!

In one of the more surprising outcomes of the tournament so far, Tom Hardy is still in the game having taken down the least-egregiously-incorrect Sexiest Man Alive in recent years, Chris Hemsworth. But can he hold up against the juggernaut that is Poe Dameron?


Idris Elba has taken down some truly strong contenders, and his latest conquest is John Boyega. I would be sad about this, except I like to think that this tournament is like John’s first Olympics. He qualified for the team based on raw talent, but he is too young to have reached his full potential and will have a better chance at the gold next time!

It wasn’t a great day for Jo(h)ns, as Jonny Lee Miller lost a tight race against Matthew Goode. Jonny, take note: if you star in a show about wine you might improve your chances next year!


The first matchup was a real nail-biter and in the end Gael Garcia Bernal defeated Alfonso Herrera by a single vote. HERNANDOOOOOOOO! It’s a sad day for Sense8 fans, but it’s hard to be too upset when Gael is the alternative.

The Other Non-North American Hotties Cinderella stories both ended this round, as Godfrey Gao could not win our love away from Ewan McGregor. You get an A for effort, though, Godfrey!


Despite some devious attempts by certain Monsters to push The Rock through, our Blog Boyfriend Jake Johnson prevailed and will be advancing as the Lord intended.

And at this point I know that we must be collectively trolling because Michael Shannon once again emerged victorious, this time snatching victory from the sexy jaws of Joe Manganiello. It’s not that I don’t agree with this outcome, but… I’m a bit speechless!


How are your brackets looking? As terrible as mine?


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Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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18 Responses to Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: Sexy Sixteen Results

  1. collin0truckasaurus says:

    This Michael Shannon nonsense is real garbage.

  2. summerestherson says:

    Ugh I’m really not looking forward to the next round! Idris Elba vs. Matthew Goode??? What am I supposed to do there?

  3. Sota says:

    Oscar Isaac? Tom Hardy?

    This tournament will break me eventually.

  4. hotspur says:

    I’m glad Trainspotting is still in this. Maybe Kelly Macdonald will win in the end, with a huge out-of-nowhere victory.

  5. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    Now that Johnny Lee Miller is out, I can’t honestly say I care who wins. If I had to choose, I would root for Gael Garcia Bernal and…

    Michael Shannon.

  6. martinmegz says:

    If Michael Shannon wins, I riot!

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