Like most of America, apparently, I saw Captain America: Civil War this weekend. It was very good, lots of exciting action scenes, several funny jokes, only one awkwardly shoehorned in moment of totally believable heterosexuality, #TeamCap, etc. Today, though, I want to talk about the most important aspect of the film: holy hell are there a lot of hotties in it! And because apparently I haven’t gotten my fill of ranking people based on how much I want to make out with them with the Tournament of Hotties, here is the definitive hotness ranking of the main characters. (Spoilers herein, btw)
Listen, I’m sure Tom Holland is a fine young man and will grow up to be very handsome, but he is a child and my last name isn’t Letourneau.
Hawkeye is a fun character and all and he chose the right team and he has a lovely mentor-mentee relationship with Scarlet Witch but I cannot look past what a d-bag Jeremy Renner is. Sorry bro.
In The Winter Soldier I might have hit it before he turned out to be a comic book Nazi, but if I’m going to get all up on a melty-faced dude he had better actually be a good person.
14. Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross
I hope this doesn’t Hurt his feelings but this Colonel Sanders-looking fucker is too old and also his character sux.
13. Iron Man
Remember how Iron Man was the dumbest in The Avengers 2: Can You Believe Creating Artificial Intelligence Was A Bad Idea? He is even more the dumbest in this movie! First of all, the response to Alfre Woodard dead-kid-shaming you by some elevators isn’t to sign some sketchy treaty, it’s to maybe let the other Avengers make the important decisions next time and therefore create fewer supervillains. Second of all, I know Bucky killed your parents and you loved your mommy but girl you know full well that he was brainwashed and hypnotized by Russians at the time and you are being a tool. Go take a nap!
I would rank him higher due to the fact that he is hot but murderous villains don’t really get my motor running. I will say that as villainous motivations go, “Being really sad and wanting to hurt Iron Man’s feelings” is not the worst. If he had only left the other Avengers out of it he might have cracked the top 10!
11. Sharon Carter
Unlike Captain America I am too attached to Peggy Carter to want to make out with her niece.
10. Everett K. Ross
I don’t really understand the point of this character, but hi Martin Freeman! He’s not exactly my bowl of jelly but Martin will always get a decent ranking just for playing John Watson so gay.
9. War Machine
If I’ve learned anything from the Iron Man movies it’s that Rhodey is nearly always on the wrong side of the argument so it should be a big red flag to Iron Man that even after getting paralyzed by friendly fire and learning that their team was duped by an obviously evil fake psychiatrist he still thinks signing the treaty was the right thing to do. This has nothing to do with whether or not he is hot but I felt the need to get it off my chest. In terms of hotness, I wouldn’t say no to a dinner date but I’m not going to write him a fan letter either.
8. Scarlet Witch
I consider myself to be an honorary Olsen twin because we were born just four days apart and who knows, it could have just been a really long labor. That also makes me Scarlet Witch’s honorary older sister, so even though she is a cool character with good taste in jackets I can’t in good conscience put her at the top of a hot list. I would probably choose her as my sidekick over the rest of the Avengers, though. She can move shit with her mind!
Ant-Man was a lot less lame of a superhero than I expected, especially when he became giant and stomped on an airplane. He also made me laugh, and as Winston Churchill said, “Laughter is the sexiest medicine.” You know the hotness caliber of your cast is off the charts when Paul Rudd doesn’t even crack the top five though!
I think it must kind of suck to be Falcon because his super power is “Tony Stark gave me some gadgets” but he is still good at his job and good at being a friend. And good at being handsome!
Vision is basically a robot? Or a cyborg I guess? But he is a tall drink of water who wears nice sweaters and is nice to Scarlet Witch and is weirdly hot despite being all red and alien looking. I forgive him for being Team Iron Man because he is still technically a baby and doesn’t know any better.
4. Captain America
Listen, I love Cap. He seems like he would be the most boring superhero of all time but somehow he is the best? And even in a profoundly silly costume he manages to look if not cool then at least like a sexually viable prospect. And when he’s out of the costume, oh boy, those tiny t-shirts. I will admit to being slightly repulsed by his enormous biceps in that helicopter scene though, so he’s a solid #4. There’s such a thing as too big, Steve.
3. Black Panther
After leaving the theater on Friday my sister asked me “Who was the actor who played the kitty cat?” She, like me, was impressed with the new kid on the block! Sure, he might have started the movie wanting to revenge-kill Bucky, but at least he had good if incorrect reasons for it! And unlike fucking Iron Man he wised up in time to join the right team AND was the one to shame Zemo and send him to superhero jail. And he looked pretty darn foxy in that catsuit. Quite an auspicious start, Black Panther!
2. Black Widow
Possibly the only thing I didn’t like about the last Captain America movie was the terrible hairdo they gave Black Widow, so I was very happy to see that they got their shit together for her this time. She deserves the very best! Don’t hide her sexy light under a bushel! It bummed me out that she wasn’t Team Cap after they became BFFs in The Winter Soldier but she redeemed herself in the end and justified my love.
1. Winter Soldier
Poor Bucky! He just wanted to live an angsty life in Bucharest, shopping at street markets and keeping a diary about his long lost boyfriend Steve and not ever washing his hair! If you were Cap, wouldn’t you beat the shit out of all of your best friends for this guy too? I sure would.
I suppose if you want to talk about the actual events of the movie in the comments that would be ok but what would be even more ok is if you have any GIFs to share of these sexy beasts!