Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: THE FINALS

Holy shit, guys! We did it! We hacked and slashed our way through sixty-four brave competitors and are left with just two pillars of sexiness to choose between. When this tournament began back in March I had no idea what an emotional roller-coaster it would be. Thank you all for taking this sacred journey with me.


We had two very close matches in our Foxy Four, both decided by some last-minute votes. And I am very pleased to report that our Final Two is as BATTLE OF TWINS!

Oscar Isaac (1) vs. Jake Johnson (1)

Oscar’s path to the finals started smooth, with decisive victories over Sebastian Stan, John Cho and Michael B. Jordan.

Things got a little trickier in the Exquisite Eight, as Tom Hardy very nearly snatched victory from his sexy jaws.

And his Foxy Four battle was a dead heat until a couple of last minute votes pushed him ahead of formidable opponent Idris Elba.

Is he the fox of your dreams? The only stud who holds your heart? The babe who makes you feel strange new sensations in your bathing suit area?



And now, for the competition.

Would you believe that Jake Johnson barely scraped by in his first round match against Chris Messina?

Things turned around in rounds two and three, where Jake toppled two Adonii: Jesse Williams and The Rock.

Things took a dark turn in the Exquisite Eight and Foxy Four as inexplicable juggernaut Michael Shannon and past-his-prime hottie Ewan McGregor nipped at his heels. I was ready to write off our Jakey when Ewan took a late lead in the last round until an 11th hour turnaround saw him emerge victorious by a margin of one vote.

Can Jake beat the odds again? Do you prefer Oscar’s more human and attainable doppelganger? Can you just not resist his sweet, sweet dance moves?



But wait! I’m not through with you yet! While it is of course very important to determine who is the hottest of the hot, it is equally important to acknowledge the beauty of some of those we’ve left behind. Therefore, I have handpicked 25 competitors who were eliminated in the first two rounds who I believe deserve a second chance at glory (either because I love them or because I know some of you love them). Please vote for up to five gentlemen!


Voting for both polls will close on Thursday at 11PM ET!


About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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12 Responses to Homeless Monsters Tournament of Hotties: THE FINALS


    Now I’m going to spend the next few days mulling over my decision.

  2. flanny says:

    Look, I’m all for Poe Dameron, but I really wasn’t a fan of Llewyn Davis, so I have to go with the Prince of Grumps.

    1D for the Door Prize!

  3. Apparently we are all very into sleepy-eyed brunettes.

  4. catweazle says:

    I would be sad that I seem to be the cheese that stands alone on Diego Luna but I’m really just looking forward to saying “I told you so” when all of you fall in love with him again after Rogue One comes out.

  5. Martinmegs says:

    I know that Poe Dameron will prevail over Nick Miller. I guess I’ve always known it. But I’m so damn proud of his run to the finals. Stay grumpy Nick Miller, the illest of the ill.

  6. old man fatima says:

    I don’t really have a horse in this race, but I was so excited to vote that I hit the vote button without even picking one!! WordPress was like “please choose a hottie” and I was like “don’t push me, WordPress”

  7. hotspur says:

    I’m abstaining so that my clueless heterosexuality doesn’t mess this up. I am genuinely curious to see whether you who are into dudes prefer the objectively hotter version or the rumpled comedic version of what is, as far as I can tell, the exact same man.

    Either way, it is already useful to have learned that this Oscar/Jake type is so overwhelmingly the winner that on both sides of the bracket, he whipped all comers.

  8. Commentatrix says:

    This was too hard so I let my baser instinct be in charge of this decision and voted for the twin who can grow the manliest beard.

  9. gnidrah says:

    I had been thinking this was Jack Johnson the whole way through, so I am very glad I read it properly on the final bloody post.

    • catweazle says:

      Oh my god, what kind of nightmare dystopia did you think we were living in this whole time?!?!?!?

      • gnidrah says:

        I’ll be honest, I was very confused. I guess I wondered if he’d had a new album out and I’d missed it… 😉

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