I don’t know about you guys but I am physically incapable of choosing not to read things that I know will infuriate me. Rather than stewing in impotent rage when this happens, I’m going to try expressing my feelings in a healthier manner with a new feature called The Garbage Report.
What better way to kick off this feature than by chronicling the latest trash exploits of human stink-line Johnny Depp?
You would think that after the Wino Forever incident Johnny would have grown a little more circumspect about his tattoo choices, but apparently 20+ years of life experience did not improve his judgment because he had his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s nickname, “Slim,” tattooed across his knuckles before the whole “being a piece of shit domestic abuser” thing blew up in his face.
What’s a guy with (presumably) millions of dollars at his disposal to do when confronted with an undesirable tattoo? Carry it as a reminder of past mistakes and become inspired to be a better person? Get some pretty flowers or something tattooed over it? Pay a medical professional to remove it with lasers? Replace his hand with a robot hand? Nope! Our Johnny chose to have the tattoo altered to read “SCUM” instead.
Picture the 52-year-old Depp sitting at the tattoo parlor wearing 15 scarves, tinted sunglasses and a variety of skull-themed jewelry, smiling smugly to himself, thinking “This’ll show that witch-with-a-b!” Now picture his friends’ faces as they try to be supportive of this choice instead of pointing out that he has unintentionally chosen a very appropriate label for himself to permanently write into his flesh.
If you could choose something to tattoo on Johnny’s knuckles as punishment for being a piece of shit, what would it be? Here are some of my own suggestions: