The Garbage Report: Johnny Depp Is An Idiot

I don’t know about you guys but I am physically incapable of choosing not to read things that I know will infuriate me. Rather than stewing in impotent rage when this happens, I’m going to try expressing my feelings in a healthier manner with a new feature called The Garbage Report.

What better way to kick off this feature than by chronicling the latest trash exploits of human stink-line Johnny Depp?

You would think that after the Wino Forever incident Johnny would have grown a little more circumspect about his tattoo choices, but apparently 20+ years of life experience did not improve his judgment because he had his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s nickname, “Slim,” tattooed across his knuckles before the whole “being a piece of shit domestic abuser” thing blew up in his face.

What’s a guy with (presumably) millions of dollars at his disposal to do when confronted with an undesirable tattoo? Carry it as a reminder of past mistakes and become inspired to be a better person? Get some pretty flowers or something tattooed over it? Pay a medical professional to remove it with lasers? Replace his hand with a robot hand? Nope! Our Johnny chose to have the tattoo altered to read “SCUM” instead.

Picture the 52-year-old Depp sitting at the tattoo parlor wearing 15 scarves, tinted sunglasses and a variety of skull-themed jewelry, smiling smugly to himself, thinking “This’ll show that witch-with-a-b!” Now picture his friends’ faces as they try to be supportive of this choice instead of pointing out that he has unintentionally chosen a very appropriate label for himself to permanently write into his flesh.

If you could choose something to tattoo on Johnny’s knuckles as punishment for being a piece of shit, what would it be? Here are some of my own suggestions:




About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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18 Responses to The Garbage Report: Johnny Depp Is An Idiot

  1. catweazle says:

    Many things even more garbagey than Johnny Depp’s life choices have been going on since I wrote this post so feel free to talk about that stuff here instead.

  2. Sota says:

    I have a theory that tattoos in honor of relationships or matching couples tattoos are the kiss of death for said relationship. Thoughts?

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Agreed. On the day I got my tattoo (Valentine’s Day – my birthday) there was a couple there getting each other’s names tattooed. They were named Jesus and Mary. I wish them all the best. But yeah, they’re doomed probably.

      • flanny says:

        Ooh, my grandparents were Joseph and Mary, so I think they have that couple beat for Most Accurate Biblical Coupling. They didn’t get tattoos (too busy being farmers) and were married until my grandpa died after almost 50 years.

  3. Sota says:

    CAPT JACK would have been good knucks tats also.

  4. hotspur says:

    My impression is that Depp does not enjoy being 52 and would prefer to be 26 a while longer. That is most people, but most people don’t have nine zillion dollars and a private island, so MOST people just marry Winona Ryder and pretend they’re fine with 52.

    • flanny says:

      Don’t get me wrong, Winona has lived A LIFE, but she dodged a bullet when that relationship ended.

      • hotspur says:

        Anyone know if her current show is good? Stranger Things, I think it’s called. I miss Winona.

        • flanny says:

          I hadn’t heard about it, but it doesn’t premiere until the 15th. Also Matthew Modine is in it?!?!? Power couple. I’m incredibly interested.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Ugh, you could not pay me enough to be 26 again…

  5. artdorkgirl says:

    So Johnny Depp’s band, “The Hollywood Vampires” (yes…that really is their real name that they as adults settled on) is playing one of the local casinos at the end of the month and I had to drive by that billboard every day on my way to Worcester. It made me irrationally angry every time.

  6. Sota says:

  7. Commentatrix says:

    I’d like you all to congratulate me retroactively for never really “getting” Johnny Depp.

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