The Garbage Report: Whatever The Fuck Is Happening With Taylor Swift and Kanye West

I hate to be That Guy, but in recent weeks it’s felt like we are actually on the verge of some apocalyptic rivers running red with blood type shit and yet when I woke up this morning, what was the top news story on the nation’s mind? Military coup in Turkey? The ongoing protests of police violence? The piece of bigoted shit just announced as Donald Trump’s running mate?

Nope! Something about these clowns doing something clownish.

 

Listen, I get the whole escapism-through-celebrity-gossip thing and I get that in times of turmoil it’s nice to have something frivolous to distract ourselves with but this whole shitshow is just fifty kinds of gross on every side. It profoundly irritates me that I even have a stance but ultimately I am pro-Taylor because hey Kanye, you’re acting as though Taylor called you up and begged you to write a song about her when in reality you wrote something gross and misogynistic about a very young woman and then put her in a position where she felt she had to say she was ok with it in order to seem cool and be your friend! THIS IS A STANCE I HAVE WASTED MENTAL ENERGY FORMULATING AND ARTICULATING WHEN I SHOULD STILL JUST BE LAUGHING AT TAYLOR’S FAUXMANCE WITH AN INCREASINGLY EMBARRASSED TOM HIDDLESTON AND CONTINUING TO PRETEND THE KARDASHIANS DON’T EXIST IN THE MOMENTS WHEN I’M NOT FALLING INTO A PIT OF DESPAIR OVER THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD!

Here are some potential celebrity feuds that I would be happy to focus on instead:

  • Lupita Nyong’o feuds with Martha Stewart after a perceived neg when Martha tweets at Lupita but misplaces the apostrophe in her name.
  • Cate Blanchett feuds with Zendaya after they both wear the same cape to an award show and each refuses to remove it for the other’s sake.
  • Oscar Isaac feuds with Sebastian Stan over whose major franchise character is gayer.
  • Guy Fieri feuds with Gwyneth Paltrow when he claims she stole one of his recipes for her latest cookbook.
  • Chad Michael Murray and Aaron Carter feud over who was at the center of the better feud between Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.
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About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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24 Responses to The Garbage Report: Whatever The Fuck Is Happening With Taylor Swift and Kanye West

  1. FRQ says:

    This scandal continues to grow in hilarity. They’re both insufferable and I hope they get sucked into the implosion caused by their fame collision.

    • old man fatima says:

      Were celebrities always so childish, or is it just that they have a more direct way to express themselves now? Do you think Rock Hudson would have been this ridiculous if everything he said wasn’t filtered through a PR team first? God, I hope so. Liz Taylor on twitter would have been amazing. I would quit my day job and spend all day reading 90s Marlon Brando’s tweets.

    • flanny says:

      RE: that article and its content. I don’t know what clapping back is.

  2. old man fatima says:

    Everything that you wrote before those bullet points came in was so upsetting to me. Thank god for those bullet points.

  3. summerestherson says:

    #FREETOM

  4. flanny says:

    Even your imaginary Cate Blanchett feud broke my heart. Cate would never feud with anyone!!!

  5. collin0truckasaurus says:

    It wasn’t until the Guy Fieri bullet that I realized these feuds were imaginary. Mondays!

    • catweazle says:

      I’m glad that you also find it believable that Oscar and Sebastian would fight to be King of the Fictional Gays!

      • collin0truckasaurus says:

        Yeah, I think in my mind it was like they were fighting over being the bigger advocate for the gay community.

  6. martinmegz says:

    Thank you for articulating your position on this feud so I don’t have to formulate my own thoughts! I agree with you. I think people hate Taylor for having such a contrived image, but she’s a billion dollar product, why would she not keep her PR on lockdown? Also, is it not weird that Kim records and archives all of Kanye’s phone calls?

    • Sota says:

      Supposedly everything is recorded for both of them for their “careers.” Kanye has his people record everything while he is making an album, and Kim has everything filmed for the show. Or so I have heard on various trash articles on the web regarding this trash topic.

      • catweazle says:

        I prefer to believe that they have just achieved a Nixon-esque state of paranoia.

      • martinmegs says:

        I’ve since read that Taylor allegedly threatened them with legal action months ago when Kim alleged havng the tapes because CA is a two-party consent state for recording, so I really want to know why Kim felt safe releasing this now

        • hotspur says:

          I would be giddy if Kim went to jail for recording a phone call from Taylor.

          You understand I don’t want Kim to go to jail. But I do want her to go to jail for tape recording a phone call from Taylor.

          Just for a year.

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