I hate to be That Guy, but in recent weeks it’s felt like we are actually on the verge of some apocalyptic rivers running red with blood type shit and yet when I woke up this morning, what was the top news story on the nation’s mind? Military coup in Turkey? The ongoing protests of police violence? The piece of bigoted shit just announced as Donald Trump’s running mate?
Nope! Something about these clowns doing something clownish.
Listen, I get the whole escapism-through-celebrity-gossip thing and I get that in times of turmoil it’s nice to have something frivolous to distract ourselves with but this whole shitshow is just fifty kinds of gross on every side. It profoundly irritates me that I even have a stance but ultimately I am pro-Taylor because hey Kanye, you’re acting as though Taylor called you up and begged you to write a song about her when in reality you wrote something gross and misogynistic about a very young woman and then put her in a position where she felt she had to say she was ok with it in order to seem cool and be your friend! THIS IS A STANCE I HAVE WASTED MENTAL ENERGY FORMULATING AND ARTICULATING WHEN I SHOULD STILL JUST BE LAUGHING AT TAYLOR’S FAUXMANCE WITH AN INCREASINGLY EMBARRASSED TOM HIDDLESTON AND CONTINUING TO PRETEND THE KARDASHIANS DON’T EXIST IN THE MOMENTS WHEN I’M NOT FALLING INTO A PIT OF DESPAIR OVER THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD!
Here are some potential celebrity feuds that I would be happy to focus on instead:
- Lupita Nyong’o feuds with Martha Stewart after a perceived neg when Martha tweets at Lupita but misplaces the apostrophe in her name.
- Cate Blanchett feuds with Zendaya after they both wear the same cape to an award show and each refuses to remove it for the other’s sake.
- Oscar Isaac feuds with Sebastian Stan over whose major franchise character is gayer.
- Guy Fieri feuds with Gwyneth Paltrow when he claims she stole one of his recipes for her latest cookbook.
- Chad Michael Murray and Aaron Carter feud over who was at the center of the better feud between Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.