Wondering what’s in the stars for you as you journey through this life and toward the next? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanospooks. They’re like horoscopes, but they tell you what people in the future will wear when they dress up like you for Halloween!
Aries: March 21-April 19
Skull mask, a black sweatsuit with the outlines of bones drawn on it in silver, sparkly puff paint, and L.L. Bean winter boots.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
A black and white striped shirt, tight black pants, and a red beret.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Three bikini tops and basketball shorts from the 1970s.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Short shorts, Mickey Mouse ears, holding a wedge of cheese.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Generic ghost costume (the whole white sheet with eyes cut out thing) splattered with maple syrup.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Sopping wet fireman.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Jack the Ripper costume. (Spoiler: you are Jack the Ripper. How are you not dead by now?)
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Barbara Walters dress suit. Rainbow fro wig. Stuffed dolphin on a leash dragging behind.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Catholic school girl uniform.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Your normal clothes, but with a Hello My Name is sticker with a bunch of question marks on the shirt. Then in their wallet they’ll be carrying a corporate credit card with only the first four letters of your first name on it.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Overalls and a trainwhistle, and a whole bunch of gooey red makeup all over their face.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Store-bought Buddy the Elf costume.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*