Wondering what’s in the stars for you in the afterlife? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanospooks. They’re like horoscopes, but they tell you what sort of creature will pull you into the murky depths!
Aries: March 21-April 19
A glowing blue squid
Taurus: April 20-May 20
The baby of the glowing blue squid that pulled Aries into the depths. He’s just a little baby and he needs to be taught to hunt. Awwww.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
The Lady of the Lake of Arthurian legend because she’s been sitting around in that lake for centuries and she is bored!
Cancer: June 21-July 22
The Kraken, of course!
Leo: July 23-August 22
Iron Chef Alex Guarnaschelli.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
A giant lobster, who clamps his claws on you and won’t let up until every rib is crumbled to bits.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Nothing really pulls you in, but your feet get tangled up in a discarded hair extension. You trip and fall into the murky shallows and then the tide eases you out into the depths.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
A large school of radioactive seahorses.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
A vindictive starfish with only four arms. She’s going to drag people into the depths until she finds the little twerp who took her arm, dammit!
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*