Flanospooks for Your Weekend

Wondering what’s in the stars for you in the afterlife? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanospooks. They’re like horoscopes, but they tell you what sort of creature will pull you into the murky depths!

Aries: March 21-April 19
A glowing blue squid

Taurus: April 20-May 20
The baby of the glowing blue squid that pulled Aries into the depths. He’s just a little baby and he needs to be taught to hunt. Awwww.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
The Lady of the Lake of Arthurian legend because she’s been sitting around in that lake for centuries and she is bored!

Cancer: June 21-July 22
The Kraken, of course!

Leo: July 23-August 22
Iron Chef Alex Guarnaschelli.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
A giant lobster, who clamps his claws on you and won’t let up until every rib is crumbled to bits.

Libra: September 23-October 22
Nothing really pulls you in, but your feet get tangled up in a discarded hair extension. You trip and fall into the murky shallows and then the tide eases you out into the depths.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Unknowable blob.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21

Capricorn: December 22-January 19

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
A large school of radioactive seahorses.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
A vindictive starfish with only four arms. She’s going to drag people into the depths until she finds the little twerp who took her arm, dammit!

*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*

About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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19 Responses to Flanospooks for Your Weekend

  1. artdorkgirl says:

    You know…I’ve always been wary of hair extensions…

  2. Sota says:

    But the blue squid looks so cute! He would never…

  3. hotspur says:

    Killed by Aqualad!? I would never have seen that coming if not for this feature. Thanks, flanospooks — you have saved me. (Or revealed my unavoidable fate? Unclear.)

    Meanwhile, I like the photo. The scene of my future demise is so ordinary and so sinister.

    • flanny says:

      Unavoidable fate. You can’t fight the stars. Or the moonlight.

      • hotspur says:

        I got you flanny. You didn’t need to include the video to make the reference clear. I saw that movie in theaters.

        • flanny says:

          I have a genuine question for my East Coast-affiliated Monsters. So, if you’ll remember, in Coyote Ugly, they call Whatsherface “Jersey” because she is from New Jersey. But this movie takes place in New York, and if my knowledge of New York geography is correct, parts of New Jersey are basically commuter suburbs for New York. So is it really so extraordinary for a lady from New Jersey to leave her homestate to work at a bar in New York? So very extrardinary that they give her a nickname based on where she’s from? I would imagine that there are millions of people in New York originally from New Jersey. Let’s pretend that everyone in New York from New Jersey gets teasingly called “Jersey.” If you called out “Jersey” in a crowded bar, I would think A LOT of people would turn around. You get what I mean? It seems like it’s either a very bad nickname, or I don’t understand the relationship between New York and New Jersey.
          This is like how the Baby-Sitters Club is always in awe of New York. I mean, as a little girl growing up in Detroit, I was in awe of New York too, because it was very far away and would take either a flight or an overnight drive to get there. But the Baby-Sitters Club is in Connecticut! Girls, how have you lived in Connecticut for THIRTEEN YEARS and never gone to New York? THERE ARE FUCKING COMMUTER TRAINS THAT RUN FREQUENTLY FROM YOUR HOME TOWN TO THIS MAJOR METROPOLIS!! There’s no reason for your parents not to take you on a train ride to see a Bway show or something! I read From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler and little Claudia Kincaid knew how to board a train and navigate around New York and HIDE OUT IN A MUSEUM and the BSC has NEVER BEEN TO THE CITY??? New York is closer to you than Chicago is to where I grew up and by the time I was thirteen Chicago was fucking old hat! To get to New York from Boston you have to drive through Connecticut and you would be hard-pressed to find an upper-middle-class white kid in Boston who hadn’t been to New York by the time they were fifteen, and Boston fucking HATES the Yankees!
          Maybe it’s because the Baby-Sitters Club was during the 80s, when New York was terrifying? But that doesn’t explain Coyote Ugly!
          So my question for the East Coasters is, hey, what’s up with New York? Do you go there or what? (Two questions.)

        • All I can say with authority is that people get VERY confused when you say you’re from New York and 1) mean the state, and 2) explain that no, you don’t visit the city constantly, because it’s a six hour drive and I already live in a city and have I mentioned that it’s an entire state. And not even one of the small ones!

        • flanny says:

          If you’ll remember, my aunt lives in the same city as you, and when I was little I felt very worldly because I had to specificy that I was visiting New York STATE and not New York CITY.

        • That’s right! I did not remember! I hope she’s enjoying the weather today, because it’s gorgeous out.

        • hotspur says:

          I could spend a lifetime answering this question. A lot of bros and gals who visit the city to get drunk or see bands are generally considered “the Bridge & Tunnel crowd”; there is hardly a more cutting insult than to call someone B&T. They are a little too loud and dressed a little out of style and they go to out-of-style bars and don’t realize it. I think mainly it means people very impressed with themselves that they come to The City.

          To say someone is “Jersey” specifically is not as condemning as B&T. It does mean they are not quite New Yorkers, in the sense that someone who grew up in Manhattan is. A bit naive, perhaps — definitely you are calling them out as being not as cool and city as they think they are. You could nickname a girl “Jersey” to flirt with her. Later, if you want to break up with her, you could use it as your lame excuse. “She’s too Jersey.”

          New Jersey is a wonderful and diverse state. Its beaches are national treasure, its farmland is an idyllic ideal, every tenth building was once home to George Washington, its pine barrens are haunted, its biggest cities are not all hard-luck gritty-murder nightmares, and Bruce Springsteen is a future Nobel Laureate. You should be so lucky as to be called “Jersey.”

        • flanny says:

          Ah, gotcha. So it’s less of an idenitifying “You’re not good enough for us to get to know” type of nickname and more of a teasing “You’re alright, kiddo” nickname in this case.

        • hotspur says:

          Oh, second question — some people go there all the time and some people almost never. It’s weird. My parents were born there, and my mom lived there in 1965-67 or so; but even so, in the first 30 years of my life I think they went six times (three of those for funerals). By the time I was 18 I’d probably been 15+ times? And then another 10 by the time I was 21? And then I worked/semi-lived there. But a friend of mine went maybe twice before turning 18. “Who would go there?? It smells like urine!” was her whole take on the Capital of the World 35 miles away. I bet to this day she has been <10 times.

        • flanny says:

          I guess what is especially confusing is that Mary Anne from the Baby-Sitters Club wanted to go to New York SO BAD that she had guidebooks. But then on the other hand, her father was extremely strict. Man, those books were so complex!

  4. The blob and I might get to know each other after it pulls me under.

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