It’s time for voting to begin! I’ve recalibrated the brackets a bit since both play-in polls ended in ties I didn’t feel qualified to break myself. So welcome to the party Samantha Stevens, Santanico Pandemonium, Ethan Chandler and Scott Howard!
Brace yourselves, because below the cut there are sixteen polls to vote in!
Buffy Summers (1) vs. Sabrina Spellman (16)
We kick off the Ladies Bracket with two blonde teenagers from 90s television. Aside from that, they have very little in common. On the one hand we have Buffy who stood against vampires, demons and the forces of darkness while wearing a staggering array of miniskirts, leather pants and chunky boots.
Then we have Sabrina, who spent high school mainly casting memory spells on her hapless boyfriend Harvey and trading barbs with everybody’s favorite anamatronic cat.
Nancy Downs (9) vs. Sookie Stackhouse (8)
The Craft is a movie that I am embarrassed to say I didn’t see until just last year. If you prefer your teenage witches a little more on the evil side you can’t really do better than Nancy Downs.
Sure, maybe the whole “Sookie is secretly a fairy” plotline was exceedingly lame, but Ms. Stackhouse was hot enough that the likes of high-seeded Gentlemen Bracket contenders Eric Northman and Alcide Herveaux were constantly battling for her affections.
Beth Slocum (5) vs. Santanico Pandemonium (12)
Zombies are sort of the final frontier of the “monsters are actually sexy and relatable” movement, so I was a bit surprised that both brackets ended up with a zombie competitor! But how could I not include Beth, title character of Life After Beth? Bitch is played by Aubrey Plaza, need I say more?
I was not familiar with Santanico Pandemonium before she was nominated for the play-in round, but upon looking her up and seeing she was played by Salma Hayek I understood immediately.
Samantha Stevens (13) vs. Katherine Pierce (4)
Samantha very nearly toppled Santanico in the poll which makes sense. Only a truly lovely lady of grace and class could pull off a nose twitch without looking like an idiot.
I originally entered Nina Dobrev’s character from The Vampire Diaries as Elena Gilbert, before being gently reminded that Katherine Pierce is the superior Petrova Doppleganger and should be included in her place (if you don’t know what I’m talking about please just go watch the damn show already, it’s so good!).
Eve (3) vs. Jessica Hamby (14)
I haven’t seen Only Lovers Left Alive because I am a dummy, but all I really needed to know about it to include Eve in this tournament is that she is a vampire played by Tilda Swinton.
Jessica started off as an annoying teen vampire on True Blood but really came into her own as a Taylor Swift-loving, red cape-wearing, Jason Stackhouse-fucking babe as time went by.
Hayley Marshall (11) vs. Bella Swan (6)
The biggest thing I learned while setting up this tournament is that there are comparatively very few female werewolves in the modern pantheon of sexy supernatural characters. Hayley, who started out making Caroline jealous on The Vampire Diaries only to become a main character on The Originals, is a rare exception.
Listen, Twilight suuuuucks. I know this, you know this, we can all know it together. But I love Kristen Stewart very very much even if Bella is not her best look.
Willow Rosenberg (7) vs. Bonnie Bennett (10)
This is an interesting matchup because we have two different teen witches, one of whom started off as an awesome character who got shittier as her show went on, and the other who started off as the wooooorst and slowly became awesome as the seasons wore on. The former is Willow Rosenberg, who got addicted to magic in one of the dumber Buffy storylines, but was still cute as a button even as she became evil and tried to end the world.
I spent the first few seasons of The Vampire Diaries wishing Bonnie would get killed off because she was such a killjoy, so imagine my surprise when she became one of my favorite characters over the last few seasons! And Kat Graham is a stone fox.
Bo Dennis (15) vs. Vanessa Ives (2)
Lost Girl is a show I watched one season of and always meant to finish because it’s if not the best show to binge on Netflix at least a very decent choice. The main character, Bo, is a sexy bisexual succubus and if that doesn’t intrigue you I don’t know what else to say.
I am only six episodes into Penny Dreadful but one of the main reasons I wanted to start watching it is that I love Eva Green. It’s a little weird for me to talk about her hotness because she looks eerily like my younger sister, but I will say Vanessa is probably the highlight of the show so far!
Eric Northman (1) vs. R (16)
The one constant in True Blood was that, no matter how awful the show got, Eric was always around being incredibly hot and often naked. Alexander Skarsgard was truly doing the lord’s work.
R is apparently the name of Nicholas Hoult’s character in Warm Bodies, and he is the male counterpart to Aubrey Plaza’s sexy zombie from Life After Beth. I have not seen Warm Bodies and I have a difficult time forgetting that Mr. Hoult is Marcus from About a Boy, but hey, he was hot enough to date Jennifer Lawrence!
Ethan Chandler (9) vs. Angel (8)
I had to mildly spoil Penny Dreadful for myself to verify that Ethan Chandler qualified for inclusion, which shows the sacrifices I am willing to make for you all! Just kidding, I already suspected the truth so I was just pleased to be proved right. So who knew that Josh Hartnett would make a heartthrob comeback by appearing on a show where he Does It with both Rose Tyler from Doctor Who and Dorian Gray? I’m enjoying it.
I find Angel deeply boring as a character and David Boreanaz deeply silly-looking as a human but I know he is generally considered to be dreamy so here he is. Vote for him if you want!
Spike (5) vs. Mason Lockwood (12)
Spike is problematic as a love interest, but at least he is actually hot. It’s hard to look attractive with hair that looks like it’s coated in Elmer’s Glue, but a pair of formidable cheekbones and a fake British accent will do it.
Mason Lockwood only appeared briefly on The Vampire Diaries as the werewolf uncle of douchey Tyler who ultimately gets his heart literally ripped out of his body before briefly returning to the show as a ghost, but he’s played by Taylor Kinney who is a babe.
Chase Collins (13) vs. Damon Salvatore (4)
Chase Collins is in this tournament by the grace of msmessica, who introduced us all to terrible teen-boy-witch movie The Covenant. Chase, played by Sebastian Stan, is the most evil and most homoerotic of the witches and for that we salute him.
I apologize if you’re wondering why Stefan Salvatore isn’t in this poll, but I decided that I couldn’t include two pairs of brothers all from the same show (see also: Klaus not making the final cut). Damon is clearly the superior Salvatore brother in terms of hotness and being-interesting-as-a-character-ness.
Alcide Herveaux (3) vs. Elijah Mikaelson (14)
Just think, if Joe Manganiello hadn’t landed the role of Alcide on True Blood he probably never would have ended up being cast in Magic Mike. Which is a horrible thought! When I think about Alcide, I always remember a night drunkenly watching True Blood with my former roommate who responded to the character telling Sookie to keep in touch by yelling “I WANNA KEEP IN ALL THE TOUCHINS!” at the screen. He just inspires that kind of gibberish in people.
Season two of The Vampire Diaries was the best and a large part of that is because it introduced Elijah. Talk about Klaus all you want but Elijah is the sexier original vampire in my opinion. I mean, Katherine Pierce herself fell in love with him!
George (11) vs. Derek Hale (6)
Russell Tovey is a babe. I haven’t seen Being Human, in which he plays a werewolf, but presumably he looks like Russell Tovey so he has earned inclusion in this tournament based on that alone.
Teen Wolf is another show I haven’t seen, but I looked at a bunch of photos of Tyler Hoechlin when running the previous Tournament of Hotties so I know that he is a hot-looking dude.
Edward Cullen (7) vs. Scott Howard (10)
If it helps you to pretend that you’re voting for Cedric Diggory instead of Edward Cullen I fully support that. I probably would have included Cedric in the tournament instead of Edward except I made the executive decision not to include Harry Potter characters because we saw most of them as children and it seemed creepy.
I was surprised to see Scott Howard of Teen Wolf (the movie) tie with Ethan Chandler in the play-in poll. Who knew you guys were so thirsty for Michael J. Fox?
Pogue Parry (15) vs. Adam (2)
Pogue is another man-witch from The Covenant. He is played by Taylor Kitsch. So just imagine Tim Riggins casting spells instead of throwing footballs!
I don’t really know where we as a blog stand on Tom Hiddleston these days because he didn’t make it very far in the last tournament and then there was that whole Taylor Swift situation. But I seeded him at #2 for playing Tilda Swinton’s vampire BF in Only Lovers Left Alive.
Polls will close whenever I feel like checking them, so vote early!