Wow, you guys, crazy big celeb news here. After years of breaking up with women for their more attractive friends, auctioning himself off at sorority parties, and making bad music (unrelated), Aaron Carter is finally ready to settle down. And I think all you romantics will be pleased to know that the lucky (whatever) lady is none other than his original crush, Hilary Hillary Duff Clinton.
Hey, look, I get it, politics are a touchy subject and nobody wants to buzzkill this funtrain by talking about “money” and “war” and “human rights.” Aaron understands that as well as anyone. So rest assured he wouldn’t interrupt our funky good times (and his tour, the tour is very important, ticket sales = cash dollars = a time machine?, I assume?, to better times when he was kinda almost famous?) without an informed and considered endorsement. Haha whoops nope this:
Well, ok, even again setting aside the indiscriminate capitalization, there’s still a lot to worry about here, regardless of your political persuasion. I’m willing to agree that America needs a leader, not a FOLLOWSer, but it seems like Aaron Carter maybe thinks the Federal Elections Commission counts votes on Twitter? Which it does not. (It actually doesn’t count votes at all, but in lieu of naming all fifty states’ election apparatuses let’s just go with it.) You have to comply with some fairly specific requirements if you want your voice heard in a presidential election. Like for instance you have to register, (you should! it’s easy!), and the polling places are open for one day only though many states allow for early voting. Woke citizens of Homeless Monsters: I’m sure you’ve figured this out already but you can’t just declare your vote online.
Aaron later defended his endorsement in the sharpest terms possible:
All right but so anyway, that lasted about two months, until:
Which, I mean, ultimately who gives a hoot? You don’t care about this doofus’ allegiances, and neither do I. Maybe, at most, we can all use the comments section to have some fun guessing at the Too many reasons Aaron Carter withdrew his support from the candidate he’d already Twitter-voted for, (has not supported tax breaks for hair-bleaching businesses, unwilling to commit either way on the important issue of how big brothers are so annoying but also they’re the only reason I’m famous so uggh, gropes too many women outside of sorority houses?), and that’ll be all we ever have to think about his politics. But in the meantime, we live in a pluralist society, and for those among us who still believe in this wild American experiment called “democracy,” one failed musician’s vote is just as important as any other’s.
Or maybe, in this case, even more so. Just today I was perusing some campaign websites, and look who’s using Aaron’s former endorsement to her political advantage: hint, it’s Hillary!, who joked that Aaron’s is one of the three most disqualifying endorsements Donald Trump has received. Plus, he was born in Florida. It’s a pretty swingy state, so every vote counts, and if Aaron’s stuffing a Tampa Bay ballot box come November 8th, who knows, maybe he could tilt the election.
And if you’re at all worried he might tip it the wrong direction, well, I don’t support all of what Aaron Carter does, but 100% of me agrees with voting so FUCK OFF to the polls. Please do vote.