Wondering what’s in the stars for you in the afterlife? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanospooks. They’re like horoscopes, but they tell you what adventure you went on when you went to the Halloween party pictured below in a past life!
Aries: March 21-April 19
It was an unseasonably hot October, and you thought you knew the way to the place where the party was held, but you didn’t. So by the time you showed up two hours late, all your makeup had melted off your face, and all the other party-goers were so sloshed they’d lost their social inhibitions and kept asking you “Are you okay? Have you been crying?” Or just blatantly told you that you looked horrible. Not a good night.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You had your eyes pecked out by a rabid goose that snuck into the bathroom through an open window in the shower and attacked you while you were peeing. I know you’re going to say that only mammals can get rabies, but it’s Halloween! Anything can happen!
Gemini: May 21-June 20
In a moment of weakness you snuck a peek up the skirt of a girl dressed as Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, but she felt the draft and smacked you in the face. You deserved it and also SHE’S A FULL GROWN WOMAN NOT A GIRL TREAT HER WITH RESPECT!!!
Cancer: June 21-July 22
You left early because you decided there were too many people dressed as fucking clowns.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Unbeknownst to you, your ex-girlfriend was also invited to the party and she arrived with her hot and sexy new lover. But because you are a Leo, you didn’t hide away in the kitchen, shamefully eating away the sorrow that comes with singledom. No, you took the chance to be daring and got shit-faced drunk until you had the bravery to yell some mumbo-jumbo at her and then projectile vomited on a poor ballerina who was unforntunately standing next to her minding her own business.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
You grabbed a couple of friends, and snunk into the off-limits attic where you found an old mummy’s sarcophagus. When you shoved Alan in the sarcophagus, you discovered that it was not just a receptical for the royal dead, but also a time portal. You still don’t know where/when Alan went. Ugg, he was so cute too. So nice to look at, and now you’ll never look at him again. Or will you????!??!?!??!?!?
Libra: September 23-October 22
Just like a libra, you spent the whole party sitting in a mostly-empty room making unblinking eye contact with the cat. It now owns your soul.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
You fell for that classic gag of trying to pick up a coin that had been glued to the floor. The joke is extra on you, however, because you were followed home by the ghost of the horse that died to make that glue. And you live on the second floor and as we discussed earlier, horses (and ghost horses) cannot go down stairs!!
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
At first you really got into the spirit of the party by participating in that game where you try to eat a donut that’s hanging from a string. But you were the only one who got a powdered sugar donut and you weren’t very good at the game, so then you had powdered sugar all over. Before you could run to the bathroom to tidy up, the grown-ass woman you would love to love baby saw you and assumed you’d just been snorting cocaine. She doesn’t like drugs, so she wrote you off. But also she seems kind of like a stick-in-the-mud, so good riddence.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
You made out with a ghost in the middle of the dance floor and it was so legendary the story flowed through the generations, murmuring through elementary and middle school hallways, until it found its way into the permanent fabric of our culture as the climactic scene in the 1995 blockbuster megahit Casper staring Bill Pullman himself.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
You made out with a jack-o-lantern. Thank god there was no candle in it at the time!
Pisces: February 19-March 20
You left early because you are a werewolf and you don’t like eating your friends.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*