I was about 5 seconds away from posting that this was yet another humdrum awards show with Hollywood’s year-long auto-erotic celebration coming to a climax, but HOT DAMN THAT HAPPENED. Moonlight won best picture of the year in what was not only a major upset, but a chaotic orgy of mismatched envelopes, unnecessary speeches, and tears for various reasons. A Benghazi-level investigation will be launched to figure out who’s fault it is. Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway? Host Jimmy Kimmel? PWC? Leonardo DiCaprio? We may never know the truth (that’s a lie, it’ll probably be solved by the time this is posted). In a night where Hollywood was supposed to make headlines for shit-talking our psychotic jar of marmalade-in-chief, it will now forever be known as the greatest fuck-up in awards history. He’s probably giddy like a pig in shit seeing these liberals screw the pooch, but I’ll live with it. It made for an exciting moment.
So, what else happened? Jimmy Kimmel treated us with a series of safe jokes, bits imported from his talk show, giving the audience type 2 diabetes, and a massive prank where people got to see celebrities (the horror!) The acceptance speeches were (with one notable exception) fairly tame. Many, if not all of the winners, were expected, and said what you thought they’d say (AGAIN, with one notable exception). Walmart made movies our of a receipt. Cadillac and Google are responsible for saving humanity. But really, who gives a shit? Last night’s Best Picture presentation is what live television events need to be worth watching. For fuck’s sake, I’m watching E! for live takes on the moment. I haven’t watched E! in like 8 years. This is good stuff.
In closing, Suicide Squad is an Oscar-winning film.