How Was Your Weekend?

Mine was TOO HOT. Summer is finally and unfortunately upon us. I did nothing because heat turns me into a delicate old-timey invalid who reclines on fainting couches and fans myself in despair.


About Theresa Couchman

Theresa Couchman was born in Upstate New York, went to school in Upstate New York, and currently resides in Upstate New York. She has a pair of impractical Master's Degrees and a taste for the pointlessly weird, and is occasionally funny on Twitter.
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30 Responses to How Was Your Weekend?

  1. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    I modified my to do list, removing exercising and cleaning the bathroom because I was just not up for either task this weekend. I did get a decent amount of stuff done around the house and for work.

    I also met my family at the restaurant that has the best chocolate cake! We go there a lot.

  2. Sergeant Tibbs says:

    It’s too hot here! I try to be a good person every day and not use the AC but I fail every day. I’m single-handedly leading the pack in global warming, I’m pretty sure!

    Also, I decided to take a week of manual transmission driving lessons. It’s something I’d been wanting to do for years but I finally started last week because I’m learning the local language here and I figured I’d learn the language and the driving faster under pressure. Kill two birds with one stone. When a bus slams on its brakes and your teacher’s yelling words at you that you don’t immediately understand, your brain figures out what it’s supposed to do very quickly. It has been the best though! I basically learned that the key to driving in India is to forget all of your road rules, keep one hand constantly on the horn, and never brake. Ever. Never brake, always overtake!

    This morning though, we did figure eights on a dirt road and I went around cutting circles for about 5 minutes before I explained that I’d been driving for a decade and I was pretty expert at turning the wheel at this point. I just need to know how to start the car on a hill and I’ll be ready to steal any car my heart desires.

    • martinmegz says:

      Here’s my tip for manual transmission when parked or stopped facing up hill: Use the handbrake while you ease one foot off the clutch and one onto the gas to avoid rolling backwards.

      • Sergeant Tibbs says:

        Thanks! I had heard about using the handbrake before and tried to ask my teacher about it but something was definitely lost in translation. I guess I’ll have to steal a car now rather than later and practice it on my own.

    • hotspur says:

      I wish I had time to photoshop the Rosetta logo onto a race car doing something obviously dangerous with Babar at the wheel.

  3. FRQ says:

    It was pretty good. The music festival on Saturday was great, and I followed through on my promise to do pretty much nothing the rest of the weekend. Highlights included finishing Kimmy Schmidt, playing video games, setting up my new phone, and napping. As for Friday, I ended up getting a haircut after work, and told the hair stylist about my predicament. Her advice was basically:

    So I ended up going to the event, it was totally worth it.

  4. catweazle says:

    I mentioned last week that on Friday I found out insurance isn’t going to cover my breast reduction. Just found out that if I decide to do it without insurance it’s going to cost $10,000. I have enough for it in savings, but that money is earmarked for a downpayment on a house so I am having a serious quandary. Part of me wants to set up a GoFundMe but the other part says that if I have enough money for it that would be wrong. I HATE INSURANCE!

    The weekend was only downhill from there. I decided to drop by my downstairs neighbor’s place to tell him I was having a birthday thing and there might be noise and not only did he not even give me an obligatory “happy birthday” but he also asked if I could wrap things up by 11 because his girlfriend had to work the next morning. FUCK YOURSELF, DUDE. P.S. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. But then it was all for nothing because only two people showed up to my “party” which was awkward and embarrassing. My two best friends both RSVP’d yes but both flaked. One of my sisters is in Europe but the other skipped it so she could go to her husband’s concert which I am PISSED OFF at her for. So instead of having a fun drunk game night and then doing karaoke, I sat there with two people I like a lot but generally only see once or twice a year and we watched The Craft and didn’t even get drunk.

    Saturday I went to class and once again 80% of my classmates had completely forgotten to play every song we’ve learned so far and I had to sit there spacing out while the guitarists re-learned all of the chord progressions. We’ve only learned four songs and the teach was saying he thought we only had time left in the session to do one more and he was thinking of cutting the ONE SONG that I asked to do and for which I already learned a complicated piano song. I’m hoping to convince him to keep it but honestly I kind of want my money back at this point.

    After class I decided to go see Wonder Woman, but it was sold out.

    Yesterday I mostly just played Zelda but I felt like shit all day and it was not as enjoyable as usual.

    And this morning I pulled back my shower curtain to find that there were several living spiders, a living beetle, and a large centipede corpse in my tub.

    tl;dr I think a witch has placed a curse on me.

      • hotspur says:

        I am reading this like stage direction, like you delivered your initial comment as a monologue and then sat down and banged out a piano solo to express it musically. Beautiful.

        Flakers are the worst, but I thought it was a California thing! Shortly after I moved here in 1855, my roommates and I won a ham (you could win a ham back then) so we decided to host a giant dinner party. We got like 22 RSVPs yes, and purchased enough food and paper plates to handle it, and borrowed chairs etc etc — and then half of the guests just didn’t show. Half! Oof. We were all totally broke too, like unemployed/minimum-wage-level broke, so buying that feast was a big deal and it made us double-broke fer nuthin. A couple people called the next day and said, “Sorry. I flaked.” One friend who did show said, “Ha, welcome to LA, the only town in the world where ‘Sorry, I flaked’ is considered a valid excuse.” But I guess now it’s valid in Chicago. Woohoo, the infection is spreading!

        It pales in comparison though to the two girls I semi-knew that same year who rented a whole bar/club to throw their joint B-day party and invited 85 people and not one person showed up. I glimpsed a photo of the two on their expensive dance floor, alone and wasted, and the memory of that still fills me with terror at the emptiness of this world.

        Happy birthday catweazle, belated!

        • catweazle says:

          Well now I feel a little better that I had two whole guests! One of the flakes didn’t show up because she had just returned from a work trip that evening so I don’t blame her for not coming, just wish she would have let me know. The other waited until the last minute to tell me she had to go to something for work. This is the same friend who flaked on watching Drag Race with me for half the season until finally saying she’s too mired in personal shit to hang out, so I was surprised that she RSVP’d yes in the first place. I’m beginning to think I need more friends.

    • flanny says:

      I thought of you this morning because there was a spider hanging out on the wall of my shower, but I was too tired to kill it. But after I opened my eyes after shampooing, it was gone! WHERE DID IT GO?

    • Is the reduction a flat-out non-covered procedure with your insurance, or are they not covering it for a specific reason? Because if it’s the latter and your doctor is cool and will work with you, definitely fight it. Insurances deny a lot of stuff upfront but they can often be harassed into giving approval with more documentation of medical need.

      • catweazle says:

        It’s a coverage exclusion, and according to the surgeon’s office there’s no appeal allowed. This is not the first time that having Cigna insurance has screwed me over. My benefits at work are generally good but why do they have to use the shittiest of all insurance companies? I’ve been doing some googling and apparently Cigna is notorious for denying breast reduction coverage.

      • martinmegz says:

        Yes! Fight it! I’d even consult a lawyer.

    • catweazle says:

      Update: I just left a message with the surgeon’s office that I want to have the surgery anyway. Not going to be able to afford a house until I’m 50 at this rate but I just can’t take it anymore. Send prayers to the dark lord for me.

    • FRQ says:

      I’m sorry about your surgery. I’m going though a similar situation with my sleep apnea. My doctor is recommending I get this dental device, which costs thousands of dollars, and isn’t covered. I’ve already tried 4 other apnea solutions, and none of them have worked, and now I have to drop a shitload of money that in all likelihood have the same result? Fuck that.

      • catweazle says:

        Let’s team up and burn our insurance companies to the ground!

        • hotspur says:

          Burn my dental insurance company to the ground, too! I just got a root canal that cost me $1,800 after insurance. (Metlife. DM me for their address.)

    • mikaelajm says:

      1) ugh, I’m sorry about the curse.
      2) homeownership is DEFINITELY overrated
      3) I’m amazed at how much money you’ve managed to save!! you’re my new grown-up heroine
      4) happy belated birthday!!!!

      • catweazle says:

        The secret to my “success” is that I went to a college I hated for four years but had a full scholarship for so I only had $1,500 in debt when I graduated.

  5. flanny says:

    I ran my 5K on Saturday, and it went okay. I was exactly a minute slower than I was at the last 5K I did back in July.. I’m going to blame it on the fact that there were hills, one at the very middle of the route and one literally at the very end. And I haven’t been doing hills in my training, so that was pretty brutal. My calves are aching still and so I have to go up and down stairs all bow-legged. The good news was that the run was sponsored by Kellogg’s, so at the end of the race were free Rice Krispie Treats and Pop-Tarts, and I got a cool-ass shirt with Tony the Tiger on it!

  6. hotspur says:

    I bought the couch I was gonna buy. It gets delivered in a range of dates around the 4th of July, when I might be camping in a forest, so I hope they ask for my input about which actual day. Anyway, it was some dollars, but not very expensive when you consider how couches in general are mondo pricey. I got a good deal! And it’s super nice. Now I just have to never spill anything ever. I am pretty excited about my prospects in that area and about resembling a real adult with a job instead of a 12-year-old with a secret clubhouse.

    The couch it replaces is a microfiber scenario from China that I bought in 2006. The cushions won’t go back into the proper shape anymore, and for several years I have draped a Mexican blanket across the back to hide this fact, but there has been no hiding the discoloration of the arms. You know how a fox has black feet? Picture that but the arms. And lately it not only looks ratty, it is no longer comfortable. Like, you cannot fall asleep on this couch in 2017, not without hurting yourself. Of course, it owes me nothing — I’m not complaining, as I bought it brand-new two presidents ago for $200, which is a story, but the short version is, what a steal.

    I should probably launch a whole website just to talk about couches I’ve owned. (Probably.) There was a green one in college that was about nine feet long that remains, in some ways, the all-time champion: I bought that one on a sidewalk for $40 and got help toting it home junior year and my two roommates said “No way, that is the ugliest, you CANNOT put that in here.” I said, “I know, but hear me out. Sit on it for three minutes before you decide.” They sat, and their faces lit up. Yes, that couch stayed, and it became a legend. A legend at being comfortable. No doubt you all have heard tell of The Green Machine; well that couch was mine, and the legends speak true.

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