Unnecessary Movie Assignment #20

Back by popular demand! Which is to say that one person last week said something mildly encouraging about Unnecessary Movie Reviews. I know so little about popularity that as far as I know, this is what it feels like! What an exciting time.

Yes, this is the 20th assignment, even though there’ve been 25+ movies, because the Unnecessary Streams don’t count and all the movies in #19, the Dracula franchise, count as one assignment. Oh man, do I need a break from Draculas.

Today, for #20, we’re not going to play a game. Unless voting is a game! An overwhelming minority of people seem to think it is.

Here’s the deal. I have selected two recently acquired movies, plus two I’ve had on the shelf a while, and by popular acclaim you guys will decide which one I watch. No haiku or knock-knock joke required, as it has been more than a year since we’ve done this. We need to ease back in. And as everyone knows, the best way to immerse yourself in slightly chilly water is to wade out inch by inch, suffering incrementally over the course of many minutes, while your friends who simply jumped in (the fools!) yell at you and roll their eyes. Our candidates:

Earth Vs The Flying Saucers (1956). I have been aware of this movie since kindergarten. It is embarrassing that I have never seen it. I feel certain—have always felt certain—it is destined to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Vote for this if you love epic disappointment!

Kick-Ass 2 (2013). I didn’t buy this. Last week I bought a used copy of Kick-Ass 1, and it turns out whoever sold that to the store jammed their copy of Kick-Ass 2 into the case as a secret freebie. No clearer message of “This is so terrible I need to get it the hell out of my house” has ever been sent.  Make your vote count by choosing this, where “counting” means “longing to witness something that’s so bad, it was both free and unannounced.”

Evil Eye (1963). I have a weak spot for giallo, aka pulpy Italian murder thrillers. They look great and make little sense. Plus this one stars John Saxon, so it would extend the run of our John Saxon Film Festival. Remember how much you loved that? Vote Evil Eye if you need budget-conscious tips on how to make your next murder more photogenic for your Instagram.

Bad Teacher (2011). I heard it was funny, but that’s all I know. There is no way of telling what this film is even about. Based on the title and cover art, I believe it delves into the struggle to unionize garment workers in the wake of the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. Hands-down this gets your vote if you love to laugh!

Orrr Movie #114 (1920-2017??). Do you love surprises? Then choose this. The problem with surprises, though, is that some are nice (“Oh, a present, for me, on a seemingly ordinary day??”) and some are not (“Ahh! A spider! In my mouth!!”). No one can guess which type this one is until after the vote, when I’ll look at the numbered list to see what movie 114 is. What a roll of the dice of life, if you choose this, you lunatics.

Now, click Data to vote:

 

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About hotspur

hotspur is the videogum name of Luke Rooney, who usually makes the Kessel Run in 17 or 18 parsecs because, like, what is the rush? We will get to Kessel when we get to Kessel, just sit down and enjoy the run for chrissakes.
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10 Responses to Unnecessary Movie Assignment #20

  1. hotspur says:

    I forgot to say what to do in the comments. The voting is secret, just like voting in America — but why not tell us what you voted for? Or, if you can’t bring yourself to do that, tell us some other secret you’ve kept your whole life.

    Or post an animal jpg. THE CHOICE IS YOURS AND IT’S CALLED DEMOCRACY.

  2. taoreader says:

    Well of course I’m going to vote for anything with flying saucers, come on! But the surprise was awfully tempting.

  3. flanny says:

    I went for Flying Saucers because when I looked really quick at first, I thought the word “COLOR!” said “CAROL,” which is my first name.

  4. gnidrah says:

    I always thought Bad Teacher looked like a good day of storywriting at the Daily Mail, so I’ve avoided it on that basis, and I think you should too.

    (Can’t bring myself to link to the Mail, but here’s my favourite latest ‘teacher sacked for…’ story:

    http://metro.co.uk/2017/06/07/teacher-sacked-for-running-secret-wrestling-sessions-with-students-6691513/ )

    • taoreader says:

      That story is just weird. Secret wrestling sessions? To settle what conflict exactly?

  5. martinmegz says:

    Ooh! I’m excited. I voted for French Toast! My jpg might be giant but I think it will be worth it.

  6. hotspur says:

    The results are in, and turns out you guys hate surprises! And heroes. And Italy? But an overwhelming minority of you love flying saucers, so that’s what we’ll do.

    Sorry, Bad Teacher, you tried, but gnidrah sent you straight to jail. Which reminds me, when will I get to this? I’m in jail myself. A jail of chores. When will I tunnel out of those chores and emerge, frightened and bearing homemade weapons, into movie-reviewing freedom? All I can promise is, “Probably July.”

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