This Weekend’s Flanospooks

Flanospooks are back and WordPress looks different from last time I used it so let’s see how they work out!

It’s been a while, so as a reminder Flanospooks are like Flanoscopes which are like horoscopes except they’re spooky and tell you the least spooky thing that will happen to you this month. Everything else that happens is going to be even spookier than this one thing, so get ready!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your phone will ring and before you see her name on caller ID you’ll know it’s your great-aunt Elizabeth who has been dead for six weeks! Spooky 4 sho.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A small child will stare at you, unblinking, for twenty minutes on the subway. If you don’t live in a city with a subway, how the heck did you end up there? Pretty spooky.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Fruit fly infestation! Not too spooky. Mostly just annoying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A crow will land in front of you while you’re on a walk and you’ll swear it coos out your name before taking flight again. The spookiest part? You’ll just be walking in your hallway to the bathroom! Close your windows! You’re letting in the spookiness!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’ll recieve two Ikea catalogues in the mail, one addressed to you like normal, and one addressed to a common misspelling of your name. Not spooky.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’ll get locked in a Victorian library overnight. Yes, very spooky!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You’ll be possessed by a demon spirit for only about fifteen minutes. THAT’S THE LEAST SPOOKY THING! CHRIST! What a terrible month you’ll have. Bummer.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your chicken will still be pink in the center so Padma won’t even eat it and you’ll be sent home on the second episode. Not spooky. It’s an honor to even be on the show, frankly.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
It’ll be very, very cloudy at 1:30pm, so cloudy it’ll be dark as midnight in the daytime. Yikes. Spooky indeed!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A bunch of books fall suddenly off your bookshelf and it’s very spooky until your cat pokes her little head out of the darkness of the shelf. Hahaha, just the cat. Not spooky. Until you realize she’s holding a human tumb in her mouth. WTF???

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
You’ll be in CVS to pick up a prescription (for a rash), and you’ll turn down a random aisle and be confronted with row after row of Elf on the Shelfs. Welcome to the terrordome, Aq.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Even though you keep throwing away your Ouija board, you keep finding it back in your house. In the closet stacked between Sorry and Life. In the cereal cupboard. And finally tucked inside your pillowcacse one morning when you wake up. Not cool, Ouija.

See you next wEeEeEeEeK!

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About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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10 Responses to This Weekend’s Flanospooks

  1. mordonez says:

    Today i am very happy to be on the Sagittarius side of the cusp because I would be MORTIFIED to serve under-cooked chicken to Padma, just MORTIFIED.

  2. gnidrah says:

    Taurus bang-on, as ever.

  3. Tracey says:

    I can’t wait for my two Ikea catalogues to arrive! One to cut out stuff for a vision board, and one to save.

  4. hotspur says:

    1:30 draws nigh… although, I’m looking forward to finding out who my fellow Sagittariuses are! Assuming other signs don’t see the clouds, because it’s not in their stars.

    ME: Ohhh this is so freaky. This is bad.

    SOME OTHER PERSON I DIDN’T KNOW WAS SAGITTARIUS: Right?? This is Satan’s work.

    RANDO GEMINI STANDING NEXT TO US: What are you guys talking about? [applies sunscreen]

  5. taoreader says:

    I don’t have a dead Aunt Elizabeth, but I do have a dead grandmother Elizabeth, and it would be just like her to call me up just to scare the shit out of me.

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