Unnecessary Movie Assignment #21

Yikes, we’re already halfway through the official Month of Scares®. How did that happen? Quick—we have to watch a scary movie. And we might as well review it for this blog.

But which horror movie to watch?  It will be hard to choose if we consider all of movie history, as there are 20+ options.  Let’s narrow it down to the four best:

That was easy. All great films, obviously. But now, how do we choose one?  Voting?  Not today, friendo.  Today, we choose with a game!  And it’s a game both easy and fun to master, like chess or lacrosse:

Imagine you have been given control of an independent theater in a medium-sized city in the region of your choice and are charged with programming its all-night movie fest for Halloween.  What movies do you show?  You’ll need at least three!  Make it a night to remember. Put our butts in the seats. Amaze the world!  Or at least amaze the medium city (less pressure).

For example, here’s what my theater, the CineFart Odius, is showing:

  • President Satan (2017)
  • Downton Abbey 5: The Axe of Pumpkinhead (2012)
  • Cobbler 2: Weasel’s Revenge: Pop! Goes the Cobbler (1988; feat. Ernest Borgnine)
  • The Scent That Lingered Hideously (1974)
  • It Dwelt in a Cave (1958)

If your festival is the one I’d go see, I will watch your DVD choice! (Don’t forget to include your DVD choice when you comment.)

And I guess I better include notes about the four DVDs in the offing, in case you are not familiar:

The Changeling (1980) is legendary for being creepy, in a psychological way. I think it’s a haunted house movie, possibly with a wheelchair? Possibly also a hearse, unless I’m thinking of The Hearse.

The Last Horror Film (1982) stars creep Joe Spinell.  He had a brief career playing very believable stalkers.  I was stalked once and will have PTSD if you make me watch this. Also I suspect it travels less a psychological, more a vats-of-blood road.

Signs (2002).  I have seen two (2) other Shyamalan movies and I will watch this one if you make me.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End is a DVD I won for placing third in pub trivia. That’s all I’ve learned about it in the years since. Has this movie’s time (2007) finally come??

Okay, let’s get on with it!  In the comments, schedule your movie festival and pick one of these four actually-filmed horror movies, and I will post a review before Halloween.

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About hotspur

hotspur is the videogum name of Luke Rooney, who usually makes the Kessel Run in 17 or 18 parsecs because, like, what is the rush? We will get to Kessel when we get to Kessel, just sit down and enjoy the run for chrissakes.
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23 Responses to Unnecessary Movie Assignment #21

  1. Scheduling A Doctor’s Appointment (2003)
    The Neighbor Who Liked Small Talk (1989)
    Bugs, In General (the 1955 classic)

    And I choose The Changeling because I’ve never heard of it and would be too scared to watch it myself.

  2. flanny says:

    I have a low scare threshold, so I would pick
    Beetlejuice
    Night of the Living Dead
    Clue
    The Others
    Ghostbusters 2, but actually just this gif over and over until I personally started crying.

    (It would take 3 minutes.)

    I choose that you watch Signs because I’ve seen it. It came out when I was on study abroad and it was one of the only two non-dubbed English-language movies that showed at the movie theater, along with the LOTR with the trees. So I saw it a lot.

    • hotspur says:

      These are all real movies I have seen, so I can judge this entry based on whether I liked them in real life. AN INTERESTING GAMBIT.

      (In case you guys are not 100% up on horror movies, Downton Abbey 5: The Axe of Pumpkinhead is not a real movie. None of my movies were real, so I thought you’d make up movies too. But go ahead and use real ones, or mix in real ones, if you like! The internet was made to break down societal/my personal expectations.)

  3. catweazle says:

    The Neverending Business Meeting
    Trapped In A Flash Mob
    Who Is That Whistling Stranger
    In Hell, The Phone Is Always Ringing

    • catweazle says:

      And I vote Signs because I saw it in high school and thought it was good but I am sure that I was wrong and want to know without having to watch it again.

      • hotspur says:

        You might win on the strength of Trapped In A Flash Mob alone. And if so, I will watch Signs with this question in mind: “But what about in high school?”

  4. mordonez says:

    Mine is mostly a horror documentary film festival, with one narrative film that could pass as documentary.

    Elementary School Band Holiday Concerts– the Out of Tune-ening
    Errol Morris presents: How Disappointing: Dads’ candid remarks about their kids’ home and auto repair abilities.
    A new concert film from Dane Cook and Daniel Tosh: [er, just fill in your own offensive title here]
    Jerry and Margo Both Think They have a Gluten Sensitivity, a Duplass Brothers film
    Voting Against my Interests; The “Workings” of the Trump Voter’s “Mind” revealed.

    no real strong opinion on your fillum, but I am curious about the Changeling. So, then, “The Changeling”.

  5. Tracey says:

    Falling for Vermont
    Autumn in the Vineyard
    October Kiss

    This is a joke entry, I endorse Flanny’s except add the first Ghostbusters because it’s so weird that Dan Aykroyd gets a blow job from a ghost and I didn’t realize it until watching the movie as an adult. I also vote for Signs because I remember liking it and I’m sure that if I watch it again I will wonder what the hell I was thinking. In my defense, I think Mel Gibson was pre-sugar tits verbal abuse at that point.

  6. nastyemu says:

    I would have a festival of horror movies that I saw before I was 10 years old. These are probably the reason I don’t seek out the genre much anymore.

    The Fly (1986) – My parents rented this and let me watch it when I was 9. That was very bad parenting.
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – I barely remember watching this, so maybe it isn’t that scary. I just remember how many references there are to it in Summer School, which was the reason I sought it out in the first place.
    A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – My best friend Jon lived across the street from me. Anytime I would leave his house after dark I would have to sprint home as fast as I could because I thought Freddy was gonna get me.

    My choice is Signs. I saw Signs in the theater when I was visiting a friend in Alabama. One of the trailers before the movie was for Sweet Home Alabama, with the adorable Reese Witherspoon. Almost everyone in the theater cheered and clapped. It was terrifying.

    • nastyemu says:

      I should probably be DQ’d for living in Providence and not picking any Lovecraft.

    • hotspur says:

      Texas Chainsaw Massacre is legit one of my favorite movies in any category, and might be the scariest movie I know of.

      Funnily enough, last week I glimpsed a TV was showing a commercial for NCSI or whatever, and Mark Harmon had white hair, and I was like: WHAT. I have not kept up with his career and in my head he is still the Mark Harmon of Summer School. Hahahaha, that one kid who asks for the bathroom pass on the first day and never comes back! Ah, Summer School, you were the best.

  7. taoreader says:

    The Blob That Slimed That Kid
    Haunted Mummy Party
    Vermont Paring-Knife Killings: This Time, It’s Burlington
    Santa Goes to Hell: The Naughty Version
    Insane Demon Chihuahua
    Nosferatu 2: in Vistavision

    Wrong Turn 2!! Dead End! Unrated!

  8. hotspur says:

    Wow, some great movies showing out there, thanks to you guys, and a few real ones! Exciting. But also, for the record — let’s get this elephant out of the room — I refuse to accept blame for any perceived lack of clarity in the game rules. They were secretly VERY clear in my imagination. Those of you who did not understand them are hereby advised to head to a theater right now and school yourself by watching the new Matt Damon thriller, Rulesmaker: Players to Blame. It’s real, don’t bother looking up showtimes first, just go.

    So who won? Tough call. Many of your movies are plain great, some would ALSO be excellent MR James short stories (Who Is That Whistling Stranger), between Tracey and taoreader there is an above-average amount of Vermont-based horror, there’s Clue (my nieces’ all-time favorite movie; they are 12 and 9), nastyemu’s impeccable taste in horror that should NOT be witnessed before age 10 — and mordonez gives us a stunning documentary extravaganza. That was a curve ball! A curve ball that beaned me right in the face! Call the hospital and tell them I’m on my way, because I never imagined a Halloween of dreadful documentaries! And the quintessential Duplass Brothers movie. I am taken. Especially by The Out of Tune-ening. Bravo, mordonez! However…

    I simply can’t stop the shudders induced by The Neighbor Who Liked Small Talk. I share a cubicle with a coworker who likes small talk, so I live this horror minute by minute, and man o man, it’s no joke. I worry I could not handle the movie. I will watch it, though, in the hope that it will grant me a little something the Greeks called catharsis. If it doesn’t, one day I might commit something the Romans called homicide. Therefore Theresa has both terrified me and given me hope, and maybe prevented a killing spree, which are the things that a horror movie should do. Or that it can do? We’ll see! (We will literally never see, this movie is fake, flanny and Tracey.) Congrats, Theresa, I will watch The Changeling, and mordonez, you came so close, I hope you take satisfaction in me watching the same movie you picked.

    • taoreader says:

      I simply can’t stop the shudders induced by The Neighbor Who Liked Small Talk.

      I get anxious just reading that movie title! Good call, hotspur.

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