This Weekend’s Flanospooks

It’s time for Flanospooks! They’re like horoscopes except they tell you what you’ll see at an abandoned K-Mart.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Two sets of queen sized sheets but in an offensively ugly pattern.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
An off-brand baby doll with the painted eyes scraped off.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A puddle of standing water that shimmers oddly in the darkness, almost as if the surface is moving. Is is responding to the tidal pull of the moon? Or is it breathing? Do not put your toe in it!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A feral cat that you will take home and who will become a valued member of your family. You’ll name him “Marty,” both in honor of the place where he was found and after Marty McFly because you love Michael J. Fox but can’t admit it to your husband because he would get jealous.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
A loose tin of fruit cocktail with an expiration date in 2009. It tasted fine. You’re fine.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Piles and piles of mice feces.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Three heretofore unopened shipping boxes of Elf on the Shelf. God, I hate those fucking things. When you turn around to leave the room, you hear a noise that almost sound like a voice. Are they talking to each other about you? Wait, did one of them just call you ugly? Those fucking things.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
While looking in the pockets of a child’s spring jacket, you find a Reece’s wrapper with “Help Me” scrawled inside in black Sharpie.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
An unshakable feeling for dread for the upcoming post-apocalyptic world.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The spectre of a young woman in a blue vest standing right where check out register #4 used to be. She stands there, as dead-eyed in the afterlife as she was when she was living, moving her empty hands back and forth and back and forth over the scanner which had long ago been carted away to the dump.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
A One Direction soft-sided lunch box. Aaah, please give it to me! You can’t find those anywhere anymore!

See you next wEeEeEeEeK!

About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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8 Responses to This Weekend’s Flanospooks

  1. taoreader says:

    Two sets of queen sized sheets but in an offensively ugly pattern.

    That’s what I see in an un-abandoned K-Mart. You mean even more offensively ugly? Like, even more giant floral prints in color combos like green and orange or turquoise and brown? WITH MATCHING BED SKIRTS? HELP ME!

    Also, have you ever worked with any Japanese form poetry? Because flanospooks work so well as a zuihitsu. You’re a poet, and you didn’t even know that was a thing you were!

    • flanny says:

      I figured since there were so many ugly sheets at a normal K-Mart the odds that they would remain on the shelves after it closed were pretty high.

      And I’ve never heard of those but honestly they sound like something I would really love! Besides the biggies mentioned on wikipedia, do you have any you recommend?

      • taoreader says:

        I did a workshop a few years ago with Kimiko Hahn, who is probably the best known poet in the States who works in Japanese form. She does a lot of zuihitsu. She has several books you can check out.

        If you google her, you’ll find lots of stuff.

    • catweazle says:

      I had turquoise and brown bedding for several years and it looked VERY NICE THANK YOU!

  2. Tracey says:

    How did you know about my disregard for expiration dates? I live my life on the edge, baby dolls.

  3. hotspur says:

    In K-Mart I already feel so much dread for the pre-apocalypse world, so, sure.

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