It’s time for Flanospooks! They’re like horoscopes except they tell you what you’ll see at an abandoned K-Mart.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Two sets of queen sized sheets but in an offensively ugly pattern.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
An off-brand baby doll with the painted eyes scraped off.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A puddle of standing water that shimmers oddly in the darkness, almost as if the surface is moving. Is is responding to the tidal pull of the moon? Or is it breathing? Do not put your toe in it!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A feral cat that you will take home and who will become a valued member of your family. You’ll name him “Marty,” both in honor of the place where he was found and after Marty McFly because you love Michael J. Fox but can’t admit it to your husband because he would get jealous.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
A loose tin of fruit cocktail with an expiration date in 2009. It tasted fine. You’re fine.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Piles and piles of mice feces.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Three heretofore unopened shipping boxes of Elf on the Shelf. God, I hate those fucking things. When you turn around to leave the room, you hear a noise that almost sound like a voice. Are they talking to each other about you? Wait, did one of them just call you ugly? Those fucking things.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
While looking in the pockets of a child’s spring jacket, you find a Reece’s wrapper with “Help Me” scrawled inside in black Sharpie.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
An unshakable feeling for dread for the upcoming post-apocalyptic world.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The spectre of a young woman in a blue vest standing right where check out register #4 used to be. She stands there, as dead-eyed in the afterlife as she was when she was living, moving her empty hands back and forth and back and forth over the scanner which had long ago been carted away to the dump.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
A One Direction soft-sided lunch box. Aaah, please give it to me! You can’t find those anywhere anymore!
See you next wEeEeEeEeK!