Let me tell you about my history with Thor. Once upon a time Thor 1 was on Netflix and I decided to watch it while drunk, and live-tweeted the experience. In the sober light of day I remembered it as a fun if incredibly silly-in-premise movie and I didn’t even let my hatred of Kenneth Branagh taint the experience. I saw Thor 2 in the theater and unlike most people I thought it was very good. Thor is an inherently silly character so the movies tend to have some good LOLs and I have also always appreciated that his beefcakiness is shown off at every opportunity (IMDB trivia tells me that somehow Thor is the only Marvel character to appear shirtless in all of his solo films!!). So anyway, I was very excited to see Thor 3 and BOY DID IT DELIVER!
I saw it two days ago and I am a little bit drunk but I really feel the need to get a recap of it out of my system.
So Thor is in jail in the Hellmouth or something and this dude who is kind of like Moloch from Buffy but made of fire rocks is like “Hey dude I am gonna stab Asgard with a sword so your whole world ends whatcha think about that?” and Thor is spinning around making sassy comments because he is suspended by a chain from the cave ceiling and in the time between the last Avengers movie and now he has become 80% more of a messy bitch who lives for drama. So anyway Thor is like “Wait so how are u going to do that” and Fire Guy is like “I will put my crown in the eternal flame” and Thor gets his magic hammer to break him out of his chains and rips the crown right off that guy’s head while a bunch of cave beasts and a cave dragon attack him while the song from the trailer plays and then he’s like “Hey Idris Elba I could use a lift back to the Rainbow Road right about now” but SURPRISE Idris Elba has been fired as keeper of the Space Master Sword and instead bald Bones from Star Trek is in charge but not paying attention because he is trying to impress some hot space ladies with some machine guns he stole from Texas so I super hate him already. Eventually one of the space ladies is like “I think Thor is trying to Skype you dude” so he puts the sword in the thing and Thor pops out and the fire dragon is following him but only its head makes it through so everybody gets soaked in dragon blood like this is that one episode of Game of Thrones or something.
Anyway Thor hasn’t been back on Asgard since Thor 2 I guess because he has been looking for Infinity Stones because that’s what the next Avengers movie is going to be about and when he gets back he finds that there’s a big statue of Tom Hiddleston and his dad is reclining on a divan and watching a play of Thor 2 in which fucking Matt Damon plays Loki and I’m like girl if you want to present yourself as a hero in this story don’t hire a dude who habitually covers up for sexual predators to play you. Also Chris Hemsworth’s IRL brother plays Thor in the play and it’s kind of freaky.
So obviously Thor is like “That’s not my dad” so he throws his hammer really far and then stands behind “dad” and is like “Reveal ur secrets or Mjolnir will Mjolsmash your face” and so he turns back into Loki and is like “FINE but as you can see everything has been great while I’ve been pretending to be our dad so fuck you!” But Thor is like “Wheretf is my actual father what did you do with him” and Loki is like “I put him in a home on earth it’s totally chill” except when they pop back down to earth the nursing home has been demolished. A couple of teen girls come running up to Thor and are like “Can we get a selfie? Also I’m soooo sorry that
Natalie Portman didn’t want to sign a new contract with Marvel Jane broke up with you” and then suddenly Loki gets sucked into a sidewalk portal #ifihadanickel
So apparently Doctor Strange has been keeping tabs on intergalactic space menaces ever since his mediocre solo movie ended so the minute Loki came to earth he put him in a wind chamber so he could have a conversation with Thor about how he needs to keep his bro in check/off earth. Throughout this whole thing Thor is dressed in “earth clothes” and has disguised his hammer as an umbrella and also Doctor Strange keeps making the scenery change around them for literally no reason other than to make himself look cool in front of a Norse god when really he should be comparing notes on what it’s like to try to pull off a red cape in the year 2017.
So basically Doctor Strange is here to make sure we remember we’re in the midst of a gigantic franchise wherein if you don’t watch every single movie you will never be able to keep up when they do the supergroup movies, and also to be an easy way for Thor and Loki to find their dad who is in Norway for some reason. Doctor Strange lets Loki out of his freefall through the void and shoves him and Thor through another portal so now they are with their dad who is staring out at the ocean and not at all surprised when his sons appear out of nowhere.
Instead of being like “Thor why do you think you’re too good to join the family business and Loki why did you steal my powers and banish me to earth and impersonate me” he is like “I’m super old now and my time has come and oops that means your secret sister Hela the god of death will be coming to fuck your shit up because I banished her before y’all were born, have fun with that” and then he dissolves into golden sparkles as though he is a regenerating Time Lord. The bros are sad for a sec but then suddenly Cate Blanchett appears in a black jumpsuit and is like “CHECK OUT MY THIGH GAP YOU PIDDLING FOOLS!” and then Thor throws Mjolnir at her but as we all saw in the trailer she catches it and shatters it and Thor is like “Fuck, but I’m still gonna fight you.” Unfortunately Loki is a coward and asks Not Idris Elba space master sword guy to get them back to Asgard EVEN THOUGH his dad explicitly said that if Cate Blanchett goes to Asgard she will get stronger and she will obviously hitch a ride on the rainbow road.
She does and Thor and Loki try to fight her in the portal but they both get thrown off into space and she goes up and basically the rest of her role in the movie up until she meets Thor again is trying to get Asgard to accept her as their new queen. She hires Not Idris Elba to be her henchman and murders all of Thor’s friends from the first two movies plus the entire Asgard police force and then turns the corpses of old soldiers into zombies like she’s the fucking Night King and also reanimates the giant dog she used to ride when she was helping her dad conquer all those other realms that Asgard is in charge of. But the people of Asgard are like “Girl you have antlers and that doesn’t seem right” so they all escape into a magic cave with Idris Elba who has been on the lam for so long that he now has very impressive dreadlocks.
Anyway, when Thor got thrown off the rainbow road he landed on a trash planet called Sakaar and a bunch of dudes who are basically jawas come up and are like “We’re gonna eat you” and throw a magic net on him, but then Tessa Thompson rolls up in her spaceship and is like HANDS OFF HE IS MINE and then uses some bracelets to control the guns on her ship and straight up murders all of them, all while so drunk that she falls off the ramp of her ship. RESPECT.
Thor is like “Thank you so much that was super cool of you” but then she plonks a tracker thing on his neck and remotely tases him and brings him to like a palace or something where he gets strapped to a chair and zoomed through a tunnel where a voice tells him how lucky he is to now be on Sakaar where he will be loved and valued as a gladiator and then he lands in a chamber full of power rangers plus Jeff Goldblum who is like the president of this planet. And Tessa Thompson AKA Valkyrie AKA my new favorite character has brought Thor here to be entered into some gladiator bullshit that Jeff Goldblum is super into. He’s like “Thanks girl” and Thor is like “I AM THOR SON OF ODIN THE GOD OF THUNDER LET ME GO” and everybody LOLs and then he notices Loki over in the corner laughing it up with some other space trash and Loki tells him that he landed on this planet weeks ago and schmoozed Jeff Goldblum enough that he just gets to hang out and party all the time and he is not interested in helping Thor out of his predicament.
Thor gets sent to some subterranean dungeon where all the fighters live and he meets a big dude made of rocks who is voiced by the director of the movie and he’s like “Welcome to this shitty place, you’re probably going to get killed by Jeff Goldblum’s champion!” and Thor is like “Nah I’m gonna beat the champion and get off this planet” and Rock Guy like “LOL sure.” So they go to an armory to pick out Thor’s weapons for his debutante battle and he sees Valkyrie nearby and is like “HEY YOU LET’S TALK” because Rock Guy mentioned earlier that she’s from Asgard and anyway he sees a tattoo on her arm and is like “WOAHHHH YOU ARE A VALKYRIE I THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL DEAD/SWORE TO SPEND THEIR LIVES SERVING ASGARDIAN ROYALTY AKA ME” and Valkyrie is like “Listen bitch, you are a bitch and I want none of your nonsense.”
So anyway, it’s time for Thor to go battle the champion but first Stan Lee has to give him a haircut with a whirring knife machine and Thor is like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR” and Chris Hemsworth is like “YESSSSSSSSSSS NO MORE WIG” and then he heads out into the arena with his suave new do and as we all knew was going to happen, having watched the trailer, the champion ends up being the Hulk and Thor says the cute “He’s a friend from work line” but Hulk is currently Hulk and not Bruce Banner so he’s like “Shut up dude, imma smash you” and they fight for a while and then Thor tries to do the lullaby thing that Black Widow did in Avengers 2 to get Hulk to transform back into Mark Ruffalo which was a part of that terrible horrible “Black Widow and Hulk are randomly into each other for literally no reason” storyline which was one of the many reasons that was a shitty movie. And it seem like it’s going to work for a second but then when it gets to the handholding part Hulk just grabs Thor’s arm and smashes him into the ground repeatedly.
This whole time Loki has been up in the special viewing box with Jeff Golblum and he’s really enjoying watching Thor get beat up but also is nervous about Hulk being there because in Avengers 1 Hulk beat the everloving shit out of him. Also watching the fight is Valkyrie who has parked her spaceship above the arena and is drinking a space beer and raising her eyebrow a lot and I’m like “I would die for you Valkyrie.”
Anyway, the fight keeps going for a while and then Thor has a vision of his dad in Norway and suddenly lightning starts shooting out of his every orifice and then it’s a more even match and Jeff Goldblum tries to electrocute him through that tracker thing on his neck because he doesn’t want Hulk to lose but Thor is like “Whatever” and it cuts off before we can see how it ends and suddenly we’re in Hulk’s private quarters where they have also placed Thor and Thor is like “Hey we’re buddies, you need to help me because my crazy sister is going to destroy my planet” but Hulk is like “No thanks, I like being Hulk and everybody loves me here.”
So Valkyrie apparently has VIP access to this room and she strolls in and has some banter with Hulk and then Thor is like “Girl Odin is dead and Hela is going to destroy everything” but Valkyrie just drinks a shitload of space liquor and goes off to help Hulk train.
When Hulk comes back Thor keeps trying to bond with him and also figure out how he might be able to escape and eventually discovers that the fancy jetplane from Avengers 2 is parked literally right outside so when Valkyrie comes back in Thor uses some sleight of hand to steal the remote to his neck tracker and deactivate it and he jumps out the window and slides down the building and goes into the ship and Hulk is like “Fuck I was just playing it cool, don’t leave me here alone” so he follows and unfortunately due to being the Hulk rips the spaceship apart while trying to get Thor to never leave him. Somehow in the process an old video message of Black Widow pops up on a holoscreen or something and Hulk freaks the fuck out and eventually finally turns back into Mark Ruffalo and he’s like “Holy shit what’s going on did Ultron win where’s Tony?” and Thor is like “I have some news for you dude it’s been two years” and he makes Bruce put on some of Tony’s clothes that were stashed away in the jet and they go out into the streets to try to find another way to escape.
Meanwhile Jeff Goldblum has found out that Hulk and Thor are gone and he summons Loki and Valkyrie and is like “What the fuck” and they’re like “Chill out, we’ll find them” and then Loki does like a vulcan mind-meld with her to find out what her deal is and he sees this memory of when Odin thought Hela was too murdery and sent all the valkyries after her and Valkyrie is there riding a pegasus and then a fellow valkyrie who I assume is her girlfriend gets stabbed through the heart right in front of her and she screams. So somehow I guess this makes them on the same team now so they do find Bruce and Thor except now Valkyrie wants to help. Thor takes a quick break to have a psychic conversation with Idris Elba where he’s like “Hey girl long time no talk, do you know where the fuck I am/how I can get back to Asgard” and Idris Elba is like “There are a lot of portals in the sky of that trash planet, just go through the big one” and Thor tells his pals this and Valkyrie is like “THE DEVIL’S ANUS??” and Bruce comes out and is like “Anus? Whose anus?” and listen, I have my ships and Tony/Bruce has never really been one of them but between Bruce immediately being like “Where’s Tony?” his sudden interest in anii and my desire for the Natasha/Bruce thing to never have happened, I’m suddenly on board.
So they have this discussion about the space physics of going through a double wormhole or whatever the fuck that anus is and basically Valkyrie’s ship is not strong enough so they’re going to have to steal one of Jeff Goldblum’s. Thor and Loki go to the hangar to get it and they have a touching bro to bro conversation about something or other and then Loki replaces himself with a hologram so he can sneak off and betray Thor but Thor is like “I see you bro, you never change, you could be so much better but I guess you’ll always just be a dipshit” and he reveals that he’s put a tracker thingy on Loki’s back and then sets the remote to perma-tase and makes off with Jeff Goldblum’s ship alone.
He gets Bruce and Valkyrie on board and then a bunch of other ships start trying to attack them and Thor is like “Tell me about what kind of guns this thing has” but Valkyrie says this is the ship Jeff Goldblum uses for his orgies, not for fighting, so she and Thor jump out so they can leap from spaceship to spaceship punching things/people and Bruce is like “Uhhhh maybe this is a gun?” and he hits a button and fireworks start coming out of the ship while Jeff Goldblum’s voice says “It’s my birthday!” and I sincerely laughed for like five straight minutes after this happened so the next thing I knew they were flying through the anus and were suddenly rolling up on Asgard which is sort of on fire because Cate Blanchett is not a very good queen.
They use some kind of gadget on the ship to determine that Hela is about to bust into Idris Elba’s hostel so Thor decides to try to draw her back to the castle while Bruce and Valkyrie try to help the commonfolk escape or something.
Hela is literally about to start murdering everybody when she senses that Thor has sat down on the throne and she’s like “OHHH HELA NO” and goes back to fight him and there’s a lot of fighting and shit after this point that culminates in Loki making a heroic reappearance in a giant spaceship along with the Rock Guy and his gladiator friends and they start trying to evacuate the people but Hela’s zombie dog blocks them and Bruce turns back into the Hulk even though he’s worried he might never be able to turn back again and starts beating the shit out of the dog while Valkyrie and Loki fight the zombie army and Thor and Hela fight and then Thor has another vision of his dad pining for the fjords and he’s like “Listen chump, your power didn’t come from the hammer it came from the thunder inside you” and Thor starts shooting lightning out of his body again like he’s fucking Emperor Palpatine and I usually find fight/battle scenes very boring but this one was actually kind of awesome.
Ultimately Hela is too good at murdering though and Thor has a revelation that he doesn’t actually need to stop her but needs to make Ragnarok come true so he sends Loki into the palace basement to get Fire Guy’s crown and put it in the eternal flame so he becomes giant just like he said he would at the beginning of the movie and Thor is like “Hey sis you can totally have Asgard, it’s yours, have fun” and fire guy stabs his fire sword into the earth like right on top of Hela so RIP girl and everybody escapes on the giant spaceship and oh at some point the zombies were climbing on board but Not Idris Elba was hiding on there and shot them with his machine guns and sacrificed his life so good job I guess?
Anyway, Asgard is super destroyed now but all the Asgardians are alive because apparently it was not a very populous planet and they decide they’re going to land on earth and make a new Asgard on that fjord and won’t that be nice.
I feel like I didn’t talk about Valkyrie enough in this but let me just make it clear that I LOVE HER AND I WANT TO BE HER BEST FRIEND AND GET DRUNK WITH HER AND I WANT HER TO HAVE HER OWN MOVIE. Also this movie was very funny and I want to see it again. Did you guys like it?