Hello! My day has been fine so far. Tell me about how you spent the long weekend, too.
I had a five day weekend, and got so much done! I finally assembled my dresser from IKEA, shop vacuumed the garage, cleaned a bunch of stuff, and put a lot of stuff out on the curb for garbage pick up. I still have a number of home projects to finish, but I can finally see visible progress of things falling into place.
I have family in from out of town, so I got to hang with them and also went out to lunch on Sunday.
And I watched Sharp Objects. I really like Amy Adams, and overall, I thought the show was pretty good.
I still want to see Sharp Objects. I had mixed feeling about the book, but I love Amy and want to stare at her hair for five hours.
My day has been LONG! Ready for it to be over.
I have a question for you all – every year me and my two best girlfriends plan a weekend together and I basically do 100% of the planning – I research and book the lodging, research and book the activities, research and book dinner reservations, etc. I’m constantly asking for feedback (which of these places to stay do you like? what do you want to do? what kind of food should we try to find? etc) and get basically nothing (“I’m good with whatever” is the phrase I see 100% of the time I ask for feedback). I have complained to the friend who does it the most (whom I’m closer to) that it’s really not helpful and she needs to at least voice an opinion or at the VERY least acknowledge that she read the options and list potential plusses and minuses – she always says she doesn’t want to direct the convo because the third friend doesn’t have as much money so she doesn’t want to pick the option out of her price range.
It’s really frustrating because some stuff we can avoid planning and just play by ear but there are things we have to decide and I go to all the trouble to list out options and they either don’t look or look but say the same thing (I’m good with whatever). I dealt with this with the airbnb place to where I finally just picked the place I wanted to stay. I didn’t hear back from them about massages so when I finally got the answer, the place we wanted to go was all booked up and so I had to call a TON more places before I found a place that had an opening. THEN! the place that had openings was the most expensive, but I booked it anyway and then just this week decided I was going to skip the massage (and let the other two go together) because it was too expensive and I’d rather spend the money elsewhere. So I sent an email outlining the plan for the weekend, giving them the new prices for the massages, listing a couple of restaurant suggestions, asking a couple of questions about some options, and letting them know I’m skipping the massage this year. I sent them a text message telling them to check their email because sometimes they’re not good about it. So I got nothing back from one friend and just “Whoohoo!” from the other like she clearly hadn’t read the email!
Am I wrong to be upset? It’s a lot of work to do all the research and all I ask is that they read the email and give feedback so I’m not just talking to dead air.
I hear you. I’m a planner, so I’ve been in this kind of situation a number of times. Some thoughts, for what they’re worth.
1. You are not wrong to be upset. Being upset is an important sign that something is not working and needs to change.
2. Your current method of listing options and soliciting feedback isn’t working and frustrates you. Your friends are already doing as much as they’re going to do.
3. You get to choose what happens now. Given that your friends are not going to offer the kind of feedback you want, what would make you feel like you are respecting your own boundaries and not feeling used? A couple possible options:
“This year, I’m going to book the place. Gertrude, you choose the restaurants, Hilda, you pick the spa stuff,” That kind of thing. Everyone does something, and if they don’t, there’s no trip.
“This year, I don’t have the time/energy/stamina/motivation/health to plan the trip. Could one of you take the reigns?” If no one does, there’s no trip.
“This year, I’ll plan as usual, but you’ll have to trust me. If you’re on board, I’ll decide the budget, make all the arrangements, and you guys show up.” If they don’t like it, there’s no trip.
Because it sounds like you’re the one keeping this trip thing together, and that’s not fair. How much are they willing to do? Are you willing to forgo the trip to retain your sanity and goodwill toward your friends? You’re the only one here who can throw down the gauntlet. See if they rise to the occasion, then you can go from there.
You should write advice columns, seriously.
I’ve had a lot of therapy 🙂
This is great advice, thank you!
Based on my experience, the best option moving forward is “you guys just have to trust me to plan the trip”. There’s no risk for these friendships fizzling out as they’re my best friends, but any “you do this, I’ll do this” will result in no trip. In the past I’ve complained about the “I’m good with whatever” attitude and nothing has changed (which I get is my fault for expecting it to). This year I even said I was too busy to plan anything and the closer friend was like “I can help just let me know what you need” and I told her I needed her to offer real feedback and then the same thing… she’s even a vegetarian and I joked this year that if she has no input we’re eating at BBQ restaurants all weekend.
I think next year I will just plan the weekend I want and not expect anything more.
Thank you for the advice!!!
Great idea! If you are cool with the planning, then do what you want and I’m sure they’ll enjoy coming along for the ride.
I’m not a meticulous planner. Right now I’m in New York, which I did not know for sure would happen until I was driving to the aeroport, and today a friend at noon was asking me how I planned to get to dinner with her in Jersey City, and the question made me so anxious. Like, it’s seven hours away, who thinks that far ahead??
This friend and I take small vacations together once a year and she’ll send me nine Airbnb options to review and I’m like, FFS, “One with a hot tub that isn’t $$” is my entire opinion; if I have to think about it for more than 5 minutes, it feels chorey. Oh my god I’m rambling.
Here’s my point: I’m terrible, but not even the worst. I know people still more awful. So maybe your friends are like me and if they have too many choices they feel overwhelmed, but if they have two options (three max) you’ll get clear endorsements out of them. When I plan I do thumbnail summaries: “this place costs more but is walking distance to the activities; the farther cheaper place has a better pool. Send me your preference by 10 pm because that’s when I’m booking.” Also I’d just pick some stuff without asking. I’d totally trust them to pick for me, so I figure they’ll trust me, and if we end up at a place they might not have picked…. they’ll never know.
I hope this is helpful but maybe not. I’m in a bar called Lucy’s and it’s 1 am.
Yeah, I totally get that attitude and for one of them I understand that’s how it is and she often will give me some version of “the one with a hot tub that isn’t too much money” but like two weeks after I send the info.
I’ll take “one with a hot tub that isn’t too much money” and run with it! That’s at least helping!
Also, I always give a thumbnail summary (this one is closer but more expensive; this one is super cute but doesn’t have any restaurants walking distance away) and prices broken down to the per person amount. I feel like I make it super hand-holdingly easy for the non-planner people. One friend is like you and the other is a planner like me which is part of what makes it frustrating – the non-planner will offer minimal feedback after like two weeks unless I specifically ask for an answer sooner and the planner will say she’s good with whatever.
Oh boy, it sounds like you are the perfect presenter of options (by my lights) and they are just frustrating. Good luck, truck!
This type of behavior is a huuuuuge pet peeve of mine. I don’t have good advice, though, because my reaction would be (and has been) “ok then, you figure it out” and I have, in that way, let entire friendships fizzle out because I was the only one making an effort.
It is maddening to do all the work and present friends with two options and they say “Whichever, I don’t care.” That is not a response I was defending above, and my reply to such is a furious feeling along the lines of IF YOU DONT CARE THEN LET’S JUST GO HOME AND STARE AT THE WALL
I mean srsly, if none of my options makes you go “Ooooh! That one is better!” then F you, YOU research it and decide.
Oh boy. I would be frustrated, too. If money is an issue, I might start by approaching the third friend and asking what her budget is. Then I would give a deadline to both to weigh in on choices that meet the budget, and make decisions when they don’t answer. I’d probably pick my must-do stuff, then leave the rest of the time open for them to figure out. But also it would be reasonable for you to have a conversation with them about the process.
I’m having a similar annoyance at work because we have a tradition that we all have lunch together on someone’s birthday, it gets us to hang out about 5 times a year while otherwise we eat at our desks. For 10 years I have always planned everyone’s lunches, get a date set, ask what restaurant they want, send a menu around, place the order, pick it up, collect money, etc. But this year I mentioned my birthday lunch a few times and no one stepped up to do anything about it so I didn’t get one. I have kind of hard feelings about it now and I’m totally done planning anything going forward. But giving up a work tradition is a lot easier than giving up on friends, so I feel for you.
That would make me furious!!! No more birthday lunches for ANYBODY!
Thanks for the feedback…it helps just knowing I’m right to be annoyed!
You’re clearly right. I’m all Team Truckasauras over here.
Agreed. Team Truck. Feedback of some kind is not too
Much to ask. I worry I was not clear about that in my earlier comment.
Don’t worry drunkspur, you offered the other point of view but we know you are on truck’s side! Enjoy Lucy’s. Play some darts and eat peanuts or whatever they do in Jersey City.
That sucks that no one stepped up for you! I hate that feeling too. I think it’s smart to let the planning go.
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