You know I love Christmas movies – the crappier the better! Normally, though, I don’t get to see them on a big screen, because I am catching them on television, stuffing mince pies into my mouth and crying/laughing/bit of both.
So what a treat for me, that this year we have a genre-definer out IN THE CINEMA. And that it features my dearly departed George Michael, who I still miss. His songs are woven through the film. It has also garnered some of the worst reviews this side of Glitter. Of course I gathered up the Euro crew and went on opening night.
TO THE PICTURES!
Where are we? We’re in LONDON. You know this because it’s nothing like London, as should always be the case with big cities in films. People go into doors on one street, come out of doors in locations eight miles away. Perfect.
Is there snow? Yes there is sort of snow, a few wispy bits, which to be fair, is accurate.
And we’re with Kate and my goodness, she’s a hot mess. The very definition of it. She’s barely holding down her job! She’s sleeping with all the wrong folk! She doesn’t really have anywhere to live! Her family pretty much hate her too! WHADDAMESS.
She is, of course, a wannabe actress, but she doesn’t seem to be very good at being on time for auditions, so she’s working in a round-the-year Christmas shop. Her boss is Michelle Yeoh. Michelle Yeoh is very good at Christmas shop bossing, and for some reason, keeps Kate on despite the fact that Kate leaves the door unlocked, meaning her whole shop gets trashed. WHADDAMESS.
Into this (hot) mess, walks Cardboard Henry. No, that’s very mean. It’s TOM! As played by Henry Golding.
He keeps popping up outside the shop, or in the street, or just, y’know. Tom. He’s a cutie, and he wants to make Kate happier. He encourages her to totally best life it. By doing stuff like ice skating. Or just looking upwards.
I felt weirdly connected to Emilia Clarke, not an actress I knew a whole heap about before (not having really been into GoT) but the night before seeing this film, I went on a date (LONG FUCKING STORY) and I told the guy that we were seeing LC the next night, and he looked at me with vaguely misty eyes and told me that I looked like Emilia Clarke. So you can imagine that I spent a lot of this film with vaguely misty eyes myself, clearly planning an exciting future looking up with said date. You can guess how this one plays out, for me personally, if not in the film…
Anyway, back to it! So Kate has managed to get herself back into her family’s good books, sort of. Her fledgling relationship is clearly working a miracle on her. Even her boss likes her and has a date herself!
Here’s Emma Thompson playing Kate’s mum! Sorry Emma that I couldn’t find any better pictures of you in this film. Kate’s mum has a lot of issues because of having left the former Yugoslavia to move to a Britain that has now voted for Brexit. In fact, she says on more than one occasion that the country hates her and is now going to make her leave. This is sadly the experience of people I know who have moved to live here, and I was sad that it had to be a part of this film, but equally, I am glad that it is being raised as an issue.
I’ve just realised that this review is as hot a mess as Emilia Clarke’s character, so let’s attempt to return to any semblance of plot.
Kate and Tom are very cute together, but he keeps disappearing, and he doesn’t seem to really want to rush a relationship. He volunteers at the homeless shelter, though, so that’s one place Kate can keep going back to when he disappears. Bit weird he keeps disappearing though, innit?
And yet, slowly slowly, her life seems to be getting back together. She’s doing well at her job. She’s made up with her sister. She’s even raising money for the homeless shelter.
But then all the disappearing just gets a bit too much, so she pops round to his flat to give him an ultimatum… And that, dear readers, is where I am going to have to leave you. Because if I tell you any more, I will spoil the entire thing.
One thing I can tell you is, there’s a Christmas show:
Suffice to say, it’s one of those endings that will leave you laughing, crying and punching yourself in the face.
So let’s try to sum up Last Christmas. Is it as bad as the reviewers say? In a way, yes. It’s not really got a huge plot, and it’s contrived and the ending makes you want to punch yourself in the face.
BUT THAT’S TO ENTIRELY MISS THE POINT OF LAST CHRISTMAS.
It knows exactly what it is, and it does it with joy. Everyone in it is in on the joke, and they’re having a great time, and they realise that sometimes what you need at this time of year is cheese and love and a bit of Wham!
On which note:
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MONSTERS!