Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the US, so there won’t be any new posts until Monday, December 1st, because I’m going to be on vacation, woo! And then it will be the start of Month of Cheers! We’re not actually going to do much planning for Month of Cheers, except for the Scavenger Hunt (which will work the same way as the Month of Scares Hunt) and the Secret Santa, which I’ll post about on Monday. Otherwise, if you want to post about Christmas and other holiday stuff–just go for it! All kinds of cheery posts are welcome.
American Monsters, have a fun, safe, and fattening holiday, and non-American Monsters, have a fun, safe, and fattening regular weekend.
Homeless Monsters 
Pretty great, thanks for asking! Femu and I both get to work from home today and are off the rest of the week. For the last hour, working from home has actually been sit in bed and hope nobody bothers me while I watch Total Recall (1990 version).
I just rewatched that last week! It’s still fun!
I tried to watch Ghost Protocol last night but it is already gone from Netflix. Boo. So I watched half of The Apostle.
On the other hand, I should be on an aeroplane to New York in a few hours, and in flight I hope to watch 22 Jump Street. I watched 21 Jump Street on an aeroplane last week and it was excellent, so sequel, here I come!
It IS still fun! Arnold is a womanizing POS, but damn he was born to be an action star. I can’t believe my parents let me watch that movie when I was 11 or 12.
I loved both Jump Streets, but I’m not sure I would have recommended watching both so close together, but it probably doesn’t matter. It’s fun. Enjoy.
The way Channing Tatum says, “My name is Jeff” in the preview for 22 Jump Street pretty much sold me on watching the sequel. I did not expect to like the first one so much, so I look forward to the sequel, but am keeping my expectations low.
Arnold spoke at my college graduation! He was a shockingly (or not?) good speaker.
My day has been pretty great. The office is dead quiet and I am leaving at 2:30. I didn’t do barely any work at all, I mostly just spent the day Christmas shopping online and g-chatting with my friends. Have a fantastic weekend everyone. Eat lots of yummy homemade things and don’t have any guilt about it! 🙂
ps. CAN’T WAIT FOR MONTH OF CHEERS!
pps. Thanksgiving gif dance?
This year’s was pretty fabulous. This is the only gif I can find of it right now:
Ha ha that was not the GIF I intended to post but I’m standing by it.
Everyone’s home! And the boys are hosting a Magic the Gathering event here today, just like the good old days. I’ve made ahead everything that can be made ahead. So now it’s chill time.
Not too bad. My boss let me work from home today, so in between e-mails I’ve been packing for my flight this afternoon.
I did come across some marginally sad news: people aren’t buying pancakes like they used to. This Thanksgiving I plan to do the honorable thing and patronize every pancake restaurant in the tri-county area to make sure sales stabilize again.
My day has been great so far. I’m back home with all my sisters and cousins which makes for fun festivities. We all watched Dancing with the Stars together and then the freezer broke so I gallantly agreed to eat all the ice cream because I’m a team player. Now we’re pretending like we’re going to start cooking but instead we’re sitting around watching the Hunger Games. So far, good vacation, will vacation again.
One of my coworkers tried to throw me under the bus about stuff, but I have emails that prove she screwed up not me! So that worked itself out.
My team lead just bought us all hot cocos and we’re currently listening to Neil Diamond’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.” It’s ridiculous.
I’m just excited for friendsgiving tomorrow and a day of drinking all the drinks.
Leave a post-it on her desk that says SUCKS TO SUCK
Today I finally came back to work after my vacation. There is nothing to do because everybody has started their Thanksgiving break early, so I’ve mostly just been reading depressing articles about Ferguson. Also today the candy thief came back from her own vacation and brought back a very small amount of candy from Thailand which was nice of her in theory but adding to her legacy of failure to engage in the candy process in an acceptable manner, the candy is absolutely disgusting. But I guess it’s the thought that counts?
I will most likely get out of work early and then depending on my level of motivation I will either make cupcakes to contribute to Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle’s house or I will be lazy and purchase a bottle of wine instead.
I guess that’s a solution to the candy thievery, offering gross candy that no one wants.
YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 4 DAYS TO TELL YOU ABOUT LITERALLY THE WORST DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON, WHICH YOU KNOW IS GOING TO BE VERY VERY GOOD TO HEAR ABOUT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON SOME DOOZIES!!
So, first I should tell you that I had two dates already with this guy and they were fantastic. He was charming, funny, interesting, attentive… I normally don’t bring guys to my home so soon, because bitches be crazy, but he was so so great that I thought, what the heck! So on Saturday he came over for dinner and board games. He wanted to play chess because I had said that I like it but I’m terrible at it, so he was going to show me some tricks. I make smoked corn and tomato chowder with lobster, ghee-fried potatoes with paneer and garlic, and a pine nut custard tart on spiced shortbread crust. (You should all date me.)
He called to ask what kind of wine I wanted. I told him it wasn’t necessary because he had mentioned that he used to have a drinking problem, but he said he had it under control and can have a glass or two at dinner no problem. I told him, if he thought that was a good idea he could bring red, but it really really wasn’t necessary. He showed up with 2 bottles of wine and a 6-pack of strong craft beer. He didn’t say hello, just went right to the table and set up the chess board. He beat me in 4 moves and immediately set it up again. I kept trying to make conversation, but he just stared intently at the board. He beat me probably 15 times in the next 30 minutes, and drank both bottles of wine before dinner was over, then immediately cracked open the beers. He’s said maybe a dozen words to me at this point, and they were mostly insults. Not a word about dinner. I wanted to kick him out, but he kept insisting that he wasn’t drunk and I was worried he’d try to drive home. I haven’t even had a sip of booze at this point.
He wanted to watch a movie, so we pulled up his Netflix on my laptop. He made fun of everything I picked and then got mad at me for not picking a movie. He also kept yelling at my dog to shut up, because he thought it was HILARIOUS that she was so quiet and shy. He finally decided that he wanted to watch 50/50. About 5 mins in, he started sobbing because his dad died of cancer, and then asked if I was going to call the police on him (what?). Still sobbing, he took his penis out and put my hand on it, and before I could even snatch it back, he was asleep. It was about 8.30 at this point. He snored and released these intense, trumpeting farts all night long. I slept on the couch.
I got up and went about my day, walked the dog, did laundry, tidied up, etc. He finally got up around 2pm and wandered into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth after lunch AND TOOK A SHIT. My bathroom is TINY, you guys. We were literally touching while this happened, it is so small. He asked me what was for breakfast and I said “Whatever you buy on the way home, I guess.” And he threw an actual toddler-level tantrum. He said “I bought over 100$ of booze, and you aren’t even going to make me breakfast?” and literally stomped his foot.
After he left, I switched the laundry over and came into my bedroom to find he had pissed the bed. As I’m standing there in shock, he texts that he really had a good time and will be thinking about me all day, along with a photo of his penis. I told him to never contact me again.
OH MY GOD. If this was a movie and not your life I would laugh way more, but I also feel bad that you had to deal with that. I agree with Theresa that he was probably drunk the next morning. How could he be that terrible? How?
Seriously, you need to write a book that will then get turned into the best sitcom ever and you will make all the money and have sweet, sweet revenge.
Oh, for sure. Once I get a dick pic, it’s over. No bueno. They’re great in person, but what the hell do I want with a photo of one? It’s not like they’re visual turn-ons, they just feel great when they’re at work. I can forgive a dick pic from someone I’ve been intimate with, as a first time offense, as long as it stopped once I expressed my distaste for it. Otherwise, hit the road with that garbage.
I was thinking, ok I knew this guy had a former drinking problem. I should have insisted on no wine, and I was prepared to accept an apology the next day and have a discussion with him about it and maybe even consider another date if he was going to get back on the program or whatever… but he wasn’t even embarrassed!! And, ok, maybe he wasn’t embarrassed because he didn’t remember? But then he was sober when he shit in front of me! And he must have noticed the soaking wet mattress he woke up in! I’m at a loss.
I don’t know how you roll, but generally texting your penis is a dealbreaker for me.
Why isn’t there a film crew following you around?
“Still sobbing, he took his penis out and put my hand on it, and before I could even snatch it back, he was asleep.”
Not even among the 3 weirdest things that happened on your date.
My roommate told me I should invite him back over, have a film crew here, and tell him I need to recreate the night for an art project.
What! What? What. All the whats, all the punctuation, all the fucks??? I don’t even know what to think about this. What?!??!!
Also ps. How could you wait to share this? I would written a self-serving post just so I could cent this story. Lol.
It was really difficult to hold off! And I feel like I missed out a bit because I’ve already discussed it with my irl friends a billion times, so you’re a bit late to the party 😦
But how was the sex?
He actually had one of the nicest penises I have seen in person. It made me want to cry. Why would you waste a penis like that on such a man?? I wanted to scream at the heavens and put pictures of Jesus on my walls so I could tear them down. What is this cruel farce??
Oh you poor thing. Good thing I’m not your mother. I’d have clobbered him by now and told on him to his mother. This, however, is a great story.
I love everything about this story so much. It makes me want to dance.
Let me add that “Whatever you buy on the way home, I guess” is some real next-level kung fu. BOOM.
For real though what even is your life?!?! I just…you just… how?!?
Wow. I wouldn’t even know that people like this exist if it weren’t for you. So I guess it’s all worth it because at least you’re expanding my horizons? And whole new garbage vistas are opening up to me?
I feel like, as the representative recovering alcoholic, I should offer my apologies. He let the side down. We’re kicking him off the team. But there’s nothing you could have done to pre-salvage the situation. If he wanted to drink he was going to drink, and if you’d put your foot down at the outset of the evening he just would have done it secretly. That’s how it works. It’s not the sort of problem that anyone else can fix. If you try, you only force it into hiding. Better it’s all out in the open now and he’s out of your life.
On a side note, I once pulled the four-move-checkmate twice in a row on a former Navy SEAL. A guy who’d been trained to kill. I never asked him if he’d ever killed anyone but from the look he gave me after my second cheap win, I decided it might be wise not to do it a third time.
But seriously… WOW. Be careful out there. There be Monsters, apparently (not the good kind).
Aw, thanks! This does actually make me feel better because I was feeling super guilty about the drinking under my roof. And now that I think about it, pretty sure he was still drunk the next morning. I kind of feel like maybe I should let him know what happened? Give him a little play by play? Would that shame him enough to get him back on the wagon, or shame him so much that he’ll turn fully back to booze? Also, this is twice in a row now that my date has gotten irresponsibly drunk while I stay sober. What is wrong with me?
I’d say just leave it alone. If he has a drinking problem, then he has to know what kind of shenanigans he gets up to by now. Even if that particular evening is totally blacked out, he must know from past mornings-after what likely occurred. Unless he’s some kind of holy fool who just floats through life completely oblivious to all the social cues people drop around him. If you try to correct him, he’ll probably see that as a way back in and try to exploit it, promise to change if you give him another chance and all that shit, and by the sounds of it you’re much, much better off without him. Although I didn’t see his wonderful penis. Maybe it’s worth all that aggravation. (Admittedly, I’m not a fan of the penis, but I really don’t think it is.)
I hear my old self in you, OMF, and say this with much love: Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting.
Marla, I very very rarely drink. I bought a 6-pack of beer to watch the World Cup with this summer and it lasted me a week and a half. And I watched all of the games. Just the last two fellows I’ve had dates with have been outrageous booze hounds. One drank two pitchers of beer while I had a half-pint, the other drank 2 bottles of wine and a 6-pack of beer while I had nothing. Unless you mean get me to an AA meeting to find men who don’t drink? I feel like after these last two guys I must be some sort of universal trigger. That would be a terrible idea.
I Don’t Know How Old Man Fatima Does It
It’s a talent, for sure.
Lobster and paneer? Marry me.
The combination of shitting in front of you and sending you a dick pic is so amazing. I think I would wind up with a very traumatic intrinsic association for the end of my days.
Just one more grueling work day left before I’m on a plane to New Mexico for the first time ever! I should probably pack for that…
NM rocks! I have been writing a Tourism for Weirdos about it! Oops, for six months, I should have posted that in April. You will like NM?
What should I do/eat there??
I GET TO TRAVEL FOR WORK!!! FINALLY! It’s only to Springfield Illinois, but I’m a big ole’ travel nerd, so I am TOTES excited!
I just got home and to greet me my mom hid behind the front door and popped out and scared me. Neat. And now I’m in my haunted basement doing 800 loads of laundry and using that as a reason why i can’t go to church with her tonight. Happy Tgives, monsters!!!
I’m having a frustrating day at work. Plus I’m not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner because although I’m happy my parents are in town, my aunt serves total garbage food (read: healthy). All we got last year was a little bit of turkey breast, steamed veggies and a dinner roll. And no one took seconds so I couldn’t have more, then I went home starving. On Thanksgiving! Plus they all made a big deal about how much they ate so we had to go on a two-hour walk. In my head I was screaming, “WE DIDN’T EVEN EAT ANYTHING! THERE’S NOTHING TO WORK OFF!”
I know, it’s the worst. At least I knew to eat before showing up for their July 4th BBQ, at which I was served three bites of steak and half a sausage.
That’s as least as bad as no alcohol over the holidays (assuming no one’s an alcoholic).
Today the kid and I just hung around the house in not quite matching but definitely coordinating Christmas jumpers and it was awesome. Tomorrow we get to go celebrate at a potluck with a bunch of expats, mostly southern housewives, so the food is going to be awesome. I’m making poblano Mac and cheese and some pumpkin squares, which is exactly what I brought last year. I have zero creativity this year.
your potluck choices sound delicious — I am a #1 fan of both mac & cheese and pumpkin baked goods! why be creative when you’ve hit on something good?
Happy Thanksgiving, Monsters! I’ve been crazy busy at some stupid conference/traveling, etc., but I’ve missed you and can’t wait to catch up, and I hope you all have wonderful, delicious holidays and/or weekends!