The OC S01E09: If The Bucket’s a-Rockin’, Don’t Come a-Knockin’

I know that IRL it’s July and school’s out for summer, but on The OC this week, school’s in for Summer (and the rest of the gang) (see what I did there?) (so clever) (nailed it). These teens have had a pretty intense summer so it’s probably going to be nice for them to settle into the structured and serious environment of high school where they can focus on their studies instead of fucking grandmas and punching each other in the face.

So the morning of the first day of school, Kirsten pours Seth some orange juice and tells him he looks cute. This makes Seth want to vom, so she tries a variety of increasingly bad adjectives ending with “dope” and “rad” before Sandy mercifully enters .

Sadly Sandy doesn’t want to be left out of the fun so he says “You do look rad! Mad props, son!”

Ryan joins the party and Kirsten asks if he’s nervous about his first day. He’s like “Uh, no, why?” and Seth is like “Because school is like Bro-ville, filled with a thousand Lukes” and Ryan is like “Oh. Well then, yes.”

Also drinking orange juice and talking about school are Marissa and Summer. Marissa insists that she’s not going to go because everybody is going to be gossiping about the whole OD’ing in TJ thing. Summer is like “BUT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PLAN THE BACK-TO-SCHOOL CARNIVAL AND IF THERE’S NO CARNIVAL WHERE WILL ALL THE CHARACTERS GATHER TOGETHER TO GET UP TO HIJINKS THIS WEEK?” See, Marissa is the school’s “Social Chair” which I guess mean she’s in charge of all the parties? Or something? Whatever. She doesn’t want to do it and I can’t blame her. It sounds like a drag.

Jimmy comes in with a plateful of burnt French toast and is like “Happy first day, girls!”

So both pairs of teens head into the new school year not very optimistic about their prospects. Seth tries to say hi to a jock and gets shoved which is SO eight weeks ago. Didn’t you guys get the memo that Luke kind of almost likes him now? Geez.

Some 30-year-olds posing as high school students have this amazing conversation:

Old lady #1: I heard she died down there!
Old lady #2: (after Marissa and Summer walk by) She looks pretty good for a dead girl!

Man, they should probably transfer to Burn School because they could use some better material. Summer calls them whores and they make these faces:

The boys and girls meet in the courtyard and Seth and Summer break off for some flirt-fighting. Ryan and Marissa bond over not wanting to be at school, and Ryan suggests ditching. Dude seemed pretty anxious to get into this school last week and knows that the principal is keeping a close eye on him so that doesn’t really seem in character, but whatever. Marissa says no, but agrees to skip her Social Chair Carnival Planning thing to meet up with him after school.

Her temporary buzz is killed when Luke comes up and asks if they can talk. Summer chases him away and calls him an ass because she is on Defend Marissa From the Other Children duty today.

Back at the house, Sandy is getting suited up for work and Kirsten is like “Wow, you look nice and you have a new cologne. I HOPE YOUR NEW WHORE GIRLFRIEND RACHEL LIKES THEM!” Well except she does it in a gentle teasing way. Sandy is like “Ugh not this again!” and then Kirsten jumps on him and mashes her face against his face and they move the making out to the bed and then Sandy ruins it by saying “I should have gotten an attractive coworker years ago!”

But Sandy is a smooth operator and manages to get the morning makeout back on track by being like “But you’re wayyyyy hotter than Rayann, I mean Roxy, I mean what’s her name? I love you and you’re super fine!” But alas, their love-making is not to be. Kirsten gets a call from Caleb (ha ha remember Caleb? I wonder what he’s up to) and Sandy gets a call from Rachel.

At school, Seth is trying to convince Summer to sit with him at lunch and she’s mocking him and then who should appear before them but Anna! You remember Anna. She moved to the OC from Pittsburgh and Cotillioned with Seth and likes comic books and sailing. Anyway, she and Seth hug and Summer is like

Anna gives her crap for saying mean things to Seth and then after Summer leaves she gives Seth crap for still being into her. Seth’s like “I knowwwwww but she’s so hottttttt” and Anna decides to become his love coach. She suggests that he is too available and he should try to make Summer jealous by hanging out with her instead. Oh honey, this isn’t going to go well for you.

At the law firm of Boring, Snooze & Yawnson, Rachel strolls into Sandy’s office and is like

Sandy is like “Well I was about to” and she’s like “Sorry not sorry, btw you probably won’t get to see her V for a while because guess what! You’re officially lawyering in this lawsuit against Caleb because he wants to build condos on the wetlands!” Sandy is like “Um hello lawyering 101 that is a huge conflict of interest” and Rachel says that the client doesn’t care about that because they know Sandy is a tree-hugging hippie and they want him and only him. Sandy is very suspicious about this whole thing.

Back at school Marissa is so sad because bitches be gossipin’ about her nonstop. She goes to Dr. Kim’s office and tries to resign as Social Chair and Dr. Kim is like “Nope. Not only will colleges be suspicious if you suddenly quit all your extracurriculars but also as long as those GDBs are gossiping about you, may as well give them something fun to talk about… like say a carnival?” Marissa is willing to go along with whatever anybody tells her as long as they are not named Julie so she’s like “Good idea! I’m in!”

So unfortunately this means that she has to skip out on her hangout date with Ryan. Ryan is sweetly sitting on the curb doing his homework while he waits for her. Seth and Anna drop by for a second to talk about how they joined the lit mag, and then Marissa comes to break the bad news. He’s like “Ok 😦 I guess it’s ok for you to do your own thing 😦 I’ll just be over here frowning 😦 ” and Marissa invites him to be her date to the carnival. He says ok, as long as she doesn’t make him go on the ferris wheel because he’s afraid of heights. Wimp.

The next morning Kirsten tells Sandy she has to go into work early because there’s some kind of crisis and Sandy is like “Crisis? What crisis? I have no insight into this!” She tries to make a lunch date with him but he’s like “Eh, maybe another day” and she heads out the door.

Sandy heads into the kitchen and finds Ryan studying. He asks how school is going so far and Ryan is like “Very bad 😦 All the other kids have lives and activities 😦 I am so lonely 😦 Especially now that Seth has two girlfriends 😦 ” and Sandy is like

After recovering from shock, he suggests that Ryan join a club or a sporting squad. Seth comes in and he’s like “Great idea, pops! Ryan is our family’s only hope of achieving sporting glory!” So they convince Ryan to try out for the soccer team.

At Jimmy’s, Marissa is getting ready for school. It is revealed that she is sleeping on the couch while staying here, because I guess it’s a one-bedroom, in case you were wondering just how much she hates her mom. Luckily Jimmy at least has the space to display his karate trophies or whatever the fuck these are for

I also appreciate the guitar that is ever-so-slightly coming out of its case, giving the illusion that it has been recently played/is owned by somebody who knows how to play it.

The doorbell rings and Jimmy is like “Sweet booyah! The phone company is here to bring this place into the 21^st century!” but it is NOT the phone company. It’s Luke, once again trying to talk to Marissa! It was actually a pretty smart plan as Luke plans go, trying to get at her through Jimmy since Jimmy can nearly always be counted on to behave in the opposite of his family’s best interest, but Jimmy is like “Nope, get out.”

I think the reason I hated the last episode so much is because there was almost no Luke, and no episode is complete without brilliant idiotic lines like this:

He finally gives up and slinks out. Marissa is like “OMG dad thank you soooooooo much u r Father Of The Year!!!!”

So Marissa finds Ryan at school and is like “Ugh carnival planning is soooo boring, if we finish early tonight maybe we can hang!” Ryan is like “No can do, I’ve got soccer tryouts.” This display of manly school spirit gives Marissa the pant-tingles, and she says they should meet after their cool activities are over.

Meanwhile Anna is helping Seth with his Summer problem. They sit next to each other in class and when Summer comes in and can’t find a seat, Seth is like “OMG Summer hi how are you oh no you can’t find a seat that’s terrible you can have mine please love me!” Anna is like

But she saves the situation by having Seth share her chair instead and it’s sooooo sexy that Summer gets the jelly-eye. Seth asks Anna how her summer sailing trip to Tahiti went and she’s like “OMG so good” and Seth is like “Did you hear that Summer? Anna sailed all the way to Tahiti!” and Summer gets the best line of the episode so far:

Anna mockingly tells her that she should join the debate team. You guys I was so Team Anna when this show aired because I fancied that I was a cool rebellious outsider chick like her but GOOD LORD she is an asshole to Summer constantly for absolutely no reason. Not cool.

At the Law Offices of Ugh, Whocares & Givemeabreakson, Sandy strolls into his office and finds Kirsten sitting there looking very disgusted. She’s like “Oh hi Sandy! I had to sign a deposition this morning! Thanks for the heads up!” and then throws the lunch she brought him at his face. He’s like “I’m not sure I’m going to take the case” and she’s like “Case? YOU HAVE NO CASE! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE WETLANDS!” (Note: I tried to find a relevant Lindsay Bluth GIF here but the internet did not oblige me, which, WTF is the internet for if not providing me with a GIF of the exact Arrested Development scene I’m thinking of at any given moment???????)

They argue about the environment for a while and finally Kirsten is like “Wow you’re actually going to take it, aren’t you? Nice husbanding!” Sandy gets a crack in at Caleb and then Kirsten storms out.

At soccer tryouts, the coach asks Ryan what position he wants to play. And of course Luke is the team captain and currently plays the position Ryan says! Small world.

After practice, Luke tracks down Marissa at her carnival meeting. He’s like “We need to talk” and she’s like “No means no, fuckwad” and then yells a list of all of the horrible things he did to her at his face. He is very sad and goes to sit next to her and is like “I’m super sorry, I miss you, I know I was an asshole but I did love you and I still do, please can we start over?” and he cries and grabs her hand and she cries and of course Ryan is creepin’ outside the room this whole time like

Unfortunately he is too far way to hear Marissa shut him down, so he is very suspicious. After Luke leaves to cry in peace, Marissa goes to meet Ryan but OH NO! He’s already gone. WILL THESE TWO STAR-CROSSED TEENS EVER MAKE IT WORK?

The next morning Sandy is coming home after surfing some gnarly waves and Kirsten comes storming out the front door like “I WAS TRYING TO KEEP YOUR DUMB LAWSUIT OFF MY DAD’S RADAR BUT NOW IT’S IN THE NEWSPAPER WTF!”

One thing I will never not love is reading the fake newspaper articles from TV shows. This one is perfect:

Here are my three favorite parts:

1) The article repeatedly refers to The Newport Group as The Nichols Corporation

2) Sandy’s real motives for taking this case are revealed: “…negative ecological effects development of the wetlands would cause, ranging from the extinction of indigenous species such as the Swamp Rose to the extinction of favorite surf spots”

3) They did not even bother to write a full thing, but just copied and pasted the beginning of the article again in the third column

Anyway, Sandy is like “This was not my doing 😦 ” but Kirsten is like “I DON’T CARE! NOW EVERYBODY WHO READS THE PAPER KNOWS WE’RE FIGHTING!”

Meanwhile in the poolhouse, Ryan tells Seth all about how he spied on Marissa and Luke having a heart to heart but the only detail of the story Seth cares about is the fact that Luke was crying. Ryan thinks Luke and Marissa are getting back together and Seth for once gives him good advice: to just fucking ask Marissa what’s up instead of pouting like a big jealous baby.

But unfortunately for him, Summer is currently giving Marissa the terrible advice to keep everything a secret from Ryan. I’d like to take a moment here to point out that Marissa and Ryan aren’t even dating so why should Marissa be ashamed to have a fucking conversation with her ex-boyfriend?? She didn’t do anything wrong, for fuck’s sake! Teenagers! Ugh!

So the misunderstandings continue as Marissa asks Ryan why he completely blew her off yesterday and he gives a lame excuse about studying. He asks what she did and she says nothing, so now Ryan is convinced that Luke is hitting it once more.

She does not pick up on the fact that he’s now super pissed, so she says she might stop by soccer practice to see him.

So in science class, Summer asks Seth to be her lab partner, probably assuming that since he is a nerd and also in love with her he will do all the work. Seth is about to be like “YES PLEASE” but then Anna swoops in and is like “Actually, Seth and I are already lab partners!” Seth still apparently does not get the concept of making Summer jealous and is like

Summer goes and finds an actual nerd to be her lab partner and everybody starts dissecting their frogs. Seth asks where they should start and of course Anna very dramatically says “THE HEART” and Summer rolls her eyes harder than they’ve ever been rolled before.

Meanwhile at the Law Offices of Ohmygod, Seriously & Thisisstillgoingon, Sandy confronts Rachel about the newspaper article. He accuses her of only hiring him because of this case and she’s like “Nah, we didn’t have it yet. I’m just trying to steal you from your wife.” Well that was the subtext at least. He expresses his concern that even though this is a super awesome high profile case that he could totally win if he tried, he might lose Kirsten. Rachel says that if his marriage can’t survive one little high profile lawsuit it must not be very strong in the first place.

After school Marissa comes to watch soccer practice, as promised, but while Ryan is out there soccering Luke just happens to be taking a break to tie his shoes on the sidelines. They have a friendly conversation and of course Ryan spots them from across the field and basically turns into the Hulk.

He and Luke are supposed to do some soccer drill together but instead of soccering like a proper soccerman, Ryan very dramatically trips Luke and sends him flying through the air. The coach is like “THAT WAS NOT VERY GOOD SOCCERMANSHIP!” and throws Ryan off the field.

Later that night Ryan is studying in the poolhouse and Marissa comes by to see him. She’s like “Hey, why the fuck did you assault Luke at practice?” and Ryan is like “Why the fuck are you and Luke back together?” and Marissa is like “What are you even talking about you moron?” He yells at her about being a liar and then says “This just isn’t going to happen.” Marissa flounces out in righteous indignation.

The next morning Sandy drops by the poolhouse for an early morning chat. Apparently the soccer coach called to tattle on Ryan about what happened at practice. He lectures Ryan about how if he gives in to his violent impulses then he could get kicked out of school. Ryan doesn’t really give a shit about that, but when Sandy mentions that if he doesn’t behave himself, the Powers That Be may decide the Cohens aren’t fit parents and take him away. Also I’m pretty sure Ryan is still on probation from the whole car stealing thing, so there’s that. Anyway, Ryan is now properly ashamed of himself.

On their way into school, Seth advises Ryan to apologize to Marissa which makes him two for two on good advice. I feel as though everything in the universe has gone topsy turvy! Meanwhile Summer is telling Marissa that she’s sorry her blossoming love has withered and died, and then everybody runs into each other in the courtyard. Ryan tries to talk to Marissa but Summer is like “NOPE!” and drags her away.

That night Kirsten is soaking in the hot tub with a glass of red wine.

Sandy comes out with a big bouquet of flowers to break the news that he’s taking the case. They have this boring grownup conversation about how the case could go on for years but that their marriage can survive because they love each other and Kirsten admires Sandy for sticking to his principles and blah blah blah, whatever, the point is they’re good for the time being. And they start making out and Kirsten is like “The kids are at the dumb carnival, let’s get naked!” but then their phones start ringing again. Are Caleb and Rachel spying on them or do they just have a really creepy spidey sense for when people are about to fuck? Anyway, it’s not happening for them tonight.

Meanwhile the kids are at the carnival, just carnivaling it up with the carnies. Anna is wearing possibly the worst outfit I have ever seen.

She beats Seth’s skeeball score and Seth says “Clearly you’re a lesbian” because he is the absolute worst. He goes to redeem his tickets and asks if he should buy something for Summer. Anna is like “Really??” and Seth slinks away.

Ryan is like “So why are you helping Seth get Summer when you clearly want him for yourself?” Anna is like “Seth looks at Summer and sees lips and hair and boobs. He looks at me and sees a lab partner who wears terrible outfits.” Ryan is Team Anna and starts to give her a pep talk, but then he spots Marissa and runs off to talk to her.

Before he reaches his lady love, he runs into Luke and very earnestly apologizes for attacking him. They share a long and meaningful glance before Ryan continues on his way. Ryan and Luke are my OTP, TBH. Luke watches him run toward Marissa and feels sadness seep all the way to his bones.

Ryan catches Marissa just before she’s about to get on the ferris wheel with Summer. Summer is like “Ugh, fine, I’m leaving” and Ryan takes her spot. But Ryan hates ferris wheels! He’s scared of heights! He must love Marissa sooooooo much. He starts trying to apologize to her but is distracted by his terror when the ferris wheel stops when they’re right at the top.

Turns out that Anna gave a carnie ten dollars to keep the wheel stopped for however long it takes to heal Ryan and Marissa’s fragile relationship. Seth is like “WOAH, ANNA, U SO SMART.” She’s like “Yeah, I am! By the way…” and then kisses his face, hard. Summer of course happens to be watching from across the carnival, so Seth assumes that this was another one of Anna’s sneaky schemes. He’s like “Nice one, Anna, she’s so jelly! I’m gonna go get her! But first, have this consolation sock monkey I got with my tickets!” And Anna’s frowny face is one for the history books. Looks like Jimmy Cooper is no longer running unopposed for Mayor of Sadsackville!

So Seth goes over to Summer and she invites him to ride the tilt-a-whirl with her. Woah, lady, slow down! That’s third date stuff!

Back on the ferris wheel of unresolved sexual tension, Ryan is still shitting himself and is like “WHAT KIND OF A FLIM FLAM OPERATION ARE YOU RUNNING HERE, COOPER?” She’s like

Ryan finally sacks up and, grimacing in fear all the while, is like “I’m bad at talking about things and I have trust issues but I trust you and we should have a real conversation about ‘us’ when we get down from here!” Marissa is “I will distract you from your fear” and kisses him. The heat of their passion causes the wheel to start turning again, and Marissa’s kiss emboldens Ryan so much that when they get to the bottom he asks the carnie for another go-round so they can keep making out.